How does one become poor in spirit, …answer me that!
Now, when Jesus saw the crowds, he went up on a mountainside and sat down. His disciples came to him, and he began to teach them. He said: “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.” (Matt 5:1-3)
Instead of what people say about heaven, Jesus preached it is available to you and me in the “here and now.” Not simply as some future payback earned for good behavior or good standing in the eyes of men, but by our consent to participate with Divine Presence within each moment of our lives. It is an ongoing invitation and response of free will.
Still, the first beatitude has puzzled me since childhood. Are we not called to be filled with the Spirit?
Hard circumstances of these past few years pointed me to the contemplative traditions of the Church to which I have gained a deeper meaning into what it means to be “poor in spirit.”
I take from the writings of Christian mystics such as John Cassian, Benedict of Nursia, Theresa of Avila, John of the Cross, Meister Ekhart, Teilhard de Chardin, Thomas Merton, and others. I’ve also studied the contemplative practices of Centering Prayer, Christian Meditation, and Mindfulness.
These spiritual masters offer insight into spiritual questions that the modern Church struggles to articulate and much less practice. The Spanish Carmelite priest, St. John of the Cross (1542-1591) was a close spiritual associate with Theresa of Avila and her efforts at reforming the Carmelite community. They are both considered Doctors of the Church. John of the Cross wrote Dark Night of the Soul, Ascent of Mount Carmel, and the Spiritual Canticle.
After reading St. John’s Spiritual Canticle, I was stunned. Following are the specific lines that left me with a profound sense of personal communion and shared wellspring from which he wrote.
For every child, there comes a time to remove the training wheels and learn to balance oneself. I was fortunate to have a dad help make that transition.
Growing up, we did not get new bikes. They were used-up bikes given to my dad for us kids. With him being a mechanic, he would fix what needed fixing. They always seemed a bit rickety and oversized.
My big day came one late afternoon when dad returned from work. The route was our shell driveway. To the right was a row of young oak trees. With dad balancing the bike, I climbed to seat myself and find my footing on the pedals. Once ready, off we went with dad convincing me how good I was doing – almost by myself. Sustained by a shared momentum, he decides I am ready, and lets go. I’m wobbling forward and on my way.
The next challenge was the turns on each end of the driveway. I had plenty of space to make wide turns. Or so, I thought. I had “almost” completed one of those full turns, and there in front was the oak tree some twenty feet ahead. It was drawing me like a magnet. For whatever reason, maybe anxiety, I was locked on target and couldn’t steer clear. My euphoria came to a sudden crash. I learned how abrasive the bark of a live oak is to human skin. I took a few moments to recover my senses and check my wounds. I got back on and continued to ride until dark.
This event remains a positive memory. I had the will, courage, and trust to take a step in maturity and liberation, a rite of passage: a movement forward
If one thinks of this earthly life as birth-maturation-death or passage to a destination, then we can see a pattern filled with letting go, falling, getting hurt, (hopefully) recovering, and then moving forward by maturation and by new means. At least in my own life, I have seen this pattern unfold many times.
Just like the oak, there are many inevitable, immovable, and tragic events in our lifetime.
After the crash, I could’ve asked to put the training wheels back on but did not. I could not unlearn the facts or the truth that I could now balance on just two wheels. The training wheels were right in themselves and timely. Still, it was probably their limitations preventing the development of skills necessary to balance and steer away from a coarse and immovable object blocking vision and path.
Think about it. How many times do we fall in life? What are its consequences? What are its choices? How does it change us; do we grow from it, or do we regress, or do we just stagnate?
If we are to journey this life with a desire to mature emotionally and spiritually, it is important to differentiate that even the bicycle (much like everything in the physical world) only has purpose insofar as it helps us to our destination. When it has become an obstacle to that purpose, it is best to seek what is higher.
Today, the oak tree still stands. Its girth is much larger, and its bark remains coarse. There remains some beauty about it, although it is being choked by nearby oaks and much starved of ground nutrients and sunlight. Not sure it will be around in another sixty years.
I was fortunate to grow up having a dad. I learned much from him, but I often think my dad could have taught his son a bit more about manhood. Maybe, I would have avoided some of the typical missteps that most young boys make in their maturation. And then again, perhaps he did, but I wasn’t listening.
Perhaps, I needed to encounter that oak tree and its consequences to grow so to detach from unnecessary appurtenances and appearances? Maybe it is in falling where we cross the threshold to gain eternal wisdom.
I leave you with a thirteen minute video from Fr. Richard Rohr speaking on letting go; False ego-Self/ True Soul-Self.
ps. I recognize that some kids never got a bike and never learned to ride. That may have been an unfortunate circumstance of your upbringing but it doesn’t mean you have to carry that loss your entire life. Buy your own then receive from those who have been given.
Could you not discern the Grace and gain its eternal Wisdom?
In the Old Testament, the bull symbolized the pagan god Baal. The bull and its violent act of goring are metaphors for much in this world, which destroys life.
