- Art and Contemplative Spirituality

Writing to God – Part 2

I held no expectation when I thought of writing to God each day during Lent. And to be honest, I had doubts I would follow through knowing reality has its way of negating my romantic ideas.

As it played out, I did not miss a day. Perhaps it had something to do with the isolation and slowing down of life brought on by the coronavirus shutdown.

When sitting for morning prayer, I would pick up my artist sketchbook and jot down whatever thoughts and feelings of the moment. Sometimes I would add a sketch for practice. It became a segue into my practice of Centering Prayer.

This blog picks up from an earlier blog titled “Writing to God – Part 1.” It continues on day 21 of this Lenten season through Easter Sunday.

“Did God really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden’?”

Day 21 – Quiet Tuesday, my day to fast from the distractions of TV and music. May I fully appreciate the quiet. Help me Lord, to better recognize the madness of my inner noise and that of other men.

Day 22 – This sense of alone-ness and limiting interactions with the outside world and its activities is a timely imposition. I ask that it not be wasted. Allow it to form me in a new manner of living and seeing things.

Day 23 – Listening to the beautiful birdsongs this morning: Saw more neighbors out this morning. Wonderful to see. May this slowdown and less outside distraction afford me the peace to become more aware of your presence and love for me, and others.

Day 24 – Yesterday was a hilarious day watching and playing with the band of squirrel marauders finding ways to feed at the bird feeders. Today was a sleepy day. Beyond cooking, taking my walk, I couldn’t get going. I do like these simple days. Thank you.

Day 25 – Had a good long talk with my brother. It was due, and I am grateful. These past few nights have been restless for some reason. I don’t know why my body does not comfortably relax. Thank you for the silence, my Beloved. Help me to adjust and fall in love with it, especially at night.

Day 26 – I wake this day with a dose of eagerness to what fun and enjoyment lie ahead. Not sure what I would like to do first, after my coffee, of course. Now I sit quietly in your Presence that my soul may fly to you.

Day 27 – My thought stream is not Absolute or Reality. My experience with Centering Prayer has shown my stream of thoughts never stop flowing, and that I can at least be aware and break it, if for just a moment. It is where I sense your Presence most deeply.

Day 28 – I woke from a dream where I was homeless and lost in an unfamiliar area of town. I meandered through my days and nights with a shopping cart of belongings. To survive, I had to give my stuff away to ward off predators. I suppose the dream was because of tv movie I had watched two nights ago.

Day 29 – A beautiful morning: My mind is so full of ideas for my day. I get to play with creativity and spirit. I am at a new place in life that I am only beginning to experience new freedom – keep me in your Presence.

Day 30 – Woke from another dream: I was brought to a trailer house that was in the middle of a barnyard full of cows and pigs. And there were two dogs inside. It just did not make sense. King of my heart, may I remain fully awake to your holy Presence in both the silence and the noise of this day.

Day 31 – Yesterday was a blur: It seems I had more I wanted to do than time. I stayed home all day. Being bored or being too busy is not my favorite – Help me Lord to find the middle space today – and to find you there.

Day 32 – I am struggling with the hypocrisy of this world. Help me to see my hypocrisy. Help my will to move into your image.

Day 33 – I am grateful for the creative spirit within me. I believe it is your divine reflection in me and gift. Help me channel it so that it does not distract from your presence and care for my soul.

Day 34 – I woke from a dream where I accepted a job from the city mayor. Glad I woke. There seems to someone’s rooster on the loose in the subdivision – crowing big time. It brings me back to a not too happy moment from my past – my inner spirit is tense and not at peace. Help me in this moment of (dis) ease.

Day 35 – The thought of my prayer life has been on my mind since yesterday. I cannot imagine my life with speaking, thinking, and quieting my mind in the hopes of listening to You. Yet, I am still unsure of what prayer is. I desire you as my Beloved.

Day 36 – I am grateful for the early morning visit by the two cardinals outside my window. And on my morning walk, the woodpecker and the red-wing blackbirds. Although, someone dumping their crawfish shells, beer bottles, and trash along my walking route upset me. I pray for your Spirit, enkindle in them the fire of your Love for themselves, and others. And Lord, help me too.

Day 37 – Thank you for the inspiration of moving my bird feeders closer to my house. It has been a gift of your natural world, and I believe a fruit from having seen this done by some friends when I had made an impromptu visit some months back.

Day 38 – My waking thought this morning was the thought and decision to distance myself from hurtful relationships. I no longer need the reminders that their emails, nor do I want its emotional consequence. Today was a good day since I was able to resolve this issue in my life.

Day 39 – I surely miss my kids and grandkids during this virus shutdown. This morning was a struggle to silence my thoughts in prayer.

Beginning Holy Week

Saturday, Day 40 – Lord, my meditation will be your time spent with Mary, Martha, Lazarus, and disciples in upon your arrival in Bethany.

Evening celebration, Mary anoints Jesus (John 12:28; Matt 26:6:13)

Palm Sunday, Day 41 – I can be so mentally engaged when I am problem-solving and creative arts. It can often drown out the outside world. On this day, help me Lord to do something good for others. Hossana!

Jesus enters Jerusalem (Matt 21:1-11; Mark 11:1-10; John 12:12-28)

Holy Monday, Day 44 – Lord, let the passing of each day allow for, at least, one moment of grace and gratitude. May today and each day be fruitful.

Holy Tuesday, Day 45 – Today, a day of household quiet, no TV, no music, no unnecessary noise. Simple home-grown solitude. Keep my yearning so that I may always return to you. I need silence and solitude today.

Cursing fig tree (Matt 21:18-22; Mark 11:12-14)

Holy Wednesday, Day 46 – Not much to write this morning. Lord, help me remain faithful to you and myself.

