Grief -

The Last 2%

Bull

Gore me if you must,

for once you’ve had your play

my soul will shake loose

with its sweet nectar.

In the Old Testament, the bull symbolized the pagan god Baal. The bull and its violent act of goring are metaphors for much in this world, which destroys life.

The butterfly is a Greek symbol of the soul: that which gives life. Its metaphor represents life (caterpillar), death (chrysalis), and resurrected life (butterfly). It also represents our Christian life in the model of Christ’s passion, death, and resurrection.

Soul – Our Truest Self

“At the center of our being is a point of nothingness which is untouched by sin and by illusion, a point of pure truth, a point or spark which belongs entirely to God, which is never at our disposal, from which God disposes of our lives, which is inaccessible to the fantasies of our mind or the brutalities of our own will. This little point of nothingness and of absolute poverty is the pure glory of God in us.

It is so to speak His name written in us, as our poverty, as our indigence, as our dependence, as our sonship. It is like a pure diamond, blazing with the invisible light of heaven. It is in everybody, and if we could see it we would see these billion points of light coming together in the face and blaze of a sun that would make all the darkness and cruelty of life vanish completely.” (Merton)

Grief is too precious to waste

What follows is a deeply personal letter I wrote some twenty-two years ago to a small group of men and women who were experiencing deep loss and grief. With just a few minor changes, it is just as relevant today as it was back then.

I would like to share a quote that I recently read, ” My experience of grief is that you can take little sips of it, like very fine wine, and let go of it”.

It is at this place I find myself, and I feel it proper to no longer have an ‘active role in the Beginning Experience ministry. I have not perfectly overcome all the hurts but I carry with me: acceptance of the past, forgiveness of myself and my ex-spouse, trust in God’s Love for me and my children, and a personal freedom to live my life in the present and love again. I am confident that when this time arrives for each of us, it is truly “the good news”.

Even though I am comfortable with this decision, leaving the team is not easy for me. I have been blessed, immeasurably, during my time in this ministry.

When I reflect back over the past two years and consider what my relationship with each of you has meant to me, and my children, I thank God, especially … for bringing each of you into my life. These past two years have been an awesome period in my life. I have grown emotionally and spiritually and it is impossible for me to think of you separate from this.

I have experienced, for the first time, a kind of intimacy that I believe only reveals itself when two of God’s people, are willing to open themselves, reach out, and share themselves and their vulnerability with each other. To me, this is agape love.

Each one of you is a very special person. Participating in this ministry requires a willingness to look within oneself with the courage to face what we find, and share it with others. It is a giving of self that is difficult. It brings us closer to our humanity and to our God. It is a personal character trait that, I believe, fulfills at least in part God’s call to each of us. I personally admire each of you.

The phone calls, personal conversations, the cards, and most especially the hugs, have kept me lifted up during the most difficult time in my life and it will always be remembered.

The fellowship, shared in small group, hold a special place in my heart. I feel an extra-special relationship with each of you. I am grateful that you gave me your trust. Your thoughts expressed in your warm fuzzies were kind. I read them from time to time. It helps me to remember you and it never fails to lift me up. Thank you.

Once when I was sick in bed with the flu, a team member took it upon herself to prepare and send me some soup. When it arrived, her act of kindness and concern touched my heart and brought a tear to my eyes. Her act reflects the good and caring person that she is. Beyond the physical nourishment of the soup, it helped me realize that I am worthy of being cared for. I would say her name, but she knows who she is. Thank You.

To the special person that I have often asked for help in critiquing my talks for the weekend, thank you for your directness, honesty, and being there when I needed you.

To the two facilitators who invited me to the team. I have foremost given my best to follow the vision of this spiritual peer ministry. Without your invitation, these last two years would have been very different for me. I came to you at a time when I was struggling with many personal doubts. You helped me see and accept something about myself that is good.

Lastly, I want to thank all the clergy who involve themselves in this ministry. Their expression of humility, love, and commitment to the Lord Jesus Christ, have been an inspiration for me.

To my brothers and sisters, It is my prayer that each of you continues to give of yourself in ministry and always be reminded that our strength and healing lie in Jesus. May the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ and the love of God and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with all of you.

