Spiritual Maturation -

Shipwrecked

“These are the only genuine ideas, the ideas of the shipwrecked. All the rest is rhetoric, posturing, farce.” (Jose-Ortega y Gasset)

Two years ago, I walked alone in my backyard meditating upon my fortunate circumstances and feelings of gratitude to God: He had given me 10 years of marriage to a woman whom I deeply loved. We co-ministered in the church. We were both free from debt and could live each day as we each desired. I was ordained a RC deacon the previous year. My vision of service to my community, study and teaching of scripture was manifest. I can even remember myself thinking “it seemed too good.”

Six months later, my ship ran aground. All within the span of three days: my personal and public life/ identity as a married man and clergy ended. The depth of mental and emotional shock and grief is beyond words.

I certainly could not make sense of it (and still cant). All I could then and can do now is accept and walk the path in front of me. I told myself that I would be “kind” to myself and ward off any sense of self-shame. Knowing that people’s first presumption was that I had done something to cause this, I accepted it would take time for the highest truth to be revealed. The teachings from the biblical story of Job was never far from my mind.

As I write this, eighteen months have since past. A year ago, I began this blog of sharing share my joy and journey through art, contemplation, and lived experience. It is a means of keeping my mind, heart, and spirit active and open to others.

The divorce finalized in March and I let go of the rope tethering the “marriage-boat.” It is now floating somewhere downriver.

About six weeks ago, The “Grace of Wisdom” that I knew would come – did come. It was triggered by two painful and separate events by individuals operating within an institutional culture of blindness and hardness. My response was an emotional flood of tears followed by a decision to let go and accept that I can no longer participate or heal in any “space” that fails to recognize the God given value of my soul, or that of any other. The only question I held upon entering clerical formation has been adequately answered through time, first-hand experience and (I believe) God’s gift of Holy Wisdom. I remain faithful to the vow of obedience I gave to God’s Word.

So, I’ve let go of this second boat with holy conviction that the Beloved will continue to lead me in sanctity: by paths I cannot understand.

The second boat which has been holding my grief remains stuck on its sandbar (untethered) only waiting for the tide to come in and take it away.

ps Last week I began an 8wk guided study on Spirituality and the Twelve Steps (cac.org). The program uses Fr. Richard Rohr’s book titled, Breathing Under Water (see Book Recommendations). It is a work expressing my desire for deeper transformation into the “divine nature” (2 Peter 1:4) and bringing about a “new creation” (Galatians 6:15).

The featured image is a collage constructed from images taken from various magazines. It is a practice called “Soul Collage” learned from a workshop attended last year. The constructed image articulates my soul/spirit escaping the confines of ego identification or any other attachments that obstruct healing and fulfillment of my God given human dignity and worth.

Here is a question that I will leave you to ponder: What conscious choices do you make in your day that nurture your soul?

Feel free to leave a comment

To keep and to let go

The featured image is a personal reflection that I wrote to my parents on their 50^th wedding anniversary. I have five siblings, and we each wrote our own reflection and gave it to them as our gift of gratitude. As you read further, you will understand why I have chosen to share it in my blog.

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One evening, a few weeks ago, I received an anonymous phone call from a young man who said that he needed to talk to a priest or deacon and had found my number on a website. I asked him how I could help.

He shared that he was raised in another part of the state and had grown up with parents who felt free to walk around the house nude and that he would sometimes see them go beyond that. And now, as a young man, he is struggling with these “feelings.” As he continued, he began to unravel and reveal his struggles with sexuality, shame, isolation, and fear of rejection.

I spoke with him over two phone conversations. I offered him several thoughts to consider. First, as Christians, we hold faith that we are created in original holiness, in the image and likeness of our Creator, who is Love. This is our core identity, and that we are to love ourselves as God loves us into being. This is not easy for anyone. Even in the biblical story of the first man and first woman, their first response to sin was to hide in shame.

This is often what we do: we see ourselves as something less than who we are and then fail to uphold this confidence of original holiness. And it is made worse when others project their own shadow onto our being or when we do it to others.