Judas arranges betrayal (Matt 26:14-16; Mark 14:10-11)

Holy Thursday, Day 47 – Why is it that my first thoughts from waking this morning are about those who have harmed me. Help me Lord, to forgive and heal.

Passover meal (Matt 26:20-35; Mark 14:17-26)

Good Friday, Day 48 – Just an angry dream last night, and I do not know why??? I am just not so sure of the meaning of things anymore, and I am not so sure that is such a bad thing??? Help me Lord, to know and accept my frailties.

Betrayal, trial, cruxification (Matt, Mark, Luke, and John)

Holy Saturday, Day 49 – Waking up extra early this morning is lovely. The silence at 3 am is cherished time: a unique sense of stillness. It is a gift.

Easter Sunday, Day 50 – As I walked out the house this morning, hearing all the songbirds in their usual symphony: they have not thought of it being Sunday, or Easter Sunday, or any other day on the calendar. Why is it important to humans??? These are just human-made concepts. Consider what makes today any different than yesterday to the birds???

Or how bout those tree frogs who began their croaking only when it started to drizzle. I wondered whether I was going to get soaked. To the tree frogs, it was “Alleluia!”

Ps. Since the coronavirus lockdown, my drawing class has moved from the university studio to our homes. We were learning how to draw the human figure from live models. I live alone, so the approach has been to sketch myself by staring at a reflection in the mirror. I have produced several hilarious caricatures of myself, which evokes a bit of whimsical humility.

I hope to never take myself too seriously, especially regarding things that matter little in life. So, I end this very personal diary of my lenten season with one of my self “poor-traits.”

When I showed this image to my mom, she said it looks like her dad. Since my physical looks favor her dad, hairstyle and all, I guess those drawing classes are doing some good after all.

Peace be with you, Alleluia!

(Dis)ease & (Dis)regard

Each morning walk is a unique experience of creation’s grandeur and man’s place in it. Offering a Mary and Martha moment of both action and contemplation.

My walks have evolved from physical exercise to a sacred ritual. As I put on my walking shoes, I feel the anticipation of what I will hear and see. Every walk seems different. The route has barking dogs, billy goats, bullfrogs, horses, donkeys, majestic oaks, pecan trees, open pasture, and many many birds.

Soon after beginning this morning’s walk, I hear the tap-tap-tap of a woodpecker and it automatically pulls my head out of deep and distracted thought and unawares.

I stop for a moment to gaze at this beautiful bird tapping atop a power pole and think. Yes! I am now awake, thank you. I begin to listen and appreciate the natural symphony all around me. I continue walking.

50 steps further, someone has dumped what remained of their 10 lb. “to-go” order of boiled crawfish, along with their empty beer bottles and Coca Cola. With resentment, I think, “I can’t believe this!” I am once again emotionally and spiritually distracted by man’s social (dis)ease and (dis)regard. I continue walking.

As I turn the corner there is a single red-wing blackbird perched atop the power line chirping away. Seemingly unafraid to my walking underneath. I soon hear and see more.

These red wing blackbirds bring me back to a distant memory of being with my Dad as a 10 year old when he took me with him to visit some rice farmers. It was a cold winter morning and the flocks of blackbirds in the fields were magical.

It’s been two years since daily walks have become a part of my morning ritual. I learn much from these walks. Sometimes I even sing. Thinking of St Francis and his preaching to the animals. But mostly, I am listening. The symphony of blackbirds, cardinals, blue jays, crows, robins, sparrows, egrets, purple martins, and the doves seem to change throughout each seasons of the year.

Even the hawks and buzzards majestically circulating high above in the air currents cause me to gaze upward. I do believe there is somethings to learned by watching them. And it is hard not to believe there is a language being communicated and understood by the birds themselves.

I often wonder about the many birds of my youth that were plentiful but no longer: the meadowlarks, cedar-wax wings, quail, and kildee’s. Some say the absence of these birds are due to herbicides, pesticides and fire ants which is highly probable. Although, I can take blame knowing I have killed many birds as an eager young boy with a pellet gun: my part in man’s (dis)ease.

Yet, even in this sacred exercise of daily walks, there is a uncomfortable reality: man’s production, consumption, and then willfully discarding of garbage roadside. This roadside garbage is simply visual evidence of man’s (dis)ease and (dis)regard in the world: beer, soda pop, energy drink cans, liquor bottles, fast food garbage, dirty diapers, plastics, and crawfish heads. It is everywhere and we hardly seem to care much.

I decided a couple of months ago that I would bring a trash bag, on occasion, and pick up the litter. No big deal, I was already walking the route. On my first attempt I filled my household dumpster. I have since walked with trash bag in hand about a half dozen times. I think (jokingly) that all I need to do now is wear a prison jumpsuit and wait for the community gossip to come back around. This simple act is good and it did require me to swallow some pride.

One can learn much about people by their garbage.

But it also challenges me spiritually. This is a dead-end road, so most of the littering is likely done by residents who live on the road.

I now find myself in a spiritual paradox where a good act can lead to sin (if I allow it). My ego attempts to build a mental construct that because I do a “good” deed – I am a good person (proud and self-righteousness). This then leads me to be resentful when I see fresh litter. My thoughts of the people who live down the road are (now) filled with suspicion and prejudice.

The littering will not stop, so I decided when I see litter along my walk, instead of swelling resentment, I would pray for those individuals that they may grow in gratefulness for the gift of creation. Now, whether this prayer affects them, I cannot say. What I can hope for is that my prayer affects me. And if it does that – it is miracle enough.

This morning, after seeing that dump of crawfish heads – praying for those individuals took some “extra” doing.

My heart and soul still has a way to go, …I continue walking

Lord, teach us to be faithful in seeking the common good, and that your light may shine on the whole human family. Help us to remain faithful to a sacred way of life and guide us to the inheritance that you have promised.