A Community of Saints

We do not walk alone. Amongst us, there is a mystical community of saints, a community of souls who convoke healing by giving and receiving compassion in this valley of tears. It is a much deeper meaning of the Church. And, if you are reading this, you are in this communion.

We are body and soul and do not escape the angst of many (small) deaths throughout life. Up until our final breath, recovery remains a hard walk that requires mostly inner work of “letting go” of illusion in exchange for more profound truths. Once received and honored, one can know his or her “truest” identity to experience joy and be a source of life for others: in the divine image. I know of no other way to satisfy that longing that we all carry in our hearts.

“Nothing ever goes away until it teaches us what we need to know.” P. Chodron

I’ve reached a point where I cannot overcome that remaining 2% of angst that life has brought me. It is a place to which has no rationale or justice. In other words, the bull has finally tired and shaken me loose.

I can now join with Christ on the cross and give that remaining remnant of angst to the Supreme Source and Giver of Life for the promise of new life.

This is my path forward and the faith and hope in Jesus Christ to which I will cling.

Shipwrecked

“These are the only genuine ideas, the ideas of the shipwrecked. All the rest is rhetoric, posturing, farce.” (Jose-Ortega y Gasset)

Two years ago, I walked alone in my backyard meditating upon my fortunate circumstances and feelings of gratitude to God: He had given me 10 years of marriage to a woman whom I deeply loved. We co-ministered in the church. We were both free from debt and could live each day as we each desired. I was ordained a RC deacon the previous year. My vision of service to my community, study and teaching of scripture was manifest. I can even remember myself thinking “it seemed too good.”

Six months later, my ship ran aground. All within the span of three days: my personal and public life/ identity as a married man and clergy ended. The depth of mental and emotional shock and grief is beyond words.

I certainly could not make sense of it (and still cant). All I could then and can do now is accept and walk the path in front of me. I told myself that I would be “kind” to myself and ward off any sense of self-shame. Knowing that people’s first presumption was that I had done something to cause this, I accepted it would take time for the highest truth to be revealed. The teachings from the biblical story of Job was never far from my mind.

As I write this, eighteen months have since past. A year ago, I began this blog of sharing share my joy and journey through art, contemplation, and lived experience. It is a means of keeping my mind, heart, and spirit active and open to others.

The divorce finalized in March and I let go of the rope tethering the “marriage-boat.” It is now floating somewhere downriver.

About six weeks ago, The “Grace of Wisdom” that I knew would come – did come. It was triggered by two painful and separate events by individuals operating within an institutional culture of blindness and hardness. My response was an emotional flood of tears followed by a decision to let go and accept that I can no longer participate or heal in any “space” that fails to recognize the God given value of my soul, or that of any other. The only question I held upon entering clerical formation has been adequately answered through time, first-hand experience and (I believe) God’s gift of Holy Wisdom. I remain faithful to the vow of obedience I gave to God’s Word.

So, I’ve let go of this second boat with holy conviction that the Beloved will continue to lead me in sanctity: by paths I cannot understand.

The second boat which has been holding my grief remains stuck on its sandbar (untethered) only waiting for the tide to come in and take it away.

ps Last week I began an 8wk guided study on Spirituality and the Twelve Steps (cac.org). The program uses Fr. Richard Rohr’s book titled, Breathing Under Water (see Book Recommendations). It is a work expressing my desire for deeper transformation into the “divine nature” (2 Peter 1:4) and bringing about a “new creation” (Galatians 6:15).

The featured image is a collage constructed from images taken from various magazines. It is a practice called “Soul Collage” learned from a workshop attended last year. The constructed image articulates my soul/spirit escaping the confines of ego identification or any other attachments that obstruct healing and fulfillment of my God given human dignity and worth.

Here is a question that I will leave you to ponder: What conscious choices do you make in your day that nurture your soul?

Feel free to leave a comment

All Suffering is Sacred

There is an interesting note about the Satan character in the OT Book of Job. It is not yet the devil as we think it (ie. antichrist) but an agent of the sons of God, a kind of spy or overseer. Note: God starts the action (v. 8): Have you considered my servant Job, that there is none like him on earth, a blameless and upright man, who fears God and turns away from evil?

By the time we get to the 29th chapter: Job has lost his property, his children, his health and now resides on an ash heap.