I was limited in how much I could help this young man, so I encouraged him to become aware of his internal thoughts of self-condemnation and work towards a language of love and self-acceptance. And to join a church community near his home (without expectation of others) and (in time) make an inquiry with the pastor for more guidance.

As he shared his childhood upbringing, I could not help but recall my own reflection about parents. Simply, that none of us get to choose our parents. It is God’s gift. This idea of a gift is not a sentimental thought. None of our parents were perfect in themselves or their parenting of us. And as parents ourselves, none of us are either. It is a recognition that regardless of who our parents were to us: they were our example of how to live and how “not” to live.

As we move from childhood to maturity, we are to discern what good of our parents we are to carry forward in our lives and what “not” good to leave behind (in forgiveness). I hope that my own children do no less for themselves in regards to their mother and me.

When we fail to do this, we carry forward that which was harmful and then onto our own children and spouse. Maybe that is what is considered a generational sin. It is certainly a cause of sickness in our human society and relationships.

We are not bound to the trauma of our past. If we strive beyond the unthinking routine of our behavior to make deliberate choices of human good: we break the cycle. It is hard and sometimes painful work. It is also, I believe, the road less traveled.

I feel acceptable in sharing this story primarily because the person to whom I spoke never identified himself to me. I have no idea who this person is and besides, I simply choose not to judge him. What he is struggling with within his life is no different than what most everyone struggles with.

I’d like to close with a passage from Sirach 15:14-20.

It was he who created man in the beginning, and he left him in the power of his own inclination. If you will, you can keep the commandments, and to act faithfully is a matter of your own choice. He has placed before you fire and water: stretch out your hand for whichever you wish. 

Before a man are life and death, and whichever he chooses will be given to him. For great is the wisdom of the Lord; he is mighty in power and sees everything; his eyes are on those who fear him, and he knows every deed of man. He has not commanded any one to be ungodly, and he has not given any one permission to sin.

Through God’s Love, we have a conscience and free will to participate in that divine relationship with God. It is another gift by which we come to know that we are loved.

Feel free to comment

For some reason…

We humans prefer manageable complexity to an unmanageable simplicity

-Fr. Bruno Barnhardt, OSB Cam.

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It was 2am and I awoke in a such a high state of anxiety. Almost a panic.

In my dream I was standing at the edge of the cliffs of a Great Canyon overlooking the magnificent and broad expanse of the night sky. In its darkness was beautiful light of the deep cosmos. It was all before me and my sense of eternity went beyond anything I’ve ever held in conscious thought. At the same time, my human mortality was exposed.

As I awoke, its intensity followed me into wake-full consciousness. The night moon was large and full. Its light shone bright allowing me to see like the day but at the same time suffocating. My thought of being alone was frightening and to endure this heightened state till daylight was dreadful. I needed to talk to someone.

Interestingly, my first thought was calling my mom but chose not to call anyone. It just seemed all too complicated. There was a chill in the air and I began to shiver. I needed to get back under the warm bed covers but was convinced that there was no way I could lay still, much less fall asleep. I walked around my place for awhile wondering if I was literally going crazy. I eventually returned to bed and lay under the covers but continued to shiver uncontrollably. I started reciting the Our Father and I kept saying the Lord’s Prayer over and over again….The next thing I remember is waking up in the daylight. I was OK.

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I experienced this dream back in 1995. There was a lot of turmoil and grace going on in my life. I was six months into a marital separation and had attended a Cursillo six weeks earlier. During my Cursillo experience, I had an intense opening and profound encounter of God’s Love and Mercy.

Before I go on, I consider my dreams nothing more than my subconscious ruminations. For me, my dreams are not supernatural events, just a reflection of what is stirring within my intellectual, emotional and spiritual state and consciousness. I do not consider anything in my life outside everyday human experience and common to every human soul.

Regardless, this particular dream of 23 yrs ago continues to form and teach how I think of myself and to what happens in my life. This dream experience helped me to see my life into a much larger context and its co-relationship with the Truths of mortality and eternity. It is a contemplative approach to which St. Thomas gives the broadest possible definition of contemplation when he calls it simplex intuitus veritas, “a simple intuition of the truth.” The anxiety of my dream was not to be feared but embraced. It is by this Grace which sustains my contemplative outlook and prayer.

