Tag: Reconciliation

“And then one day, – and I still don’t know how it happened – the sea came. Without warning. Without welcome, …”

excerpt: Breathing Under Water by Carol Bieleck, R.S.C.J.

The following are my journal reflections generated from an 8wk guided study on the spirituality of the twelve steps based on Fr. Richard Rohr’s book titled, Breathing Under Water, Spirituality and the Twelve Steps. Below is an excerpt from page xvii of his book.

Note: The title of Rohr’s book “Breathing Under Water,” is a metaphor pointing to our human struggle (ie. breathing) to live in a fallen world (ie. underwater). We have a choice to remain in our pain and resultant addictions, …or move through it.

“We are all spiritually powerless, however, and not just those physically addicted to a substance, which is why I (Rohr) address this book to everyone. Alcoholics just have their powerlessness visible for all to see. The rest of us disguise it in different ways, and overcompensate for our more hidden and subtle addictions and attachments, especially our addiction to our way of thinking.” See book recommendations.

Step 3: In what ways has your (over) reaching for happiness in life failed?

Not sure this qualifies as a failure but there is certainly an element of sadness to it.

I do have a highly sensitive and playful heart but it is not what people first see (which for the most part is on me). I’m always analyzing my thoughts and those of others in search of deeper truths . Since this is so much a part of my inner life – I am sure this mental activity is projected outward to others and is difficult for others. My creative and critical thought processes (and articulations) are not heavily filtered through my heart.  I am difficult to read. My persona does not automatically engender “good” first impressions.  As much as I accept the reality of everyone’s imperfections and idiosyncrasies (including my own) – I do not handle (perceived) hypocrisy and ignorance very well which comes across as arrogant and offensive.  The analytical mind prevails.

20+ years ago, I made a decision to open my “inner life” to the outside. A deliberate path of maturing into a “generosity” of self. To live completely open and honest is my way of respecting others, including myself. It is no small step for a natural introvert. This is what I’ve learned:

• When I’ve closed my thoughts, emotions, and feelings to others: people signaled that they either liked me, didn’t like me, or were indifferent.
• When I’ve opened my thoughts, emotions, and feelings to others: people signaled that they either liked me, didn’t like me, or were indifferent.

What people think of me does matters but it has more to do with who they are and that is OK. Nowadays my interior work is centered on accepting myself as I am (in this moment) with a faith and hope in being known and loved by the Beloved. I am slowly learning to accept the authority of the Beloved – to say who I am.

Step 4: Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves “Most people do not see things as they are, they see things as they are.”

Rohr writes, “Evil succeeds only by disguising itself as good, necessary, or helpful. It relies upon camouflage to have its way and must get us to doubt our inherent dignity, just as Jesus’ temptations in the desert. The very fact that anyone can do stupid, cruel, or destructive things shows that they are at that moment unconscious and unaware. Think about that: Evil proceeds from a lack of consciousness.”

I’ve had just as much moral failure as anyone else and have long reflected and still wondering “What part of my brain was not working (unconscious) allowing me to act as though there was no harm in it?”

In the late 80’s I had just been hired for a new job in technology. Paper forms of corporate correspondence was the norm. Computers and the internet where just beginning to show up.

One morning, the boss and I were discussing this new fangled corporate idea called “email.” It was being tested  by a few in the office. He said, that he did not have time in the day to learn email.

I replied, “You do have time to learn,” thinking that he had about six months before email would be mandated for everyone. I was offering my “brilliant” technological insight. He was highly offended by my comment, “who is this (new employee) contradicting me (ie the boss) that I had time – when I said that I did not?”  

The above is an everyday common example of interpersonal communications between two people. There is no conscious intent to harm but offense, as minor as it was, still occurred. Who is to say that small mustard seed of resentment would not mature into something much greater.  If I had to label the sin in this encounter, it would be pride. My pride of intellect and his pride of position and power. We were both operating from our own (different) frame of unconsciousness.

Fortunately, the interpersonal tension did not stay “hidden and camouflaged” for long. The boss and I were soon able to convey (openly and honestly) our misguided assumptions. Our relationship ultimately formed into a long lasting and mutually respectful relationship.

Step 9: Making amends. “Make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.”

Rohr writes, “It is face-to-face encounters, although usually difficult after a hurt, that do the most good in the long run, even if the other party rebuffs you at the first attempt. You opened the door from your side, and it thus remains open, unless you reclose it.” 

How does that statement resonate with your experience?

Back when I was 16, I was often hired by my next door neighbor to sell fireworks for the holiday season.  I operated with a cashbox that I turned in at the end of each day. I often worked by myself and one season had talked myself into lifting a few 5 dollar bills until I had accumulated $25. It didn’t gnaw on me till after I left home for military service. My neighbors had always been very good to me and should not have taken from them what was not mine. Once I got back, I decided to return the $25 in order to make amends. Except that I did not have the courage to do it personal and “face-to-face” even though I knew they would easily forgive. So instead, I put $25 in the church collection basket (in their name). It has rung hollow in me ever since.

Now, some 40 years later: I do not believe I am going to eternal damnation over this but I have to admit my consciousness is still not completely clear.

Even though I did not keep financial gain by taking what did not belong to me, sufficient reparation was not made and thereby was not fully healed or transformed. If I had the chance, I would redo that event with a face-to-face encounter.

ps. Hold onto the Beloved’s Mercy and give Fr. Rohr’s book a “look-see.”