The butterfly is a Greek symbol of the soul: that which gives life. Its metaphor represents life (caterpillar), death (chrysalis), and resurrected life (butterfly). It also represents our Christian life in the model of Christ’s passion, death, and resurrection.
Soul – Our Truest Self
“At the center of our being is a point of nothingness which is untouched by sin and by illusion, a point of pure truth, a point or spark which belongs entirely to God, which is never at our disposal, from which God disposes of our lives, which is inaccessible to the fantasies of our mind or the brutalities of our own will. This little point of nothingness and of absolute poverty is the pure glory of God in us.
It is so to speak His name written in us, as our poverty, as our indigence, as our dependence, as our sonship. It is like a pure diamond, blazing with the invisible light of heaven. It is in everybody, and if we could see it we would see these billion points of light coming together in the face and blaze of a sun that would make all the darkness and cruelty of life vanish completely.” (Merton)
Grief is too precious to waste
What follows is a deeply personal letter I wrote some twenty-two years ago to a small group of men and women who were experiencing deep loss and grief. With just a few minor changes, it is just as relevant today as it was back then.
I would like to share a quote that I recently read, ” My experience of grief is that you can take little sips of it, like very fine wine, and let go of it”.
It is at this place I find myself, and I feel it proper to no longer have an ‘active role in the Beginning Experience ministry. I have not perfectly overcome all the hurts but I carry with me: acceptance of the past, forgiveness of myself and my ex-spouse, trust in God’s Love for me and my children, and a personal freedom to live my life in the present and love again. I am confident that when this time arrives for each of us, it is truly “the good news”.
Even though I am comfortable with this decision, leaving the team is not easy for me. I have been blessed, immeasurably, during my time in this ministry.
When I reflect back over the past two years and consider what my relationship with each of you has meant to me, and my children, I thank God, especially … for bringing each of you into my life. These past two years have been an awesome period in my life. I have grown emotionally and spiritually and it is impossible for me to think of you separate from this.
I have experienced, for the first time, a kind of intimacy that I believe only reveals itself when two of God’s people, are willing to open themselves, reach out, and share themselves and their vulnerability with each other. To me, this is agape love.
Each one of you is a very special person. Participating in this ministry requires a willingness to look within oneself with the courage to face what we find, and share it with others. It is a giving of self that is difficult. It brings us closer to our humanity and to our God. It is a personal character trait that, I believe, fulfills at least in part God’s call to each of us. I personally admire each of you.
The phone calls, personal conversations, the cards, and most especially the hugs, have kept me lifted up during the most difficult time in my life and it will always be remembered.
The fellowship, shared in small group, hold a special place in my heart. I feel an extra-special relationship with each of you. I am grateful that you gave me your trust. Your thoughts expressed in your warm fuzzies were kind. I read them from time to time. It helps me to remember you and it never fails to lift me up. Thank you.
Once when I was sick in bed with the flu, a team member took it upon herself to prepare and send me some soup. When it arrived, her act of kindness and concern touched my heart and brought a tear to my eyes. Her act reflects the good and caring person that she is. Beyond the physical nourishment of the soup, it helped me realize that I am worthy of being cared for. I would say her name, but she knows who she is. Thank You.
To the special person that I have often asked for help in critiquing my talks for the weekend, thank you for your directness, honesty, and being there when I needed you.
To the two facilitators who invited me to the team. I have foremost given my best to follow the vision of this spiritual peer ministry. Without your invitation, these last two years would have been very different for me. I came to you at a time when I was struggling with many personal doubts. You helped me see and accept something about myself that is good.
Lastly, I want to thank all the clergy who involve themselves in this ministry. Their expression of humility, love, and commitment to the Lord Jesus Christ, have been an inspiration for me.
To my brothers and sisters, It is my prayer that each of you continues to give of yourself in ministry and always be reminded that our strength and healing lie in Jesus. May the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ and the love of God and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with all of you.
A Community of Saints
We do not walk alone. Amongst us, there is a mystical community of saints, a community of souls who convoke healing by giving and receiving compassion in this valley of tears. It is a much deeper meaning of the Church. And, if you are reading this, you are in this communion.
We are body and soul and do not escape the angst of many (small) deaths throughout life. Up until our final breath, recovery remains a hard walk that requires mostly inner work of “letting go” of illusion in exchange for more profound truths. Once received and honored, one can know his or her “truest” identity to experience joy and be a source of life for others: in the divine image. I know of no other way to satisfy that longing that we all carry in our hearts.
“Nothing ever goes away until it teaches us what we need to know.” P. Chodron
I’ve reached a point where I cannot overcome that remaining 2% of angst that life has brought me. It is a place to which has no rationale or justice. In other words, the bull has finally tired and shaken me loose.
I can now join with Christ on the cross and give that remaining remnant of angst to the Supreme Source and Giver of Life for the promise of new life.
This is my path forward and the faith and hope in Jesus Christ to which I will cling.
The first time the term Christian (which literally means “Christ Ones”) was used in describing followers of Jesus Christ was in Antioch, Syria (Acts 11:26).