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Once again, I find myself experiencing a very sharp edge in human relationships. It is one of the motivations of why I am sharing reflections of my life’s experiences, intellect and spirit: It is my way to remain open, vulnerable, and present to others especially when my wounded-ness is pulling me otherwise.

For months, I had been working on an artistic expression of my dream but only recently completed a rendering that I thought was close. Last week with the art piece in hand I began composing my written reflection with a sensitivity to the movement of God’s Spirit in my life. Now comes this past Sunday, and I am standing to hear Jesus’ gospel. It was from (Luke 21:25–28, 34–36)

“And there will be signs in sun and moon and stars, and upon the earth distress of nations in perplexity at the roaring of the sea and the waves, men fainting with fear and with foreboding of what is coming on the world; for the powers of the heavens will be shaken. Now when these things begin to take place, look up and raise your heads, because your redemption is drawing near.”

“But take heed to yourselves lest your hearts be weighed down with dissipation and drunkenness and cares of this life, and that day come upon you suddenly like a snare; for it will come upon all who dwell upon the face of the whole earth. But watch at all times, praying that you may have strength to escape all these things that will take place, and to stand before the Son of man.”

The multiple thematic connections with my dream and the gospel may be simple coincidence. I do not know. And there is no value in making a personal claim either way. I just consider it as another “holy happenstance” among many that never fails to leave me in Awe and Reverence.

ps. May we take this moment to recognize:

“God With Us”

Moo Cow

Growing up, my family’s homestead was on the outskirts of the city where there was enough land for my father to raise a few head of cattle. He raised cattle because he enjoyed it and because it supplied meat and milk for the family, all eight of us.

As I young boy I would sometimes follow him to the barn to watch him milk the cow. I yearned for the day that I could milk the cow. Around 9 yrs old, I began nagging. Daddy, Daddy, when can I start milking the cow? His reply, “Son, when you are ten years old.” I could not understand why I had to wait. I was quite confident since I was able to get our milk cow in and out of the stall,…Not so much knowing that the momma cow knew the routine all by herself. She was always waiting at the barn door to be fed.

As my tenth birthday approached – my nagging intensified, “Daddy, Daddy, I am almost 10, can I start now?” His reply was constant, “Son, when you are ten years old.”

On the afternoon of my tenth birthday, I could not wait. I grabbed the milk bucket and headed to the barn. As usual, our old gentle milk cow, Braus, was waiting. I managed to get her in the stall, wash her and began milking. After milking Braus, her uncooperative baby calf had to suck and after be separated – which was not so easy to manage. From that moment, it only took about three days for the fun and excitement of this new responsibility to completely disappear.

I told Dad, that I really did not want to milk the cow anymore. He said, “Son, you are now ten years old. It’s now your chore. Go milk the cow.” I had cross the threshold of innocence into daily chores. This barnyard drudgery lasted for the next five years.

I’ve always credited my father with teaching me a valuable lesson – early in life. Be patient for what lies ahead in life. It will come. And once I make a promise to someone, do all that I can to live up to my commitments,…Even if it no longer brings personal advantage, pleasure, and happiness.

This is the path of our maturity and I believe this lesson transcends;

“When you make a vow to the LORD your God, you shall not be slack to pay it; for the LORD your God will surely require it of you, and it would be sin in you. (DT 23:21)

To do less is to dishonor oneself, and the God to whom you pray. It is harmful to those others who have put their trust in you.

You shall be careful to perform what has passed your lips, for you have voluntarily vowed to the LORD your God what you have promised with your mouth (DT 23:23)

God is the essence of truth and this quality should be reflected in the character of his children.

To live as a Christian, is to be faithful in keeping promises made to others and to God, because we have been called to live in integrity and truth. False or broken promises are considered as sin. There are consequence of sin that damage us and those around us in this life. We may ignore this but there is no getting around it, so:

…, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. (Phillipians 4:8)

The featured image was taken ten years ago, the day after my father’s funeral. We were collecting all his cattle for sale.

I do not miss the cows, but I sure miss my Dad.