Writing to God – Part 1

“Spin me in circles, Holy Spirit, and set my feet on a new path.”

R. Hackenberg

At the beginning of this Lenten season, I spent a few quiet days at a small nearby Benedictine monastery. I was able to pray the Office with the monks at morning, noon, and evening. I was also able to finish a book titled, “The Way of Paradox: Spiritual life as taught by Meister Eckhart; a 13th century German Domincan.

As part of my lenten practice, I decided to write to God each day. Now at midpoint through these 40 days, I have decided to share my side of the conversation:

Day 1 Feb 26 (Ash Wednesday) – When I read of evildoers and their ways in the Psalms, I think of those who have harmed me. It has become an easy and empty hook which I cannot shake. I want to let it go. I call upon you, my Beloved to release and heal me from this and strengthen me for the walk ahead.

Day 2 – I am wakened with the gifted thought “to give authority only to Love – in my life and through my life. Help me to see where I waste my time, my energy, my thoughts. My soul in stillness waits.

Day 3 – Yesterday, I learned of another elderly family member had passed. When I was young he was the elder. Now my generation is of the elder and have come to realize that I know and understand very little of this life. It is still a puzzle. And I desire your Spirit to release any remnants of resentment to those who have harmed me.

Day 4 – I am beginning to see the roots of my sarcastic sense of humor. The holding on to past hurts, (mis)judgments and arrogance. I am getting older and can sense its weight. Maybe you are showing me how/ or what I must do “to lift my soul” to you. I ask for help, I cannot do it alone.

Day 5 – I remember reading in Eckhart’s teaching that people do what they do, particularly the destructive things, because they are “not” God. Which says to me that I should not put people any better than who they truly are. In other words, not idolize them. My thoughts of them is not their truth.

Day 6 – I am so thankful for the gift of children and grandchildren: as my time with them yesterday was a lift of my soul. Beloved, protect them and gift them with a mind and spirit that recognizes you, as the source of blessings and all things good.

Day 7 – As I go out into the world today – open and relax my encounters. May it be a celebration of “human-ness.”

Day 8 – Yesterday had its weirdness. A bit of inquiry into the past. Lord, I trust that you will guide me and bring my life anew, daily – through your Spirit.

Day 9 – Waking up this morning from a dream, wondering “where did that come from?” In the dream, I was asked by a group of strangers “How would you summarize Jesus’ teaching?” I began fumbling with my written papers looking for an answer. In my panic to give an answer, I dropped everything scattering on the floor a big mess. I was in full anxiety mode searching for the paper which had my answer. Once I gave up, it came to me: the summary message of Christ is to love – that is it in a nutshell. Then I awoke. Lord, let that be my reflection today.

Day 10 – Lord, keep me in your presence this day. Keep me open and awake to receive your love from others and to give your love through self. I am grateful to be gifted with a greater awareness of how my thought streams keep me distracted and consumed. It is you who sets me free from the hunter’s snare.

Day 11 – Guide me this day to be your gift – help me to hear today’s sweet melody of morningbird and know/ trust that it is from you.

Day 12 – Lord, today I have no plans to go anywhere, but to appreciate the life and freedom that you offer me. I can realize that you are working within me still.

Now at day’s end: O my Lord, today you offered me freedom, silence, solitude and I only returned back to you a glass half-full.

Day 13 – Lord, may those lingering remnants of resentment, incredulity, painful emotions, and questions that have no answers – be like butterflies, or better yet moths: they land when they must, to rest, to gnaw – but fly away they must.

Day 14 – There seems to come a sense of gift, not everyday but most. There is movement in my mind, body, and soul. Certainly, I sense it. My diminishing body – I am ok with that. My mind is doing its diminishing act as well: it is what it is. But it is my spirit, my soul, on its path of detachment, that is most alive. It is a fresh exploration.

Day 15 – This morning a visit with friends over coffee and cake. Let it be more than co-miseration, rather: a life-giving moment.

Day 16 – I open the door to feel the weather. What I hear in my right ear is the jet engine roar of the morning rush hour traffic heading to work at breakneck speed. Mixed with this, my left ear hears the cacophony of morning birds welcoming the spring. Help me Lord to value the gift of freedom, your presence in this day, and to choose to be one with you.

Day 17 – To you Lord, I lift up my soul, my God in you I trust. Guide me to lift my soul higher and trust you more deeply – Amen

Day 18 – Lord, I am confused about this world. I always thought I had some sense of it. I don’t understand it anymore. I don’t think I ever did. Only thought I did. Is this the Wisdom of a dying ego? Is feeling lost an uncomfortable, but proper disposition for the spiritual path towards you?

Day 19 – It is an interesting social commentary that in this Lenten time of prayer, self-giving, and fasting we witness the social anxiety of anxiety, fear, hoarding, stockpiling of food/liquor, and above all else toilet paper. There seems to be a contradiction of truth to the depths of our professed faith and culture.

Day 20 – A quiet Monday – Can stay in my pajamas all day if I choose: now that is a blessed freedom. With all this pandemic anxiety – may your presence be my light today.

ps. Be blessed by solitude and the prayers of your pen!

“La vie trouve son chemin”

Translated: “Life finds its way”

The above image was taken on a recent retreat at St. Benedict Abbey. I was with a group of 20 retreatants being led on a walking tour of the back property. When I noticed the above scene, I stopped to gaze in utter amazement. Everyone else kept walking.

Underlying this scene is a testament to both human (natural) and divine (supernatural). I wondered who was the last person to open this gate and why. And why, for however many years, it no longer needed to be closed. This inanimate, man-made object expired its functional purpose as a gate. And yet a simple tree without apparent mind or spirit did not stop growing, maturing, and fulfilling its God-given purpose?