Prior to this time, followers of Jesus Christ were simply known as “people of the Way” (Acts 9:2, 24:14) in reference to their lifestyle, i.e., the way of life they lived. In other words, it was their lifestyle that identified them as being followers of Jesus Christ, not their words.
The featured image above, is the product of an art class assignment. The assignment was to construct a collage by cutting up various pieces of prior art that I had done for the class. I took one of my favorite artist, Norman Rockwell’s self-portrait piece as inspiration.
I’ve titled my collage “Distractions along the Way. It is a self-reflection of the spiritual journey through life. The left side represents various distractions this world offers each of us. The right side represents three stages of the spiritual life. I will offer a basic reading then conclude with thoughts pulled from other sources.
Eaten Apple – succumbing to worldly temptations
Head in a fishbowl – cannot escape the world and all it holds
Book titles/symbology – 7: Seven deadly sins, Superman: male super-ego, Licit/Illicit (Addictive) Drugs: Caffeine, Tobacco, Salt, Alcohol, Marijuana, Cocaine, LSD, etc. Dictionary/Music: ie. false words. Money: as a root of evil.
Sailor cap: join the Navy and see “the world.”
TV/Computer: the world’s reach into your home, at our fingertips.
Thought Bubble: corruptions of heart and mind (the flesh/ego)
Demon: Evil in “the world.”
Skeleton: the world’s (mis) representation of one’s true self.
Three commonly described stages of the spiritual life: Purgative, Illuminative, and Unitive.
Encircled Dove – Representative of the Triune Godhead
Icon of Christ – True Man/True God, Image of self-reference or formation
When I reflect through various choices I’ve made through life, I find both ignorant foolishness and fortunate wisdom. I suppose this is life. I leave with the words of Julian of Norwich.
“First we must fall, and then we recover from that fall – and both are the mercy of God.”
“Your God would never punish you for being a human being: this life itself is your penance, she reminds you. But it is also more than that: it is a crucible for transformation. Each trial, every loss, is an opportunity for you to meet suffering with love and make it an offering, a prayer. The minute you lift your pain like a candle, darkness vanishes and mercy comes rushing in to heal you.“
As we continue our journey “along the Way,” please accept my encouragement.
The featured image is the title page from my grandmother’s 100-year-old french prayer book titled, “L’Ange Conducteur Dans La Devotion Chretienne.”
Its title is loosely translated as “Guidance of the Angel in Christian Devotion.” The original author is Jacque Coret (1631-1721) of Liege Belgium. This particular 40th edition was likely printed during the 1920s.
My paternal grandmother preparing chicken at a family Easter BBQ (1970)
My grandmother passed in 1974 from breast cancer at 69 years of age. I was seventeen years old. We affectionately called her Mom-mom. Her prayerbook includes the full range of Catholic prayers, a few personal notations, various prayer cards, and newspaper obits.
I don’t recall ever having a religious or spiritual conversation with her. Yet, her obit says she was a member of the Saint Ann Society, Bonne Mort Society, and League of the Sacred Heart. It seems she was a prayerful woman. And like many of her generation in south Louisiana, she would have learned her Catholic faith from community and family in french.
I was brought up with the same Catholic prayers, doctrine, and dogma as my grandmother, except in English. Like my grandmother, my faith foundation was set up by family and church tradition, but times have changed. And being able to look back causes me to think about how time, language, and custom evolve our understanding and practice in matters of personal faith.
It seems that personal differences derive from man, not God. And begs the question: To what extent are our belief systems conditioned from personal biases apart from what is freely given by YWHW?
If you and I were born in a different place and time, how would our faith or relationship with God differ?
The first written forms of the Old Testament were in Hebrew. The New Testament was in Greek. And Jesus’ language was Aramaic. The bible we read today is a modern English translation. On top of all of that, it has been thousands of years since the actual events took place.
So, anything beyond one’s personal, intimate, and direct experience with the “Divine Source of Life” is a translation of some sorts. Even the gospels of the New Testament which we consider as inspired are written by (unknown) human authors with a specific intent and audience.
Back to the prayerbook: I will share a few images and translations from my grandmother’s prayer book and close with a personal reflection.
PRIERE DU MATIN (morning prayer)
Acte de Foi
Act of Faith
English Translation: Eternal and Almighty God, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, one God in three persons: I believe in you because you are infinitely good and faithful to your promises; I adore you and I love you with all my heart because you are supremely kind, and I love my neighbor as me for the love of you.
AVIS SALUTAIRES (beneficial opinions)
Sanctifier la Journee
To Sanctify the Day
At the time of your waking up so regulated, that nothing, as much as possible, is capable of disturbing it. When you wake up raise your god; pray while living there; then say your ordinary prayers, and plan for any opportunities you may have to offend God during the day, so that you may be on your guard to avoid them.
Attend to Mass with the necessary provisions to honor the holy Mysteries, and to profit from it for your salvation. Choose the prayers you should say there. The best are the ones that unite us with the Priest, or rather with Jesus Christ, who is the invisible Priest.