O-Be-dience

About fifteen years ago, I was attending our company’s annual leadership gatherings along with 300 corporate managers. The keynote speaker was the new CEO. The company had just experience the effects of being bought by another corporations and its effects: cultural shifts, departmental outsourcing and reduction of employee benefits, etc. He was speaking of his “new” vision for the company. Toward the end of his talk he voiced how valuable the employees are to him, the corporate leadership, and to the success of the company. After his speech, he opens the floor inviting questions and comments.

I am sitting all the way in the back of the auditorium and after a few typical inquiries about the stock price, and what were his thoughts about the future of the industry, I raise my hand and offer my comment, “ I believe you when I hear you say that the well-being of the employees are of great concern from corporate leadership but to be honest I have not heard any of my coworkers say that they feel that corporate headquarters cares much about them. In fact it feels quite the opposite.” I was simply being open and honest. He could have responded to my comment as a personal challenge but to his credit, he acknowledged the value of my comment and said that it is something that he knows that he will have to prove. He did not respond with indignation and seemed to appreciate an honest comment from a subordinate. That day he earned my respect.

After a few more questions, the session ended. I headed to the restroom and was followed by two vice presidents who I knew very well. They said to me, “I can’t believe you had the courage to say what you said.”

What they said surprised me. The CEO opened the floor and asked for questions and comments. All I did was take him at his word and respond. Nothing more, nothing less. The comment by those two VP’s revealed their own fears and astonishment of someone speaking honestly to authority. Granted, I was only speaking for myself, but these two VP’s were responsible for a thousand employees under them. They had a much higher obligation to speak openly and honestly to authority at whatever consequence, not only for themselves, but for many others.

I am not suggesting it is always good to say everything and anything on our minds. There is prudence involved especially when there is potential to harm someone. But to fail to challenge our fears when we hide our “true” selves from others is seldom healthy.

For me, it boils down to a fundamental question, Do I prefer knowing (or not knowing) what someone else thinks? Knowing truth is not always easy, but it is easier than living in falsity and fantasy. I do not prefer living life with my head in the sand thinking I can avoid being hurt. Someone else’s words can only endanger my well being, if I allow it. I would rather know the reality of a person, than not knowing. I would rather people know the reality of who I am, than not. Otherwise, there cannot exist an honest and respectful relationship between two people.

Harm due to a lack of personal honesty between people is magnified within organizations of people. Failure to be open and honest between people(s) forms a culture of division and fear, dysfunction, and ultimately corruption that leads to forms of abuse.

Whatever a secular corporate organization may say about how it values its employees, its actions will betray the truth. They exist to make a dollar, and the dollar is above any employee’s worth. The culture is beholden to the dollar and its systemic systems of controlling and forcing obedience will serve its ends even at the expense of its employees.

When our employer fail us – we can just leave. This is not so much the case to our Christian faith. If we claim to be an authentic Christian, the Body of Christ, our mission, leadership, and obligation to holding each other accountable is clear.

Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.” Matt 28:18-20 (ESV)

The Church’s mission is clear. I’ll share a related experience in regards to our obligation to obedience:

A couple of years into ministerial formation, our mentors communicated their frustration by what they called our “grumblings.” Instead of a soulful inquiry to identify the source of our “grumblings” we were asked to write a reflection on the following questions:

Does obedience come easily for you, or is it a struggle?
To whom would you say you are obedient, and how?

After everyone turned in their assignments, they selected one candidate’s reflection to be read back to the whole group. It spoke of his struggle with (human) authority.

Below is an excerpt from my reflection:

[Coincidently, I am reading a book titled, A New Friendship, The Spirituality and Ministry of the Deacon, by Msgr. Edward Buelt. It offers clarity regarding obedience in diaconate service. He states, with his “Present” the deacon-candidate affirms three things.

First he professes that he willingly offers his heart in love for the One speaking.
Second, he promises to offer willingly his obedience, his careful hearing, to the Logos and to the Word that has redeemed and sanctified him and now calls him to the diaconate.
Third, he testifies that he is willing to give his life so that Christ, the Suffering Servant, whose icon he will become, may conform him to himself.

St. John Paul II’s wrote,“When a person is touched by the Word, …obedience is born, that is listening, which changes life” (Orientale lumen 10).]