Job’s wife says to him, “Do you still hold fast your integrity? Curse God and die.” But Job reproves her in saying, “Shall we receive good at the hand of God, and shall we not receive evil? In all this Job did not sin with his lips.”

He is then visited by friends who begin in silence and then give counsel. His friends are so certain of their own theology that they are increasingly unable to hear Job’s pain, to see the depth of his wounds, and to accept what his experience presents to their traditions.

Job tries to absorb what happened to him and to be understood. He reflects on how he imagined how his whole life was “supposed” to play out – only to realize his error and exercise in fantasy.

“…Then I thought, “I shall die in my nest, and I shall multiply my days as the sand, my roots spread out to the waters…”

Job’s faith and religion positioned him to believe all would remain good in his life: “Because I delivered the poor who cried and the fatherless who had none to help him. The blessing of him who was about to perish came upon me, and I caused the widow’s heart to sing for joy. I put on righteousness, and it clothed me; my justice was like a robe and a turban. I was eyes to the blind, and feet to the lame. I was a father to the poor, and I searched out the cause of him whom I did not know. I broke the fangs of the unrighteous, and made him drop his prey from his teeth.”

Job’s theology of retribution (Good behavior yields divine blessings and bad behavior provokes divine punishment) that had supported his life collapses, so he asks why this is happening to him.

Then, there is the fourth character, young Elihu who rebukes Job’s friend. Elihu is long-winded and sometimes arrogant but attentive to Job, and he encourages an intimate, personal relationship with God.

“But none says, ‘Where is God my Maker, Who gives songs in the night, who teaches us more than the beast of the earth, and makes us wiser than the birds of the air?” (35:10)

Elihu also proposes that Job wait, in a language that does not deny his pain and suffering but gives tragedy a way to speak to God.

In the end, Job meets God face-to-face and can now see beyond the limits of his suffering. He no longer needs to argue it out. His integrity remains intact. Job is faithful to his experience. Job has moved through his suffering and his world is now different: family, feasting, praying, and the larger community.

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The Book of Job falls under the category of Wisdom literature and written almost entirely in poetic form. Scholars believe it to be written in the seventh century B.C. after the Babylon exile serving as an allusion to Israel’s loss and suffering – told in the one character of Job.

To hear Job’s voice, who cries out, is:

to know our own suffering and to open us to caring for the suffering of others, …

To which, I am no different.

My life has been fortunate but like everyone else, I have experienced generosity as well as loss, injustice, suffering, and redemption. I allow myself to feel its effects while not wishing to exaggerate nor hide it from other people. I will honor it. It is my way of moving through and letting go. Always asking God to enlighten me on what I am to learn. In due time, …Wisdom and Understanding come.

I do believe evil exists but avoid crediting God for the good and Satan for the bad. It is just simply too easy to rationalize life and God in this way. It is too easy to be wrong and no benefit in being right. The point in the story where the Lord begins to answer Job is quite chilling:

“Who is this that darkens counsel by words without knowledge. Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth? Tell me if you have an understanding. Who determined its measurements – surely you know! Or, who stretched the line upon it? On what were its bases sunk, or who laid its cornerstone, when the morning star sang together, and all the sons of God shouted for joy?”

“Absolute Truth” is not subservient nor does it conform to my conclusions, or anyone else. I am constantly seeking the “Why? to this life but at the same time content with the unknowing tension of “Mystery.” As if I had a choice.

I remain naïve to the good I believe is at the core and desire of every human life. And if I am to err, I choose to err on the side of “good.”

Reflection: What does your experience tell you about the divine-human relationship in overcoming evil in this life?

The featured image is a simple doodle using a piece of custom art personally crafted from a Japanese technique called Sumagashi. The outcome had a bit of a “sinister” look.

Take a Walk

Last year, about this time, I gave a short talk on Sirach 27:30.

“Wrath and anger are hateful things, yet the sinner hugs them tight.”

Anger is a universal human emotion that we all experience. To feel anger, is not wrong. The temptation comes when someone hurts us and our first impulse is to hurt them back. BUT – Christ teaches that anger acted out in vengeance – is an offense against God (and) neighbor.