Give, if possible, half an hour, or a quarter of an hour to meditation on a truth of Christianity or on the Passion of Jesus Christ. Learn how to do this exercise. Perhaps the best is that given to us by healthy Francois de Sales in the second part of his introduction to the devout life, or of his Philotee. If you understand the importance of meditation, always find the time to do it, and if you do it, you will soon learn to do it easily.
Give some time to read a good book every day. Read to the presence of God who speaks to you yourself. Penetrate yourself of what you read, taste it, apply it to yourself, and ask him the graces to execute the good desires, that he inspires you by this reading, which is a kind of meditation, and takes the place of a sermon when you can’t attend.
Raise your Heart to God at the beginning of each action, offer it to him and make frequent and familiar use of the prayers which are short aspirations or affectionate impulses that bring to God: Lord, I hope in you … I love you with all my heart … Forgive me my God, the fault that I have just committed. Saint Francois de Sales, that these aspirations support in the absence of all other orations, and that all the others do not supersede the defect of these. They can be done anytime, anywhere, and in the midst of bigger occupations.
PRIERE DU SOIR (evening prayer)
Metton-nous en la presence de Dieu, et adorons-le
Let us put ourselves in the presence of God and worship him.
English Translation: My God, I appear before you, at the end of this day, to adore you through Jesus Christ your very dear Son, and to thank you in his name for all the graces I have received from you.
My God, sovereign judge of men, who, by infinite mercy, does not want the sinner to perish, but that he avoids by penance your fearful judgments; I humbly present myself to you, to give you an account of this day. Give me, Lord, the lights don’t I need to know my faults, and the pain necessary to hate them well.
Societe de l’ANGE-GARDIEN
“Je suis la resurrection et la vie”
Funeral card of my grandmother’s brother, Weston Clause, and his obit glued to the back cover of her prayer book. She was 25 when he died from meningitis. My father was born a year later and was given his late uncle’s namesake. Below the obit, she noted her step-grandmother’s death.
Personal Reflection
“We have not received the spirit of the world but the Spirit that is from God, so that we may understand the things freely given us by God.” (1 Corinthians 2:12)
My grandmother’s prayerbook contains nearly 500 pages and over 40,000 words of someone else’s thoughts. May God bless them.
I am grateful for the faith formation by my parents and grandparents. It gave me a foundation and starting point. All was proper for the moment but I am no longer a child.
Trust in God, “as the source of all that is life,” – is to be lived in the present.
If one accepts a faith of redemption and grace, the divine relationship is to be lived in its present moment, not in the past nor the future. There is no need to build bigger barns to keep past thoughts, words, or actions.
Only gratitude and surrender required.
“The truth of the matter is that God is speaking to us all the time in all the circumstances of life. Every work that we undertake, every experience we undergo, every encounter and relationship we are involved in is a manifestation of God; revealing something of Creator and creation, speaking out of its own depths, in all of them.” (Cyprian Smith, OSB)
Today, my prayer is less vocal so that I may listen more intently to “things freely given.” Because of it there has been a reordering of my relationship with God, the larger Body of Christ, and with myself. This “free gift” requires willingness and readiness to receive. And a desire for change not “outside of self,” but within.
No words can adequately describe the personal encounter in the soul. It is the most private place of intimacy with our Beloved. The most I could do is a poetic reflection titled “Centering,” found under the tab “Conjectures.”
I held no expectation when I thought of writing to God each day during Lent. And to be honest, I had doubts I would follow through knowing reality has its way of negating my romantic ideas.
As it played out, I did not miss a day. Perhaps it had something to do with the isolation and slowing down of life brought on by the coronavirus shutdown.
When sitting for morning prayer, I would pick up my artist sketchbook and jot down whatever thoughts and feelings of the moment. Sometimes I would add a sketch for practice. It became a segue into my practice of Centering Prayer.
This blog picks up from an earlier blog titled “Writing to God – Part 1.” It continues on day 21 of this Lenten season through Easter Sunday.
“Did God really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden’?”
Day 21 – Quiet Tuesday, my day to fast from the distractions of TV and music. May I fully appreciate the quiet. Help me Lord, to better recognize the madness of my inner noise and that of other men.
Day 22 – This sense of alone-ness and limiting interactions with the outside world and its activities is a timely imposition. I ask that it not be wasted. Allow it to form me in a new manner of living and seeing things.
Day 23 – Listening to the beautiful birdsongs this morning: Saw more neighbors out this morning. Wonderful to see. May this slowdown and less outside distraction afford me the peace to become more aware of your presence and love for me, and others.
Day 24 – Yesterday was a hilarious day watching and playing with the band of squirrel marauders finding ways to feed at the bird feeders. Today was a sleepy day. Beyond cooking, taking my walk, I couldn’t get going. I do like these simple days. Thank you.
Day 25 – Had a good long talk with my brother. It was due, and I am grateful. These past few nights have been restless for some reason. I don’t know why my body does not comfortably relax. Thank you for the silence, my Beloved. Help me to adjust and fall in love with it, especially at night.