It is important to note that the Latin etymology for “obedience” means “to hear or listen towards.” This is not typically what most people believe obedience to mean. We also find this aspect early in the Hebrew Old Testament for our act of obedience to God in the “Shema.” (Det 6:4)

Certainly, there is a necessary obedience to hierarchy. Without it there is chaos in the Church but our first and highest obedience is to the Word. Many of us have lost sight of this and more so, the clergy. It is to the “Word” that we have to hold each other accountable. Church leaders do not get a free pass. If there be any doubt, just consider the religious leaders of Jesus time and how they treated him, and how he responded to their corruption.

Romans 1:5 speaks of “obedience of faith.” As Christians, this obligation transcends authority of any man. It is this obedience that exercises our true goodness and fullness in this life – allowing each of us a foretaste in divine life.

To live this form of obedience is to honor God, oneself and others. If it takes courage to be open and honest so be it. But it is such a simple thing. If we truly believe in the gospel we will recognize our own self worth and live with the conviction of our Savior “and behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.”

I have come across both clergy and laity who acted as though they had the responsibility to protect Jesus and His Church. By their arrogance they have it backwards. Jesus does not need me, or anyone else, to protect Him. I need him to protect me and that is exactly why He was sent and why I am Christian.

The featured image is a simple image created while experimenting with alcohol inks.

The Courage to Be – Part 3

This old turtle is probably the oldest play thing in our public park. It hasn’t changed over the years. I played on it as a kid, I have brought my children and grandchildren to play on it. I am still fascinated with its caricature and simplicity.

Unlike this turtle, we come into this world as body, mind, and spirit. We experience constant forces of change. So why do we tend to fight change often “to the death?” We resist even when we acknowledge areas of our life that need to change for our own good?

The particular change that I am speaking is best described by a Greek term “metanoia.” which essentially means “to go beyond our present thought – which we construct and base our lives.”

I can think of two forms of change agents, ie. internal and external, that effect metanoia. Our personal will is an “internal” force. And when we are kind to ourselves, our will moves us through a less complicated and less painful metanoia.

Then there are “external” events, outside of our control that violently shatters our illusions of self and our future. Such as when we experience traumatic events of violence or the loss of a loved one, and we are forced into an emotional and mental deconstruction of our present sense of self and our environment. It is when we painfully learn how much of our thought about personal security and our future – was simply a mental fantasy.

These forced deconstructions are much more difficult to overcome. They tend to drive us into a dark corner to hide from ourselves and others. It is our personal jail and we are too scared to come out, …we are simply dying a slow death. In psychological terms, we are faced with a fight or flight response. We will not heal from emotional pain that invariably comes to all of us if we hide from it, to heal we must face it and allow ourselves to feel it. There is a quote I remember from long ago, and I don’t remember the author so I will paraphrase, to move through the pain of grief, one must savor it as though one is sipping on a glass fine wine.

Grief is to be felt, not ignored. And part of the process of healing from grief is allowing oneself to remain open and vulnerable to others through time. It is also helpful to fill the loss with some “thing” by gifting yourself with what offers you new life by stepping in to any unfulfilled passions and interest that you have yet realized in our life. In simpler words, what have you always wanted to experience but haven’t? To step into it is the act of creating anew.

It is beyond me to fully understand why people (even institutions) do harm to self and to others. Some have postulated it is because we are all “imperfect” people but that only sounds like a rationalization or a position of tolerance to evil. If it is truly a part of our human condition to hurt ourselves and others, does the scale of harm have to be so great? I think not.

I know that I have hurt others through my own ignorance and hopefully not so great that it was not easily overcome. I have also been hurt deeply by others. I do not for a moment think that I am alone in this reality of living life. At the same time, I do not wish to live my life as a perpetual victim.

Metanoia means that it is possible “to go” through the pain in this life and find something anew on the others side. I do not have to stay in the same place nor do I want to. I choose my life to be in constant movement toward God (and others) in my true being. This does take forgiveness which is the choice to “letting go” of the past, anticipating the future, and being attentive to the present. It is the act of metanoia.

We can recognize a much larger scheme at work in our lives once we recognize that the passion, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ is also the movement in our own life. Not that the passion and death is easy, but that no matter what death we experience in this life, even our little deaths, there will always be for us – new life, …always.