And if it be that way for a simple tree, how much more should it be for a child of the Beloved?

ps. Does this simple image conjure thought in your mind or spirit of divine mystery and our (human) interaction upon it? If so, consider writing and sharing a comment to this blog.

What follows (below) are two artistic images and a spiritual reflection of my dependence and gratitude to my Beloved. It is keyed by two inspirations that came to me late last year; “Freedom” and “Wait.” In each, I believe, there is a “gift” of new life to explore and discover.

++++++++++++++++++++++

In the morning, when I rise, …

I know not how to lift my soul to you.

So I sit in silence and wait, distracted by floating images. One by one not knowing where they come, or why. I catch myself sinking and shoulders tense. So, I lift my head and return to you my Beloved, if only for a moment.

You’ve shared breath for this day.

_______________________________________

My search is over…

Time to quit chasing mysteries that cannot be solved. Listening to the morningbird, was grace aplenty.

I return to sit once again in silence, distracted by floating images one by one. I catch myself sinking and my shoulders tense. So, I lift my head and return to you my Beloved, if only for a moment.

You’ve shared bread for this night.

open to being (re)formed

“O send forth your light and your truth; let these be my guide. Let them bring me to your holy mountain to the place where you dwell.” (Ps43)

“Everyone has to put down some part of their past sometime. Everyone makes a major life change at some time or other. Everyone has to be open to being formed again.

The only thing that can possibly deter the new formation is if we ourselves refuse to let go of what was. If we cling to the past, the future is closed to us.”

Joan Chittister, O.S.B.

2018 was a year of upheaval. I had devoted years of time, talent, treasure, “heart and soul” in forming a married and ministerial framework for the remainder of life. In three days, it all came apart. I had no cause or control.

The face of my world had changed revealing the life I had envisioned was an illusion. The one thing I did know was that the path ahead was going to be full of grief, deconstruction, and ongoing (re)formation.

What this upheaval did not change is the core essence of my being and spiritual motive: To seek God’s presence in all things. Discernment and obedience to God’s Spirit and Word for my life. The gift of Love and joy that I experience with my children, grandchildren, and close friends. My openness, honesty, creativity, hospitality, and heart of service.

The artwork in this blog focuses on the process of lithography (metal plate etching) and Benedictine spirituality based in monastic life and the Contemplative (Wisdom) traditions.

The images that follows are from one of the projects we had to do in our printmaking class. I have interwoven text exclusively from Joan Chittister, O.S.B. from her commentary on the Rule of Benedict (see book recommendations).

Benedict of Nursia

Benedict of Nursia was born in the year 480. As a student in Rome, he tired of the decadent culture around him and left it to live a simple life as a hermit in the countryside of Subiaco, about thirty miles away. It wasn’t long, however, before he was discovered both by the people of the area and disciples who where themselves looking for a more meaningful way of life.

Out of these associations sprang the monastic life that would eventually cover Europe. We do not know much more than that about the life of Benedict of Nursia but we know enough about the history of the times to know in what ways his Rule departed from it, gave the world fresh eyes and called people to live life with a new heart.

Begins with a pencil sketch on newsprint

The Rule of Benedict

The Rule of Benedict is a spiritual guide, rare by virtue of its ancient origins, valued for its continuing meaningfulness in every century since. It is not historical literature, it is wisdom literature. It endures precisely because it is not the history of a particular people, it is not the codification of the ethical mores of a single culture, it is not the teachings of science, it is not, in fact, devoted to the presentation of any particular body of knowledge. Wisdom literature takes as its subject matter the meaning and manner of achieving the well-lived life. It deals with the spiritual, the ascetic, the Divine, and the nature of virtue. Its concerns lie in the meaning of holiness and the fundaments of happiness. Wisdom literature is common to every great tradition. It lifts the spiritual life from the legal to the mystical, from theology to spirituality, from a study of the nature of religion to the depths of the personal spiritual life.

Aluminum plate is covered with a thin layer of tar-like asphaltum. Image is then transferred and etched with a sharp pointed tool. Note: All the etching is in reverse.

The Rule of Benedict brings a new respect for the seasons of life, community, and stewardship of the world.

The Rule of Benedict requires the development of a kind of humility that makes none of us subject to the whims of the rest of us. To a world where people work for money, the Rule of Benedict requires that we work to continue the will of God for all people. The Rule of Benedict provides a sense of contemplation, the fruits of which enable us to see the world as God sees the world.

Prologue to the Rule

What is it then, that the Rule of Benedict says to the sixth century that gives it not only the right but the need to be heard by the twenty-first century as well? The Rule of Benedict is not concerned with a single time and place, a single view of church, a single set of devotions or a single ministry. The Rule of Benedict is concerned with life: what it’s about, what it demands, how to live it. And it has not failed a single generation.

Etching plate is on the press and loaded with ink. The ink fills the etchings (crevices), wet paper is applied on top of plate and moved through the etching rollers with a great pressure that forces the wet paper down into the crevices to absorb the ink..

The Prologue to the rule is its cornerstone and its gauntlet. Read this, the rule says, and if this is not what you’re about, do not read on. Below is the first paragraph of the Prologue.

Listen carefully, my child, to my instructions, and attend to them with the ear of your heart. This is advice from the one who loves you; welcome it and faithfully put it into practice. The labor of obedience will bring you back to God from whom you had drifted through the sloth of disobedience. This message of mine is for you, then, if you are ready to give up your own will, once and for all, and armed with the strong and noble weapons of obedience to do battle for Jesus, the Christ.

Results are proofed, etching is further developed, acid washes are incorporated, additional proofs are done until satisfaction. Next step is edition.

The first word from the Prologue of the Rule of Benedict is “Listen.” Pay attention to the instructions of this Rule and attend to the important things in life. Let nothing go by without being open to being nourished by the inner meaning of that event in life. There is an Oriental proverb that teaches, “Take from death before it takes from thee.” If we do not live life consciously, in other words, we may not be living at all. The Prologue is asking us to do the same.