Day 26 – I wake this day with a dose of eagerness to what fun and enjoyment lie ahead. Not sure what I would like to do first, after my coffee, of course. Now I sit quietly in your Presence that my soul may fly to you.
Day 27 – My thought stream is not Absolute or Reality. My experience with Centering Prayer has shown my stream of thoughts never stop flowing, and that I can at least be aware and break it, if for just a moment. It is where I sense your Presence most deeply.
Day 28 – I woke from a dream where I was homeless and lost in an unfamiliar area of town. I meandered through my days and nights with a shopping cart of belongings. To survive, I had to give my stuff away to ward off predators. I suppose the dream was because of tv movie I had watched two nights ago.
Day 29 – A beautiful morning: My mind is so full of ideas for my day. I get to play with creativity and spirit. I am at a new place in life that I am only beginning to experience new freedom – keep me in your Presence.
Day 30 – Woke from another dream: I was brought to a trailer house that was in the middle of a barnyard full of cows and pigs. And there were two dogs inside. It just did not make sense. King of my heart, may I remain fully awake to your holy Presence in both the silence and the noise of this day.
Day 31 – Yesterday was a blur: It seems I had more I wanted to do than time. I stayed home all day. Being bored or being too busy is not my favorite – Help me Lord to find the middle space today – and to find you there.
Day 32 – I am struggling with the hypocrisy of this world. Help me to see my hypocrisy. Help my will to move into your image.
Day 33 – I am grateful for the creative spirit within me. I believe it is your divine reflection in me and gift. Help me channel it so that it does not distract from your presence and care for my soul.
Day 34 – I woke from a dream where I accepted a job from the city mayor. Glad I woke. There seems to someone’s rooster on the loose in the subdivision – crowing big time. It brings me back to a not too happy moment from my past – my inner spirit is tense and not at peace. Help me in this moment of (dis) ease.
Day 35 – The thought of my prayer life has been on my mind since yesterday. I cannot imagine my life with speaking, thinking, and quieting my mind in the hopes of listening to You. Yet, I am still unsure of what prayer is. I desire you as my Beloved.
Day 36 – I am grateful for the early morning visit by the two cardinals outside my window. And on my morning walk, the woodpecker and the red-wing blackbirds. Although, someone dumping their crawfish shells, beer bottles, and trash along my walking route upset me. I pray for your Spirit, enkindle in them the fire of your Love for themselves, and others. And Lord, help me too.
Day 37 – Thank you for the inspiration of moving my bird feeders closer to my house. It has been a gift of your natural world, and I believe a fruit from having seen this done by some friends when I had made an impromptu visit some months back.
Day 38 – My waking thought this morning was the thought and decision to distance myself from hurtful relationships. I no longer need the reminders that their emails, nor do I want its emotional consequence. Today was a good day since I was able to resolve this issue in my life.
Day 39 – I surely miss my kids and grandkids during this virus shutdown. This morning was a struggle to silence my thoughts in prayer.
Beginning Holy Week
Saturday, Day 40 – Lord, my meditation will be your time spent with Mary, Martha, Lazarus, and disciples in upon your arrival in Bethany.
Evening celebration, Mary anoints Jesus (John 12:28; Matt 26:6:13)
Palm Sunday, Day 41 – I can be so mentally engaged when I am problem-solving and creative arts. It can often drown out the outside world. On this day, help me Lord to do something good for others. Hossana!
Jesus enters Jerusalem (Matt 21:1-11; Mark 11:1-10; John 12:12-28)
Holy Monday, Day 44 – Lord, let the passing of each day allow for, at least, one moment of grace and gratitude. May today and each day be fruitful.
Holy Tuesday, Day 45 – Today, a day of household quiet, no TV, no music, no unnecessary noise. Simple home-grown solitude. Keep my yearning so that I may always return to you. I need silence and solitude today.
Cursing fig tree (Matt 21:18-22; Mark 11:12-14)
Holy Wednesday, Day 46 – Not much to write this morning. Lord, help me remain faithful to you and myself.
Judas arranges betrayal (Matt 26:14-16; Mark 14:10-11)
Holy Thursday, Day 47 – Why is it that my first thoughts from waking this morning are about those who have harmed me. Help me Lord, to forgive and heal.
Passover meal (Matt 26:20-35; Mark 14:17-26)
Good Friday, Day 48 – Just an angry dream last night, and I do not know why??? I am just not so sure of the meaning of things anymore, and I am not so sure that is such a bad thing??? Help me Lord, to know and accept my frailties.
Betrayal, trial, cruxification (Matt, Mark, Luke, and John)
Holy Saturday, Day 49 – Waking up extra early this morning is lovely. The silence at 3 am is cherished time: a unique sense of stillness. It is a gift.
Easter Sunday, Day 50 – As I walked out the house this morning, hearing all the songbirds in their usual symphony: they have not thought of it being Sunday, or Easter Sunday, or any other day on the calendar. Why is it important to humans??? These are just human-made concepts. Consider what makes today any different than yesterday to the birds???