The featured image is a recent photo. Maybe, it’s time to name my old endeared friend, any thoughts?

I already knows more…

“I already knows more than I understand”

My closest childhood friend (back in the 60s) was the known as the “smart kid” who enjoyed reading the dictionary. Myself, I was a curious about things but not much into books nor did I consider myself college bound. I was planning a career in the woodworking trade. In my early 20’s all that changed.

At 18, I left home and joined the Navy. By the time I was 21, I had completely circled the globe and no longer limited to a worldview formed by my upbringing. In those four years I opened myself to just about any experience put in front of me. I was being taught by the world, …to which I can now say is not always a good thing. During this time I developed a curiosity of electronics which motivated me to study engineering. While at university, I developed a love of learning that has continued to this day. Books became the means to discover the unknown and gain knowledge.

Since then, no matter what I became involved with, I would ensure that I had a large collection of subject matter books. My books offered easy access to a repository of knowledge which ensured legitimacy to whatever I needed to do, or speak about.

Engineering school developed my analytical abilities but I had never considered how other people viewed my approach to study and learning until a few years ago. One of my cohorts said, you know we both get the same assignments to work on but you always seem to go “5 steps further” than me in response. He said, “I am not criticizing, it’s all good.” He continued,” When I hear you speak on something, its obvious that that its well thought out.”

This was not the first time I have been told that I think differently than most people. Personally, I do not think differently than anyone else. Maybe deeper but not different. This has its benefits but also its downside. It is easy to fall into temptation assuming pride of my intellect and to some, it is very intimidating and comes across as arrogant.

One simple example that comes to mind is a time when one of my coworkers gave me feedback by saying that I would do better if I took the dictionary off my desk. Apparently, I used too many “5 dollar” words for his liking. I wanted to respond to him by saying maybe it would be better if he put a dictionary on his desk but that would have been mean-spirited. He projected his intellectual insecurity as a negative towards me. Its what people do but I wish I knew how to better project my love of ideas and thoughts in humility.

One thing that has helped me through the years came from enneagram spirituality. Back 15 years, I attended a workshop on the enneagram. It was the first system of articulating human experience that has been helpful to understanding myself, and others.

The enneagram like many other personality typing systems define generic characteristics for each personality type. In theory, we all fall into one personality pattern. What I appreciate about the enneagram is that each type is on a spectrum of (unhealthy) compulsion on one end and (healthy) contemplation on the other. For our person to grow and mature through life, we move from compulsion toward contemplation on our personality type.

When I first read enneagram type 5 – I felt as though I was looking at a reflection of myself in a mirror. How could some book on personality types nail me, as it did, …shattering my belief of being unique and independently motivated in thought and action? Enneagram 5’s dominant center is the head. We arrange what we observe and learn of life into some sort of order and we do that in our own private world (the mind). 5’s basic compulsion (vice) is avarice (greed). This greed is not materialistic but rather the keeping to one’s internal thought, ideas, and perceptions to ourselves. In our compulsion, we grab and hoard all we can get. Knowledge is our god and idol. We are primarily anxiety driven although we learn early in life to bury it within our unconsciousness. We (over) think within our selves – so to make what we have to say wiser, better, more fitting, all in order to earn the approval and love we so much want to have.

For me, the (unknown) answer that I am seeking is always in the book that I have not yet read.

Unlike most personality systems, the enneagram does not treat our personality as something static. It makes great sense to me that just like the physical, emotional, and mental attributes of my person – my personality can and needs to grow from infancy to ever greater maturity through all stages of life. My trap is to remain stuck inside myself, hiding who I am and what I believe. The journey outward is my way to balance life.

I began a conscious movement into adult maturity in my mid 30’s. I was recovering from a divorce and rebuilding my life with a healthier sense of who I was. I chose to join my church choir. I had no choir background but singing was my conscious decision to move my hidden faith and prayer life from an interior position to an exterior. I saw it as a form of spiritual exercise to gain strength and conditioning. Now, some 25 years later, it fundamentally matured me in ways that I can only believe God created and planned me to be. Today I experience greater desire and courage to live a deeper Christian form of service and outreach – a deeper giving of my-self to others. This blog is but one example.