One part of spirituality, then is learning to be aware of what is going on around us and allowing ourselves to feel its effects. If we live in an environment of corporate greed or personal violence, we can’t grow from it spiritually until we allow ourselves to recognize it.

The other part of spirituality, the Prologue makes quite clear, is learning to hear what God wants in any given situation and being quick to respond to that, to “welcome it and faithfully put it into practice.” To see the greed or sense the violence without asking what the Gospel expects in such a situation is not spirituality. It is a (false) piety at best.

Last steps is to edition the desired number of copies. In this case there were 6 signed editions. Instead of white paper, I chose to use a brownish paper to effect some visual sense of antiquity.

Most important of all, perhaps, is the Prologue’s insistence that this Rule is not being written by a spiritual taskmaster who will bully us or beat us down in a counterfeit claim to growing us up but by someone who loves us and will, if we allow it, carry us along to fullness of life. It is an announcement of profound importance. No one grows by simply doing what someone else forces us to do. We begin to grow when we finally want to grow. All the rigid fathers and demanding mothers and disapproving teachers (and institutions) in the world cannot make up for our own decision to become what we can by doing what we must.

At the same time, Benedict is setting out the importance of not allowing ourselves to become our own guides, or own gods. Obedience, Benedict says, – the willingness to listen to the voice of God in life – is what will wrench us out of the limitations of our own landscape. We are being called to something outside of ourselves, something greater than ourselves, something beyond ourselves. We will need someone to show us the way: the Christ, a loving spiritual model, this Rule.

On a personal note: The spiritual life is not about putting God in our lives. God is already there. Each moment of our lives is an invitation to hear the Beloved and participate in this God-life already at work in us. To love ourselves as God loves us is a daily task. There is no shame that can be on us by others, or ourselves that we do not allow. I am willing to take God’s love for me as absolute and my “true” identity and promise in Christ. It is when we forget our God-given identity we get ourselves in trouble. When we do, our only response is to reaffirm our desire to (re)form once again. This is our daily task of conversion and journey back to the Beloved.

To seek God in all things, opens our vision to find God where we could not see God before, not as a cheap release from the problems of life, but as a deeper dependence and measure of life’s meaning for us.

Our Beloved is a “life-giver” and never a destroyer. This is a most simple benchmark of discerning God-will in our life. If we hold on during our darkest moments, with faith and hope, we will come to experience first-hand that life’s upheavals do not destroy us. As we make passage we will not only encounter a “new breath” of life after our human bodies expire but also in the present.

ps. I began this blog some 18 months ago for several reasons but primarily to remain open to the world community.

To those who follow this blog, you are always welcome to offer a personal comment. If you rather discuss anything with me directly, feel free to email:dcnguyk@gmail.com

Peter’s facade

A facade (ie false face) is a form of personality change that is performed to fulfill a particular emotion you wish to portray. When people put up facades, they are acting on the outside differently than how they are feeling on the inside.

Let’s consider the proclamation of the Apostle Peter, his relationship with Jesus and brother disciples at Caeserea Philipi (Matthew 16:13-20, Mark 8:27–30 and Luke 9:18–20).

“You are the Christ, the Son of the living God.”

Below is a historical rendering of Caeserea Philippi during Jesus’ time. It is where Jesus ask Peter and others, “Who do you say that I am?” It is located in northern Galilee at the headwaters of the Jordan. It was a historical place of worship to the pagan deity Baal, then to the Greek god Pan, and then to Caesar.

Below is a *recent photo of the same location during my trip to the Holy Land. The dark cave opening at center left was thought of as the entrance to the netherworld.*

Regardless of how one feels about Scripture, we can find our personal and collective humanity in it. And if we choose, there is Wisdom to be drawn.

After leaving Caesarea Philippi they head south to Jerusalem for Passover. Again, on the day before Jesus’ death – Peter reaffirms who Jesus was to him, and declares his loyalty, “Even though I must die with you, I will not deny you.” And so said all the disciples (Matt 26:35)

Peter maybe fooled himself, and his brotherhood but not Jesus. In the courtyard Peter is held to account, he rejects Jesus, even curses and swears an oath, …and the cock crows

In all our abstract religiosity and idealistic sensibilities, it is not always easy to think of Peter (and Jesus) every bit human as you and I. Yet in this biblical episode of Jesus, Peter and the disciples there is a microcosm of our own personal and institutional character, …that willfully says one thing but does the opposite. Often in darkness and harmful to those we say we love.

Ten years ago, my corporate employer of 22 years decided to eliminate and outsource 25% of the company jobs. I was 1 of 1000 people to be severed from employment. The day after getting the news, the local boss comes to my office to show compassion and regret. He said that he would certainly give me a positive referral in my application for a new job. We shook hands as he left my office. He always presented himself as an honest, churchgoing, bible believing Christian. He even kept an open bible on his office credenza (something I would not have had the courage to do). Through 22 years, I had never seen anything to disbelieve his word.

Shortly after, another job position opened in the local office and I applied. It was essentially the same job I held for the first 12 years of my employment. In the interview, I was asked “What do you feel were some of your major accomplishments?” Three of the four interviewers knew me personally and of my accomplishments. I felt a bit foolish in verbalizing what were by company standards, a half-dozen well noted technical and leadership accomplishments including one project that earned the highest corporate award the “Chairman’s Award.” Besides, they were listed on my interview resume.

Rather, I replied that I felt that my biggest accomplishment was hiring good and talented people who contributed much to the success of the company. This was sincere. But it was not what I felt was my highest accomplishment which for me was not patronizing corporate egos nor subordinating my integrity for personal or social benefit.