Or how bout those tree frogs who began their croaking only when it started to drizzle. I wondered whether I was going to get soaked. To the tree frogs, it was “Alleluia!”
Ps. Since the coronavirus lockdown, my drawing class has moved from the university studio to our homes. We were learning how to draw the human figure from live models. I live alone, so the approach has been to sketch myself by staring at a reflection in the mirror. I have produced several hilarious caricatures of myself, which evokes a bit of whimsical humility.
I hope to never take myself too seriously, especially regarding things that matter little in life. So, I end this very personal diary of my lenten season with one of my self “poor-traits.”
When I showed this image to my mom, she said it looks like her dad. Since my physical looks favor her dad, hairstyle and all, I guess those drawing classes are doing some good after all.
Each morning walk is a unique experience of creation’s grandeur and man’s place in it. Offering a Mary and Martha moment of both action and contemplation.
My walks have evolved from physical exercise to a sacred ritual. As I put on my walking shoes, I feel the anticipation of what I will hear and see. Every walk seems different. The route has barking dogs, billy goats, bullfrogs, horses, donkeys, majestic oaks, pecan trees, open pasture, and many many birds.
Soon after beginning this morning’s walk, I hear the tap-tap-tap of a woodpecker and it automatically pulls my head out of deep and distracted thought and unawares.
I stop for a moment to gaze at this beautiful bird tapping atop a power pole and think. Yes! I am now awake, thank you. I begin to listen and appreciate the natural symphony all around me. I continue walking.
50 steps further, someone has dumped what remained of their 10 lb. “to-go” order of boiled crawfish, along with their empty beer bottles and Coca Cola. With resentment, I think, “I can’t believe this!” I am once again emotionally and spiritually distracted by man’s social (dis)ease and (dis)regard. I continue walking.
As I turn the corner there is a single red-wing blackbird perched atop the power line chirping away. Seemingly unafraid to my walking underneath. I soon hear and see more.
These red wing blackbirds bring me back to a distant memory of being with my Dad as a 10 year old when he took me with him to visit some rice farmers. It was a cold winter morning and the flocks of blackbirds in the fields were magical.
It’s been two years since daily walks have become a part of my morning ritual. I learn much from these walks. Sometimes I even sing. Thinking of St Francis and his preaching to the animals. But mostly, I am listening. The symphony of blackbirds, cardinals, blue jays, crows, robins, sparrows, egrets, purple martins, and the doves seem to change throughout each seasons of the year.
Even the hawks and buzzards majestically circulating high above in the air currents cause me to gaze upward. I do believe there is somethings to learned by watching them. And it is hard not to believe there is a language being communicated and understood by the birds themselves.
I often wonder about the many birds of my youth that were plentiful but no longer: the meadowlarks, cedar-wax wings, quail, and kildee’s. Some say the absence of these birds are due to herbicides, pesticides and fire ants which is highly probable. Although, I can take blame knowing I have killed many birds as an eager young boy with a pellet gun: my part in man’s (dis)ease.
Yet, even in this sacred exercise of daily walks, there is a uncomfortable reality: man’s production, consumption, and then willfully discarding of garbage roadside. This roadside garbage is simply visual evidence of man’s (dis)ease and (dis)regard in the world: beer, soda pop, energy drink cans, liquor bottles, fast food garbage, dirty diapers, plastics, and crawfish heads. It is everywhere and we hardly seem to care much.
I decided a couple of months ago that I would bring a trash bag, on occasion, and pick up the litter. No big deal, I was already walking the route. On my first attempt I filled my household dumpster. I have since walked with trash bag in hand about a half dozen times. I think (jokingly) that all I need to do now is wear a prison jumpsuit and wait for the community gossip to come back around. This simple act is good and it did require me to swallow some pride.
One can learn much about people by their garbage.
But it also challenges me spiritually. This is a dead-end road, so most of the littering is likely done by residents who live on the road.
I now find myself in a spiritual paradox where a good act can lead to sin (if I allow it). My ego attempts to build a mental construct that because I do a “good” deed – I am a good person (proud and self-righteousness). This then leads me to be resentful when I see fresh litter. My thoughts of the people who live down the road are (now) filled with suspicion and prejudice.
The littering will not stop, so I decided when I see litter along my walk, instead of swelling resentment, I would pray for those individuals that they may grow in gratefulness for the gift of creation. Now, whether this prayer affects them, I cannot say. What I can hope for is that my prayer affects me. And if it does that – it is miracle enough.
This morning, after seeing that dump of crawfish heads – praying for those individuals took some “extra” doing.
My heart and soul still has a way to go, …I continue walking
Lord, teach us to be faithful in seeking the common good, and that your light may shine on the whole human family. Help us to remain faithful to a sacred way of life and guide us to the inheritance that you have promised.
“Spin me in circles, Holy Spirit, and set my feet on a new path.”
R. Hackenberg
At the beginning of this Lenten season, I spent a few quiet days at a small nearby Benedictine monastery. I was able to pray the Office with the monks at morning, noon, and evening. I was also able to finish a book titled, “The Way of Paradox: Spiritual life as taught by Meister Eckhart; a 13th century German Domincan.
