This collage was inspired by a quote taken from the non-fiction book, “A Sanctuary of Outcast” by Neil White. It hangs in my home and serves as a reminder.

The quote was attributed to an elderly black woman who spent all but the first six years of her life at Carville, LA socially abandoned with physical disfigurement caused by Hansen’s disease and social ignorance. She was no longer  concerned with what other people thought of her. She knew who she was and was not ashamed.

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Fear and hiding our true self has primordial origins. We have forgotten that fear is not of God.

In the Genesis story after the fall , God called to the humans, “Where are you?” The human answered, “I heard the sound of you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself.” God said, “Who told you that you were naked?” That is, “Humanity, who told you that you were bad? Who told you that you were not what you should be, …Who told you that you were separated from me, that you were guilty?”

We all struggle to accept our true identity in God and our spiritual freedom; for it requires us to continually change our mind about who God is, about who we are and about who Christ is.

Striving to live open and honest is not easy. It must be desired and lived each day open to constant conversion. Truth is, whether we live our true self or false self, people will still place their judgment on us. You will either be accepted, rejected, or simply ignored. In total, we experience all three.

Regardless of what people think of you, At the end of the day, do you lay your head down content in your holy and pure heart, or do you stay awake with anxiety and shame?

In John 6, Jesus replies to an unbelieving crowd who take offense to his hard sayings, “…the words I have spoken to you are Spirit and life.” Afterwards, many of his disciples drew back and no longer walked with him. Jesus then said to the Twelve, “Will you also go away?” Simon  Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go?”

Peter’s response is one of those universal questions  about what we chose to guide our own life. If we rely solely upon our own judgment, we fall into a relativism which says that I get to judge what is good and what is evil,  “I am the center of the universe.” This is the sin of Adam and Eve, …the sin of Pride, and who has not lived long enough to see its many faces of evil and destruction?

The Holy Spirit is no doubt operative in our lives and the Ignatian exercises of discerning Spirit is good but it cannot stand alone. If we think so, let’s go back to Genesis and consider how subtle the evil spirit led Eve to eat of the fruit.

Is there a greater written Wisdom available to man than what is found in Scripture, particularly the gospels?

To apply the gospel as a standard in which to further develop one’s personality and daily actions is not a romantic venture. It will lead you to the cross as it did to Jesus.  This is courage to be.

Where in the gospel do you find yourself?

My earliest memory goes back to when I was three years old. It was 1960.

Our mother had her beauty shop in the front room of our house. It had typical beauty shop furniture; a styling chair and dryer, mirrors and some pictures on the wall. My favorite place to sit was on the floor underneath the air conditioner window unit. It was the coolest spot in the house.

The older ladies would ask me, “And, how old are you?” Proudly, I would lift my right hand, forcing three middle fingers to stick up, so I could claim for myself and be affirmed by the elder ladies that I was now a “big boy.”

Nowadays, when I tell people in their 70’s and 80’s my age they say, “Oh, you are still so young!”

Well, at 60+ years of age I am entering the latter phase of earthly life. I can say (and my body confirms) that I am no longer young but in terms of maturity of intellect, wisdom, emotions, and spirit – I have to ask, am I now a “big boy?”

As I pass each decade of living, I’ve learned that “LIFE” exposes and sometimes crushes the fantasies that I’ve held about myself and the life to be. When I hear someone say, “I need to speak my truth,” I think NOT truth but the little voice in our head that convinces us that we are “bigger” than who we truly are. It is the liar we must never ignore.

There is only one Truth and it is absolute. No one person can claim personal ownership of it. So, the question that I ask myself today is, “am I still that little child whose ego is saying, You are a big boy, now, … you are mature?” Hopefully not, because it won’t be long before life itself will erase this fantasy and teach me otherwise.

If we are fortunate to live one more day, or perhaps a decade or two, how will we look back on this moment, …what maturity and immaturity will I find?