The interview panel recommended me for the open position including the manager I would have worked under. I did not get the job. They were over-ruled by the very same man who with a straight face sat in front of me, promised a positive job referral and sealed it with his handshake. It was confirmed as a political hack and the “dirty deed” was disguised and hidden in the dark.

************

It is a hard lesson when one’s trust in another person (or one’s illusion of future life) is broken. There is a loss. And a time for deep grief, …to accept and feel the pangs of betrayal and its grief: which is best when sipped like fine wine. There is a passage to make, but it is just that: a “passage” not a destination. We are to keep walking our journey to the Beloved albeit with greater clarity of Truth. It is in these events of suffering, death, and resurrection that I am most easily convicted to the path of life-giving demonstrated in Jesus Christ and his gospel. It is my chosen journey of faith in the Beloved where there is life after death, even the little deaths we face in our earthly life. I have experienced it many times and it is available for all who choose their heart and eyes to see it.

And when one proclaims to know Christ, there is an obligation to follow truth and justice in his example and teachings. And knowing that we all fail throughout life, let’s go back to Peter and Jesus in the courtyard. There is a point in Luke’s account after Peter’s third denial when Peter says, “Man, I do not know what you are talking about!” he curses and swears and oath!

Then the cock crows and “The Lord turned and looked at Peter (Lk 22:60).

Now imagine yourself in the scene, …what thoughts and human emotions would you see communicated on Jesus face? And Peter’s face?

*The Denial of Peter* by Carl Heinrich Bloch

In Jesus, I see and feel deep anguish of being betrayed and abandoned by someone he deeply loved. In Peter, the felt sense of shame. There is a sense of human broken-ness.

This is the interior place of my “unresolved” emotions and thought. I often wonder if those persons who have acted in such a way as to cause harm to my person ever reflect on their actions. I imagine a dialogue with them to ask, Why? Not so much to forgive but to understand. And perhaps a sort of acknowledgment. I am sure this moment will not happen in reality. At least not in this lifetime.

The only glimmer of understanding I can bring to it is that when we harm others, it is sourced from our woundedness – and we are all wounded in some way. It is the way of the world. Psychology tells us that when we fail to acknowledge our own pain and woundedness we are blind to it and most easily project it onto others. I believe this a universal truth of our broken humanity and part of the world we live – for which I am also complicit.

When I pray the Lord’s prayer there is the part “and forgive us our trespass” that I personalize to “and forgive my trespass.” It is my way to acknowledge and pray for those whom I have harmed through my own faults and to which I am blind and not yet acknowledged. I pray for “their” strength to forgive me since they may never hear my sorrow or see my reparation for the harm I have caused to their person.

At this point in the biblical narrative, Peter’s story is unfinished. We see in Peter an aspect of divine therapy for healing: and act of acknowledgement and sorrow.

Then Peter remembered what Jesus had said: Before the cock crows, you will deny me three times. And he (Peter) went out and wept bitterly

Jesus does not abandon Peter to himself, or to the netherworld. We read in John 21 that after Jesus’ death on the cross the disciples return to Galilee and they go out at night to fish. At daybreak, Jesus stood on the beach and called them in. After breakfast, Jesus repeatedly asked of Simon Peter,

“Simon son of John, do you love me?” Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him three times. He said, “Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you.” Jesus said, “Feed my sheep.“

And there we hear the ongoing penance for you, me and the church:

“If you love me, feed my sheep!”

—————————————————

ps. My own art, featured at the top of this blog, is simple but full of symbolism. It was crafted somewhat by accident but after it was done, I immediately connected with it. In religious tradition, the rooster is most symbolic to Peter’s denial.

The historical legend is that Pope Nicholas (in the 9th century) decreed that all churches must display the rooster on their steeples or domes as a symbol of Peter’s betrayal of Jesus. Many Catholic churches especially in France and other locales with Francophone connections have a rooster atop the church steeple. Including our local cathedral.

Reflection question: Do you find yourself having to put on a mask (ie. false face) before God or before other people? How influenced are you by your false self (the ego self that we often identify with that is in constant need of approval and affirmation and is motivated by these needs?

Never Alone

How much time each day do you consciously set aside your thinking brain, emotions, busi-ness and consciously consent to God’s inward presence and action?

An ancient story tells: Once upon a time, the master had a visitor who came to inquire about Zen. But instead of listening, the visitor kept talking about his own concerns and giving his own thoughts.

After a while, the master served tea. He poured tea into his visitor’s cup until it was full and then he kept on pouring.

Finally, the visitor could not bear it any longer. “Don’t you see that my cup is full?” he said. “It’s not possible to get anymore in.”

“Just so,” the master said, stopping at last. “And like this cup, you are filled in your own ideas. How can you expect me to give you Zen unless you first empty your cup?”

The story urges me to reflect, “Why am I always trying to fill my cup, … in seeking to experience what I have not yet experienced, to travel the road I have not yet traveled, or gain the next bit of knowledge that I do not yet seem to possess?

Not to say any of it is bad but that’s not the point: If my life is always about doing and filling the voids, where is the God-space in my day and being? When and where is my “spirit and soul” offered in silence and dependency?

To you, O Lord, I lift up my soul, my God, in you I trust …for you are God my savior, for you I wait all the day long.

In previous blogs I mentioned Centering Prayer. I have found it to be a prayerful form of interior silence that consents and acknowledges God’s inward presence and action. Centering Prayer did not replace any prior practice of sacred reading (lectio divina), conversational prayers (public or private). It simply added to my spiritual practices and better yet, fulfilled something that was missing.

We know we cannot earn God’s Love, Mercy, and Salvation but many spiritual practices still dominate this idea that we have to be “doing” something to connect with God-life within us. We act as though we either have to be thinking about God, voicing prayers, be associated with the “right” group and doing good deeds, etc. In other words, we have to “do” something to earn good graces in order to be close to God.