When Jesus was arrested in the Garden of Gethsemane, Peter grabs a knife and cuts off the ear of the high priest’s slave. It is a perfect metaphor to what happens in anger, …we cut off the organ of communications. We stop listening. Anger cuts us off from one another. But, what did Jesus do? …he immediately heals the ear. He reestablishes the link of communications within the Mystical Body. That is what He is about.

We all wrestle with this deadly sin. I’ve been hurt and “by God,” I am going to hurt back. It happens between countries. It happens between people. Unfortunately, it happens way to often in our marriages and our families, where one member is not speaking to another. Each one getting back at each other. You hit me, I will hit you back, but harder. And, on it goes, …

So, … what is the antidote to the deadly sin of anger?

Jesus lives it and preaches it all the time, …Forgiveness.

What does it mean to you when you say “Forgive us our trespasses, …as we forgive those who trespass against us?” God wants nothing more for us – than to live in freedom. He is always trying to show us how to untie ourselves from these deadly sins that we’ve wrapped around ourselves. He is always trying to “loosen the chains.”

How many times Lord, …seven times? No, … I tell you, seven times seventy.

Forgiveness is to be the core of who we are, …if we are to live in “in God’s image and likeness.”

Forgiveness is all God is, …and that’s all he wants – “about us.” Anger is a universal human emotion – but there is a huge difference between experiencing anger (compared to) being stuck in anger.

It takes great courage and fortitude to be on the receiving end of someone’s anger, and choosing not to participate. When we fail to do this, we should not delude ourselves into thinking that we are living in God’s Spirit. Besides, do you really wish to live your life always susceptible to the depth of anger that exist in this world? Do you wish ti give another person so much power to manipulate and control your emotions and behavior? It is your choice, but if so, you are missing the “freedom” of the gospel.

On the other hand, if because of anger you have hurt someone, …take a very small step to heal that broken relationship. There is nothing more that needs to be done other than arriving at a place of contrition, and saying “I am sorry, …please forgive me.”

My most difficult act of forgiveness is when I have been most deeply hurt and I want that person to acknowledge it, but the “I am sorry, …please forgive me,” will never come. I can apply no logic to resolve it.

For me, the cemetery is my place of counseling. I go and take a 30 minute walk. I read the names and dates of the people “who had a real life” on this earth, just like me. I reminds me that there is a finality to my life, as well, I too will come here to rest. This may sound a bit morbid to some, but it restores my emotional balance.

And, as I have heard it said, ” Life and death is a package deal.” One does not come without the other. And to live with that acceptance offers us spiritual awareness and freedom in our daily lives.

Listen to the words of Sirach,

“Remember your last days, …set enmity aside; remember death and decay and cease from sin! Think of the commandments, …hate NOT your neighbor’ …remember the Most High’s covenant, and overlook faults.” (Sirach 28:6-7)

When Jesus says to forgive, it doesn’t mean that we should not feel pain or hurt. It does not mean that we have to forget what someone has done to us. Healing calls us to imitate Christ. In time, we are to move our injury into compassion.

When we struggle to overcome anger and resentment and can’t bring ourselves to “getting along” with the person who’s hurt us, …we can at least desire – no harm. Then, move our spirit and pray for them. And praying for them is a deep way to Love.

When we pray for someone who has hurt us, we choose to will “the good” for them: We ask God to bless them,…We ask God to heal them,…We ask God to save them.

It doesn’t mean we have to put ourselves in harms way. It doesn’t mean we have to let them treat us badly. We are not to remain anyone’s doormat. But it does mean that if someone has hurt us, we are to forgive and express that forgiveness above all by praying for them, …by interceding for them.

And that is a way to love and show mercy, …so that one day we too might be together with them – as forgiven sinners, …and servants who have been shown mercy, …in the everlasting kingdom of God.

It’s time for my walk.

The featured image is the cemetery where I hope one day, …to lay.

ps. I’d like to offer a good book recommendation,

“Happier Endings, A Meditation on Life and Death” by Erica Brown, Simon and Schuster, 2013

The Courage to Be – Part 3

This old turtle is probably the oldest play thing in our public park. It hasn’t changed over the years. I played on it as a kid, I have brought my children and grandchildren to play on it. I am still fascinated with its caricature and simplicity.