As part of my lenten practice, I decided to write to God each day. Now at midpoint through these 40 days, I have decided to share my side of the conversation:
Day 1 Feb 26 (Ash Wednesday) – When I read of evildoers and their ways in the Psalms, I think of those who have harmed me. It has become an easy and empty hook which I cannot shake. I want to let it go. I call upon you, my Beloved to release and heal me from this and strengthen me for the walk ahead.
Day 2 – I am wakened with the gifted thought “to give authority only to Love – in my life and through my life. Help me to see where I waste my time, my energy, my thoughts. My soul in stillness waits.
Day 3 – Yesterday, I learned of another elderly family member had passed. When I was young he was the elder. Now my generation is of the elder and have come to realize that I know and understand very little of this life. It is still a puzzle. And I desire your Spirit to release any remnants of resentment to those who have harmed me.
Day 4 – I am beginning to see the roots of my sarcastic sense of humor. The holding on to past hurts, (mis)judgments and arrogance. I am getting older and can sense its weight. Maybe you are showing me how/ or what I must do “to lift my soul” to you. I ask for help, I cannot do it alone.
Day 5 – I remember reading in Eckhart’s teaching that people do what they do, particularly the destructive things, because they are “not” God. Which says to me that I should not put people any better than who they truly are. In other words, not idolize them. My thoughts of them is not their truth.
Day 6 – I am so thankful for the gift of children and
grandchildren: as my time with them yesterday was a lift of my soul. Beloved,
protect them and gift them with a mind and spirit that recognizes you, as the
source of blessings and all things good.
Day 7 – As I go out into the world today – open and relax my
encounters. May it be a celebration of “human-ness.”
Day 8 – Yesterday had its weirdness. A bit of inquiry into the past. Lord, I trust that you will guide me and bring my life anew, daily – through your Spirit.
Day 9 – Waking up this morning from a dream, wondering “where did that come from?” In the dream, I was asked by a group of strangers “How would you summarize Jesus’ teaching?” I began fumbling with my written papers looking for an answer. In my panic to give an answer, I dropped everything scattering on the floor a big mess. I was in full anxiety mode searching for the paper which had my answer. Once I gave up, it came to me: the summary message of Christ is to love – that is it in a nutshell. Then I awoke. Lord, let that be my reflection today.
Day 10 – Lord, keep me in your presence this day. Keep me
open and awake to receive your love from others and to give your love through
self. I am grateful to be gifted with a greater awareness of how my thought
streams keep me distracted and consumed. It is you who sets me free from the hunter’s
snare.
Day 11 – Guide me this day to be your gift – help me to hear today’s sweet melody of morningbird and know/ trust that it is from you.
Day 12 – Lord, today I have no plans to go anywhere, but to appreciate the life and freedom that you offer me. I can realize that you are working within me still.
Now at day’s end: O my Lord, today you offered me freedom, silence, solitude and I only returned back to you a glass half-full.
Day 13 – Lord, may those lingering remnants of resentment,
incredulity, painful emotions, and questions that have no answers – be like
butterflies, or better yet moths: they land when they must, to rest, to gnaw –
but fly away they must.
Day 14 – There seems to come a sense of gift, not everyday
but most. There is movement in my mind, body, and soul. Certainly, I sense it.
My diminishing body – I am ok with that. My mind is doing its diminishing act
as well: it is what it is. But it is my spirit, my soul, on its path of
detachment, that is most alive. It is a fresh exploration.
Day 15 – This morning a visit with friends over coffee and cake. Let it be more than co-miseration, rather: a life-giving moment.
Day 16 – I open the door to feel the weather. What I hear in my right ear is the jet engine roar of the morning rush hour traffic heading to work at breakneck speed. Mixed with this, my left ear hears the cacophony of morning birds welcoming the spring. Help me Lord to value the gift of freedom, your presence in this day, and to choose to be one with you.
Day 17 – To you Lord, I lift up my soul, my God in you I
trust. Guide me to lift my soul higher and trust you more deeply – Amen
Day 18 – Lord, I am confused about this world. I always thought I had some sense of it. I don’t understand it anymore. I don’t think I ever did. Only thought I did. Is this the Wisdom of a dying ego? Is feeling lost an uncomfortable, but proper disposition for the spiritual path towards you?
Day 19 – It is an interesting social commentary that in this Lenten time of prayer, self-giving, and fasting we witness the social anxiety of anxiety, fear, hoarding, stockpiling of food/liquor, and above all else toilet paper. There seems to be a contradiction of truth to the depths of our professed faith and culture.
Day 20 – A quiet Monday – Can stay in my pajamas all day if
I choose: now that is a blessed freedom. With all this pandemic anxiety – may your
presence be my light today.
ps. Be blessed by solitude and the prayers of your pen!
The above image was taken on a recent retreat at St. Benedict Abbey. I was with a group of 20 retreatants being led on a walking tour of the back property. When I noticed the above scene, I stopped to gaze in utter amazement. Everyone else kept walking.