I believe this flows from the conditioning of our society. We are told (often from childhood) that to be successful and happy we must produce and of course consume. This may serve the ongoing economic cycle of a consumer society but in the spiritual realm we cannot do anything to receive God’s love, mercy, and salvation. It begs the question, “at what point in our prayer/ life do we turn off the mental and psychological switch of “doing” to encounter what we cannot earn by our doing?”

When somebody says “Let’s pray,” it almost automatically means we must engage our minds and tongues to action. Not so much our silence for listening to what God says. It is as though the act of prayer is solely up to our doing rather than the Beloved. There is a great (un) conditioning required if we are to fully encounter the fullness of “God-life” within us. Centering Prayer positions me to turn off that programmed “switch” of doing (ie. thinking, feeling, saying, etc). And it is not an easy thing to set aside: the preoccupations of my anxieties and wandering imaginations. In fact, it seems that it only happens in very, very brief moments.

Centering Prayer is simple but also a most difficult form of prayer. It is different than conventional meditation but similar in the sense of setting in a quiet space for a time period (twice a day). When mental thought or imaginations arise (and it will) never repress it but rather allow it to float like a boat downriver. And when (not if) you catch yourself hooked on a mental thought, the practice employs returning to one’s “sacred word” as a way of letting thought go and renewing your intention to consent to God’s inward presence. I usually have to repeat my sacred word a dozen times within a 15 minute prayer period. I am always having to “let go” returning to consent.

There is not much more to Centering Prayer than positioning one’s whole self for “God to do what God does.” If you wish to gain a better understanding, I have listed Fr. Thomas Keating book titled, “Open Minds, Open Hearts,” in the book recommendations.

The featured image (above) is a derivative of a very famous 15th century icon by Andrei Rublev.

Rublev’s orginal (below) depicts the three angels who visited Abraham at the Oak of Mamre (Genesis 18:1–8). It is best known as the “Hospitality of Abraham.” In the biblical story, Abraham and Sarah welcomed divine nature into their house and fed them. Blessings followed.

My rendition symbolizes my alone-ness in the presence of my Beloved. I live in faith that God’s presence is available at every moment. This is Grace freely offered in totality, but I am to consent to it in order to receive its fullness. Centering prayer is a way of saying, “Here I am.”

Welcoming and being hospitable to God’s inward presence is an apt metaphor for Centering Prayer

We all experience harsh and difficult moments of rejection and loss which by default create deep voids in our life. We can succumb to its darkness or seek the gift of Holy Wisdom so to restore a holy and life-giving environment for one’s life – while remaining cautious not to overfill our cup. And if one’s cup has been overfilled: self-emptying is called for.

The act of self-emptying is found five times in the New Testament (Ro.4:14, 1Co.1:17, 9:15, 2Co.9:3, Phil.2:7). Of these five times it is Phil 2:7, in which Jesus is said to have “emptied himself.”

ps. How’s your cup?

The Color of Skin

Does one tree in the forest think it is better than another?

The following is a poem I wrote at a recent poetry workshop at the Thensted Center in Grand Coteau, Louisiana. I was prompted by the beautiful tree motifs of its window curtains.

The Color of Skin

Surrounded by trees

Some blue, some black

Shines the Light for us to see

Some blue, some black

Side by side – neither do they lack

Ever wonder why we label persons, places, and things then place a judgment of value upon it? It becomes either more or less.

Trees only know how to be a tree. It does not know what color it is. Nor does it think it is more or less than its neighbor tree. In God’s creation, it is us humans who place a value on one tree over another; ie. a good tree versus a “trash” tree.

We humans also put labels on ourselves (and others) as a form of self-identification and comparison. I am either good or bad. You are either a member of my “group/tribe/label,” or not.

If you are black, white, red, yellow, or somewhere inbetween; You are either “in or out, …more or less than.”

Even in our religious traditions we label, divide, then accept or downcast. Christians, Jews, Muslims, atheist all believe they have the “Truth,” and others less so (if at all). We find the same within the numerous Christian traditions, ie. you either have the “right thinking” or not.

Maybe its man’s first and core sin: Pride, followed by shame and fear. We are all susceptible and it ends up being our first step into division and personal prejudice. And somehow “acting” as though we are more or less than who our Beloved has created us to be.

Maybe we cannot avoid attaching labels to things and people. It is hardwired in the way our minds function and the limitations of words we use to communicate. A greater consciousness that words only point and are not the thing itself – opens us to a “greater” love.

“The mystic forgets the given name or hangs little on it, can carry his names in a coin purse. Loss of names is not the loss of everything. The sun names nothing …”

Darrell Bourque, The Yellow Covenant

Regardless of what I think (or judge) to be of more or less value: It is God’s Wisdom that matters and will always trump our own perceived reality.

Which by the way, teaches me to pray by listening while remaining hopeful that my Beloved truly has a sense of humor.

For this, I am grateful.

Gift of the Morningbird

When the sun climbs over the mountain. Just to hear you sing your song. And all the stars lay down in heaven, to take their rest till evening comes.

Sing to me, my morningbird. The sweetest song, I ever heard. Loves melody, in your hearts own words. Sing to me, my morningbird.

Don’t you fly, away from me, without leaving me with your song. For the morning, is much too lonely, and so quiet, when you are gone.

ps. Each day is a gift. Let someone close to you know that you love them.

Click to hear this beautiful melody:

Beyond mind and emotion

Where can (or does) my relationship with the Beloved move beyond the limits of my own thoughts, emotions, doings and cross over into unity with the mind of Christ?