Unlike this turtle, we come into this world as body, mind, and spirit. We experience constant forces of change. So why do we tend to fight change often “to the death?” We resist even when we acknowledge areas of our life that need to change for our own good?

The particular change that I am speaking is best described by a Greek term “metanoia.” which essentially means “to go beyond our present thought – which we construct and base our lives.”

I can think of two forms of change agents, ie. internal and external, that effect metanoia. Our personal will is an “internal” force. And when we are kind to ourselves, our will moves us through a less complicated and less painful metanoia.

Then there are “external” events, outside of our control that violently shatters our illusions of self and our future. Such as when we experience traumatic events of violence or the loss of a loved one, and we are forced into an emotional and mental deconstruction of our present sense of self and our environment. It is when we painfully learn how much of our thought about personal security and our future – was simply a mental fantasy.

These forced deconstructions are much more difficult to overcome. They tend to drive us into a dark corner to hide from ourselves and others. It is our personal jail and we are too scared to come out, …we are simply dying a slow death. In psychological terms, we are faced with a fight or flight response. We will not heal from emotional pain that invariably comes to all of us if we hide from it, to heal we must face it and allow ourselves to feel it. There is a quote I remember from long ago, and I don’t remember the author so I will paraphrase, to move through the pain of grief, one must savor it as though one is sipping on a glass fine wine.

Grief is to be felt, not ignored. And part of the process of healing from grief is allowing oneself to remain open and vulnerable to others through time. It is also helpful to fill the loss with some “thing” by gifting yourself with what offers you new life by stepping in to any unfulfilled passions and interest that you have yet realized in our life. In simpler words, what have you always wanted to experience but haven’t? To step into it is the act of creating anew.

It is beyond me to fully understand why people (even institutions) do harm to self and to others. Some have postulated it is because we are all “imperfect” people but that only sounds like a rationalization or a position of tolerance to evil. If it is truly a part of our human condition to hurt ourselves and others, does the scale of harm have to be so great? I think not.

I know that I have hurt others through my own ignorance and hopefully not so great that it was not easily overcome. I have also been hurt deeply by others. I do not for a moment think that I am alone in this reality of living life. At the same time, I do not wish to live my life as a perpetual victim.

Metanoia means that it is possible “to go” through the pain in this life and find something anew on the others side. I do not have to stay in the same place nor do I want to. I choose my life to be in constant movement toward God (and others) in my true being. This does take forgiveness which is the choice to “letting go” of the past, anticipating the future, and being attentive to the present. It is the act of metanoia.

We can recognize a much larger scheme at work in our lives once we recognize that the passion, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ is also the movement in our own life. Not that the passion and death is easy, but that no matter what death we experience in this life, even our little deaths, there will always be for us – new life, …always.

The featured image is a recent photo. Maybe, it’s time to name my old endeared friend, any thoughts?

Time does not heal

In the beginning God created heaven and earth. Now the earth was a formless void, there was darkness over the deep, with a divine wind sweeping over the waters. God said, ‘Let there be light,’ and there was light. God saw that light was good, and God divided light from darkness. (Gen 1:1-4)

To explain away some awful event of suffering in the lives of people, I’ve heard (good-minded) people say, “everything happens for a reason,” or “Time heals all wounds.” I do not think so. To think so, is to say that God factored evil acts into his grand plan for us. Just because we experience evil, it would be flawed to think this is how God decided best to direct history. Abba is a life giver, never a destroyer

From the first few verses of Genesis we see that God is the source of (natural) darkness and light.

Evil is the perversion of God’s good gift of free will. It arises from the choices made by imperfect people. So, what we do matters. Also throughout scripture darkness is used as a symbol of sin and its effects. It is often contrasted with light, as a symbol of forgiveness and the presence of God. Important is that God is able to be present and known, even in the darkest aspects of our world.

And the judgement is this: though the light has come into the world people have preferred darkness to the light because their deeds were evil. And indeed, everybody who does wrong hates the light and avoids it, to prevent his actions from being shown up; but whoever does the truth comes out into the light, so that what he is doing may plainly appear as done in God.’ (Jn 3:19-21)

We are all imperfect and wounded in some way. Who has not been on the receiving end of someone’s darkness and who has not harmed another by our own darkness?