I am a natural introvert. When I was young I did not speak or express much of myself. It was not a problem for me but many would express their disdain for my quietness which indirectly communicated that I was somehow lacking. As I began to open up and share who I am and what I thought, I would get this same negative projection. This time, not for what I did not say but for what I would say. It taught me that “some people will not appreciate you no matter what. I learned that whether I turned left or right, people will have something to say about me. Ultimately what matters is that I accept my (imperfect) self as my Creator does, not in judgment but only in Love. Living authentically is about being who God created me to be and not be overly concerned with other people’s judgement of me (good or bad).

The featured image is a simple collage of a “young” me against a backdrop of books. The quote is taken from a character in the book titled, “In the Sanctuary of Outcast” by Neil White. The quote was from an elderly African American woman who spent all but six years of her life quarantined at the home for Hansen’s disease (leprosy) in Carville, LA. Her name was Ella. In the story, she was asked by the author if she ever read books. Her response was, “I already knows more than I understand.”

This quote resonated with me prompting me to reflect on all the books I’ve ever read. Realizing that from all the book I’ve read, I have forgotten more than I have retained. It certainly makes me think of the time and value I have placed grabbing for new information that I have mostly forgotten. Did I grab for more than what I needed in life, …perhaps even at the expense of something else? Maybe, there is no answer to the question.

No doubt books are valuable throughout life, and I will continue reading but I no longer place the same value on acquiring someone else’s ideas and thoughts in order to gain some false sense of security in who I am, or what I have to offer others.

To whom shall we go?

The featured image is a carving of Jesus Christ named Pantocrator. The word Pantocrator is of Greek origin meaning “ruler of all.” He holds the book of the Gospels in his left hand and blesses with his right hand.

The icon portrays Christ as the Righteous Judge and Lover of Mankind, both at the same time. The Gospel is the book by which we are judged and the blessing proclaims God’s loving kindness toward us, showing us that he is giving us his forgiveness. The oldest known Pantocrator icon was written in the sixth century. It was preserved in the monastery of St. Catherine in the Sinai desert.

Years ago, my employer was striving to change its management culture to a more inclusive and collaborative style. One of the leadership workshops focused on better respecting the ideas and voices of everyone. In their best of intentions they crafted the over-arching theme to be “Everyone speaks their own truth.” I knew the workshop leaders well so after the workshop we talked. I said that when you say everyone speaks their own truth – you are saying that truth is relative meaning that there is no “absolute” truth. This is called “relativism” – where people live by the motto, “Well that’s your truth and I have my truth.”

To say there is no absolute truth is to say there is no God. We become our own god which is what the Genesis account of humanity’s Fall is all about. Eat the fruit and be “like gods” (Gn 3:5). Rather, it would be accurate to say that everyone speaks their own “bias.” This we cannot escape.

Our world, the world we see, is a reflection of our self-image. In a symbolic way Christ told us that we behold ourselves in what we see: the lamp of the body is the eye” (Mt 6:22); “take care then that the light in you not become darkness” (Lk 11:35); “for if the light in you is darkness, how great will be the darkness [everywhere]” (Mt 6:23).

We are tied to our judgmental world with its guilt and punishment because we are tied to the people (and system) which formed us. The basis for our judgments is often founded on what we’ve learned from key people in our lives. These people make up “our gods.” Parental gods, church gods, state gods, corporate gods, teacher gods, peer gods, friend gods. These gods are now internalized; we carry them around in our head and look to them for support. (see ref: Who told you that you were naked? by John Jacob Raub, Crossroad Pub)

If I resort to no one but myself, with my own thoughts and feelings, as a guide towards truth and morality – I am in deep trouble, …and have often been.

There is a reference in John’s gospel if Jesus teaching his followers about his Most Holy Body and Blood (Jn 6:51-58). Because of this hard saying, many of his followers departed him but those who stayed replied, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life; and we have believed, and have come to know, that you are the Holy One of God.”

I find myself asking this same question, “Lord, to whom shall I go?” In response, I admit that I do not have a better answer by which to guide my life but Jesus Christ and his good news.