I study and meditate on scripture which is a mindful act prayer. I vocalize prayer both private and public which is a mental act of the my thoughts, emotions, and tongue. And sometimes the work of my hands are a prayer. But when do I “set aside” and consent to listen and hear the voice of the Beloved?? There are moments of grace when I sense the Wisdom of God’s Spirit although it is most often in hindsight. And then I think it only happens when it is so loud that it has to overpower the dominating chatter of my ego and its thoughts. What I do know is that it is far too easy for me to believe that “my mind” is the Mind of Christ – which it is not.

In my prayer, I am more inclined to the doing, the thinking, the talking, and the one in charge rather than consenting to the presence of the Beloved.

God’s presence is available at every moment, but we have a giant obstacle in ourselves – our worldview; which our Christian faith calls us to exchange for the mind of Christ – for His worldview. It requires a discipline that develops the sensitivity to hear Christ’s invitation: “Behold I stand at the door and knock; if anyone opens I will come in and sup with him and he with me” (Rev 3:20).

Why is it such a big effort to open the door?

Having first experienced the presence of the Indwelling Spirit as a teenager, I have never lost the sense and acknowledgment of the presence and influence of God’s Spirit in my person and life. I’ve never felt abandoned even “…in spite of myself.” But I usually fail to “see” or be in touch with the activity and the moment that God is constantly initiating at my inmost center of pure being.

Anyone who has lived enough years know that hard events in life happen and can waken us: to a letting go of attachments, false assumptions, illusions, and certain self-identifications. These hard events either harden or soften us: blinds us, or deepens our vision. I am convinced that to walk with Christ through life’s passions will allow me to see resurrected (new) life. The recent and combined loss of my marriage and vocational ministry within the Church has been such an event. The grief is and was the deepest and I am determined that it not be wasted.

The rebuilding of my life propels me to seek a deeper understanding of contemplation and solitude. It is a personal recognition and reminder of my “unknowing” and need to live in that awareness more deeply. This for me takes cultivation and perseverance. And I recognize it all as gift and Grace. The excitement of my life is learning how to unwrap this valuable gift.

For many years I have struggled with the predominate form of prayer which relies on words being spoken. Spoken words seems to be the automatic response when someone in a group says “Let’s pray.” If what God has to say is infinitely more valuable than what I (or others) have to say, shouldn’t silencing ourselves be a more fruitful response?

Spoken words require an act of the mind. And the actions of our mind is a product of many things but (almost) always a projection of our self, our emotions and worldview. This is not a bad thing, but if I am doing most of the thinking and talking, where do I allow space, consent and the wakening of my soul for God’s Spirit? How deep can a relationship go if I am doing most of the thinking and doing and failing to give consent, time and space for “Other?”

At least for me there is a tendency to fall into a way of relating to God as though God is “out there” and separate from me – Which is contrary to scripture. Even the many words and vocalizations we use in prayer point to a God who is “out there” and that can be manipulated by our petitions. And believing that more words and petitions release more of God’s love on us. That, I believe, points to the limitation of words to express the infinite.

My holy desire brings me to the life-long work of Fr. Thomas Keating and the practice of centering prayer. Largely in response to the 1962-65 Second Vatican Council’s call to religious orders for renewal, Keating and fellow Cistercian monks Fr. W Meninger and Fr. B Pennington (1931-2005), worked together in the 1970s to develop a contemplative prayer method that drew on ancient traditions but would be readily accessible to the modern world. Fr. Keating has written many related books but the title “Open Mind, Open Heart,” covers the practice of Centering Prayer (see book recommendations).

Centering prayer is a contemporary name for the practice that Jesus refers to as “prayer in secret” in the Sermon on the Mount (Matt 6:6):

“But when you pray, go into your room and shut the door and pray to your Father who is in secret; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you.”

Christian Wisdom tradition, especially of the Desert Fathers and Mothers of the fourth century, interpreted this saying of Jesus as referring to the movement from ordinary psychological movement (mindfulness) to the interior silence of the spiritual level of our being (heartfulness) and beyond that, to the secrecy of the union with the Divine Indwelling. In other words, letting go of all personal agendas, expectations, and desires for divine consolations, psychological breakthroughs, and self-reflections of any kind. More recent contemplatives are John Cassian, Frances de Sales, Teresa of Avila, John of the Cross, Therese of Lisieux, and Thomas Merton.

What is different about centering prayer is a withdrawal of our attention from ordinary flow of thoughts.

Centering prayer suggest a practical method of entering our “inner room” by deliberately letting go of external concerns symbolized by closing our eyes and consenting to the presence and action of God within. The centering prayer method responds to this invitation:

By consenting to God’s presence and action within.
By surrendering our will completely to God.
By relating to God who dwells in secret, which is the silence of self.

This form of prayer is not superior nor does it replace other forms of prayer. It is simply another facet of one’s prayer life. I continue to pray through my internal thoughts of Scripture and dialogue with the Beloved and with spoken words in public and in private. My heart is still directed to serve the People of God.

In my home I have a comfortable place to sit and enter into 15 min of Centering Prayer with the following excerpt from Ps 22. I close with the Divine Office:

To you, O Lord, I lift up my soul, my God, in you I trust, … Make known to me your ways, Lord, teach me your paths. Guide me by your fidelity and teach me, for you are God my savior, for you I wait all the day long (Ps 22)

One of the first things one realizes when practicing centering prayer is the constant bombardment of mental thoughts. It is how the brain works so I do not think it negatively but, … it does make me wonder how much of my interactions, words, and relationships are influenced by this constant mental bombardment. I am just a beginner of centering prayer but feel this adds a missing component to my relationship with the Beloved. In a strange way it is not more, but less.

Ps. Father Keating passed a couple of years ago at age 95. The website he founded is www.contemplativeoutreach.org. There is also an app that can be downloaded to a smartphone. I use as a timer during the dedicated centering prayer period. I find it useful.

ps. The featured image of Jesus at Prayer was taken at the Jesuit Retreat Center in Sedalia, CO

feel free to comment