Time does not heal, God does. But it does not happen by some kind of spiritual magic or without us. We must enter into our pain to heal.

Jesus declared publicly: Whoever believes in me believes not in me but in the one who sent me, and whoever sees me, sees the one who sent me. I have come into the world as light, to prevent anyone who believes in me from staying in the dark any more. If anyone hears my words and does not keep them faithfully, it is not I who shall judge such a person, since I have come not to judge the world, but to save the world: anyone who rejects me and refuses my words has his judge already: the word itself that I have spoken will be his judge on the last day. For I have not spoken of my own accord; but the Father who sent me commanded me what to say and what to speak, and I know that his commands mean eternal life. (Jn 12:44-50)

To believe in Jesus is to accept that we too will experience the cross in our life which in itself does not make our suffering any easier but challenges us to endure according to the promises of his Word and to know that the gift of eternal life is now.

When I hurt, “…I cry out to Yahweh in my distress; he will rescue me from my plight, he sends out his word and cures me, and rescues my life from the abyss.” (ref Ps 107:19-20)

There is a particular phrase in Matthew’s gospel (Matt 5:38-46);

‘You have heard how it was said, You will love your neighbor and hate your enemy. But I say this to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you; so that you may be children of your Father in heaven, for he causes his sun to rise on the bad as well as the good, and sends down rain to fall on the upright and the wicked alike.’

In our world, if we are assaulted we don’t turn the other cheek. We fight back, at the very least, demanding restitution and damages for injuries. Justice demands that perpetrators of injustice pay for the offenses committed. In our world, offenses have to be rectified.

In those times that I have been deeply hurt by betrayal from those close to me, I can easily forgive 98% – oftentimes never even taking the offense. For some reason, I always have. But it’s that last 2% of me that wants that person to know (deeply) how much their actions have hurt me. I want them to feel guilty before I fully forgive. That is my form of justice, …but its not of God. There is no such thing as human justice in the kingdom of God because in God’s world there is no such thing as an offense. Think about it.

p.s. Take a moment and pray for those who have persecuted and caused you great pain. If that person has since deceased, instead ask them to pray for you.

Healing will come not because “of time” but “in time.”

I Lift Up My Eyes

“I Lift Up My Eyes Unto the Hills”

Injustices of life, …loss of a spouse, loss of a job, death of a loved one, betrayal, rejection, abandonment, and false accusations by those close to us – bring devastating hurt and grief. Anyone who lives long enough will not escape these personal journeys into the valleys of darkness. The key is to move through it. I remain a victim only if I stay stuck in the valleys.

When I am in these valleys, I keep my faith and hope by reminding myself:

“Hang on to Jesus, my rock, my salvation”

“If I hope to heal, there is work for me. I must walk through, ..not around”

“Accept and share my emotions and feelings, without shame. Allow them to flow”

“Seek the Grace within these events”

“ Accept Jesus’ path through passion, death, and resurrection as the model for my own. Trust there is new life on the other side of these painful moments”

When I catch myself dwelling a bit long in depressive thought and emotion, I sing aloud a portion of Psalm 121. Psalm 121 is the second of 15 OT Songs of Ascents devout Jews must have sung as they made their way to the highlands of Judah, where Jerusalem was located, for the annual feasts.

One major route was the Jericho to Jerusalem route, which followed deep, narrow ravines nearly its entire winding ascent of over 3000 feet. One can easily imagine how this psalm might have been sung by a hopeful but very weary pilgrim. He has been traveling for days. His feet are sore. His muscles ache. Jerusalem, the end of his pilgrimage, seems very distant. Suddenly he sees the hills of Judah in the distance, and he breaks into song.

I lift up my eyes to the hills— where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip— he who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.

The Lord watches over you— the Lord is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.

The Lord will keep you from all harm— he will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.

I’ve only memorized the first stanza but when I sing aloud, …” I lift up my eyes” there comes an uplifting of my entire being of heart, mind, and spirit. I am strengthened in the assurance that the Almighty alone is my one “true” help and salvation. I am never alone.

Click on this text to hear Michael Card’s Psalm 121 interpretation

The audio clip is about 2 minutes in length, the first half is Hebrew, the remainder English