Understanding one’s life in the context of Jesus’ passion, death, and resurrection is not some romantic “goodwill” gesture. It does come with an experience and understanding of suffering and death but equally on its other side comes “new” life.

If there is something better out there, I have not found it. Now, to whom shall you go?

What people thinks…

This collage was inspired by a quote taken from the non-fiction book, “A Sanctuary of Outcast” by Neil White. It hangs in my home and serves as a reminder.

The quote was attributed to an elderly black woman who spent all but the first six years of her life at Carville, LA socially abandoned with physical disfigurement caused by Hansen’s disease and social ignorance. She was no longer concerned with what other people thought of her. She knew who she was and was not ashamed.

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Fear and hiding our true self has primordial origins. We have forgotten that fear is not of God.

In the Genesis story after the fall , God called to the humans, “Where are you?” The human answered, “I heard the sound of you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself.” God said, “Who told you that you were naked?” That is, “Humanity, who told you that you were bad? Who told you that you were not what you should be, …Who told you that you were separated from me, that you were guilty?”

We all struggle to accept our true identity in God and our spiritual freedom; for it requires us to continually change our mind about who God is, about who we are and about who Christ is.

Striving to live open and honest is not easy. It must be desired and lived each day open to constant conversion. Truth is, whether we live our true self or false self, people will still place their judgment on us. You will either be accepted, rejected, or simply ignored. In total, we experience all three.

Regardless of what people think of you, At the end of the day, do you lay your head down content in your holy and pure heart, or do you stay awake with anxiety and shame?

In John 6, Jesus replies to an unbelieving crowd who take offense to his hard sayings, “…the words I have spoken to you are Spirit and life.” Afterwards, many of his disciples drew back and no longer walked with him. Jesus then said to the Twelve, “Will you also go away?” Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go?”

Peter’s response is one of those universal questions about what we chose to guide our own life. If we rely solely upon our own judgment, we fall into a relativism which says that I get to judge what is good and what is evil, “I am the center of the universe.” This is the sin of Adam and Eve, …the sin of Pride, and who has not lived long enough to see its many faces of evil and destruction?

The Holy Spirit is no doubt operative in our lives and the Ignatian exercises of discerning Spirit is good but it cannot stand alone. If we think so, let’s go back to Genesis and consider how subtle the evil spirit led Eve to eat of the fruit.

Is there a greater written Wisdom available to man than what is found in Scripture, particularly the gospels?

To apply the gospel as a standard in which to further develop one’s personality and daily actions is not a romantic venture. It will lead you to the cross as it did to Jesus. This is courage to be.

Where in the gospel do you find yourself?

At what age are we grown?

My earliest memory goes back to when I was three years old. It was 1960.

Our mother had her beauty shop in the front room of our house. It had typical beauty shop furniture; a styling chair and dryer, mirrors and some pictures on the wall. My favorite place to sit was on the floor underneath the air conditioner window unit. It was the coolest spot in the house.

The older ladies would ask me, “And, how old are you?” Proudly, I would lift my right hand, forcing three middle fingers to stick up, so I could claim for myself and be affirmed by the elder ladies that I was now a “big boy.”

Nowadays, when I tell people in their 70’s and 80’s my age they say, “Oh, you are still so young!”

Well, at 60+ years of age I am entering the latter phase of earthly life. I can say (and my body confirms) that I am no longer young but in terms of maturity of intellect, wisdom, emotions, and spirit – I have to ask, am I now a “big boy?”

As I pass each decade of living, I’ve learned that “LIFE” exposes and sometimes crushes the fantasies that I’ve held about myself and the life to be. When I hear someone say, “I need to speak my truth,” I think NOT truth but the little voice in our head that convinces us that we are “bigger” than who we truly are. It is the liar we must never ignore.

There is only one Truth and it is absolute. No one person can claim personal ownership of it. So, the question that I ask myself today is, “am I still that little child whose ego is saying, You are a big boy, now, … you are mature?” Hopefully not, because it won’t be long before life itself will erase this fantasy and teach me otherwise.

If we are fortunate to live one more day, or perhaps a decade or two, how will we look back on this moment, …what maturity and immaturity will I find?