Underlying this scene is a testament to both human (natural) and divine (supernatural). I wondered who was the last person to open this gate and why. And why, for however many years, it no longer needed to be closed. This inanimate, man-made object expired its functional purpose as a gate. And yet a simple tree without apparent mind or spirit did not stop growing, maturing, and fulfilling its God-given purpose?
And if it be that way for a simple tree, how much more should it be for a child of the Beloved?
ps. Does this simple image conjure thought in your mind or spirit of divine mystery and our (human) interaction upon it? If so, consider writing and sharing a comment to this blog.
What follows (below) are two artistic images and a spiritual reflection of my dependence and gratitude to my Beloved. It is keyed by two inspirations that came to me late last year; “Freedom” and “Wait.” In each, I believe, there is a “gift” of new life to explore and discover.
++++++++++++++++++++++
In the morning, when I rise, …
I know not how to lift my soul to you.
So I sit in silence and wait, distracted by floating images. One by one not knowing where they come, or why. I catch myself sinking and shoulders tense. So, I lift my head and return to you my Beloved, if only for a moment.
You’ve shared breath for this day.
_______________________________________
My search is over…
Time to quit chasing mysteries that cannot be solved. Listening to the morningbird, was grace aplenty.
I return to sit once again in silence, distracted by floating images one by one. I catch myself sinking and my shoulders tense. So, I lift my head and return to you my Beloved, if only for a moment.
“O send forth your light and your truth; let these be my guide. Let them bring me to your holy mountain to the place where you dwell.” (Ps43)
“Everyone has to put down some part of their past sometime. Everyone makes a major life change at some time or other. Everyone has to be open to being formed again.
The only thing that can possibly deter the new formation is if we ourselves refuse to let go of what was. If we cling to the past, the future is closed to us.”
Joan Chittister, O.S.B.
2018 was a year of upheaval. I had devoted years of time, talent, treasure, “heart and soul” in forming a married and ministerial framework for the remainder of life. In three days, it all came apart. I had no cause or control.
The face of my world had changed revealing the life I had envisioned was an illusion. The one thing I did know was that the path ahead was going to be full of grief, deconstruction, and ongoing (re)formation.
What this upheaval did not change is the core essence of my being and spiritual motive: To seek God’s presence in all things. Discernment and obedience to God’s Spirit and Word for my life. The gift of Love and joy that I experience with my children, grandchildren, and close friends. My openness, honesty, creativity, hospitality, and heart of service.
The artwork in this blog focuses on the process of lithography (metal plate etching) and Benedictine spirituality based in monastic life and the Contemplative (Wisdom) traditions.
The images that follows are from one of the projects we had to do in our printmaking class. I have interwoven text exclusively from Joan Chittister, O.S.B. from her commentary on the Rule of Benedict (see book recommendations).
Benedict of Nursia
Benedict of Nursia was born in the year 480. As a student in Rome, he tired of the decadent culture around him and left it to live a simple life as a hermit in the countryside of Subiaco, about thirty miles away. It wasn’t long, however, before he was discovered both by the people of the area and disciples who where themselves looking for a more meaningful way of life.
Out of these associations sprang the monastic life that would eventually cover Europe. We do not know much more than that about the life of Benedict of Nursia but we know enough about the history of the times to know in what ways his Rule departed from it, gave the world fresh eyes and called people to live life with a new heart.
Begins with a pencil sketch on newsprint
The Rule of Benedict
The Rule of Benedict is a spiritual guide, rare by virtue of its ancient origins, valued for its continuing meaningfulness in every century since. It is not historical literature, it is wisdom literature. It endures precisely because it is not the history of a particular people, it is not the codification of the ethical mores of a single culture, it is not the teachings of science, it is not, in fact, devoted to the presentation of any particular body of knowledge. Wisdom literature takes as its subject matter the meaning and manner of achieving the well-lived life. It deals with the spiritual, the ascetic, the Divine, and the nature of virtue. Its concerns lie in the meaning of holiness and the fundaments of happiness. Wisdom literature is common to every great tradition. It lifts the spiritual life from the legal to the mystical, from theology to spirituality, from a study of the nature of religion to the depths of the personal spiritual life.
Aluminum plate is covered with a thin layer of tar-like asphaltum. Image is then transferred and etched with a sharp pointed tool. Note: All the etching is in reverse.
The Rule of Benedict brings a new respect for the seasons of life, community, and stewardship of the world.
The Rule of Benedict requires the development of a kind of humility that makes none of us subject to the whims of the rest of us. To a world where people work for money, the Rule of Benedict requires that we work to continue the will of God for all people. The Rule of Benedict provides a sense of contemplation, the fruits of which enable us to see the world as God sees the world.
Prologue to the Rule
What is it then, that the Rule of Benedict says to the sixth century that gives it not only the right but the need to be heard by the twenty-first century as well? The Rule of Benedict is not concerned with a single time and place, a single view of church, a single set of devotions or a single ministry. The Rule of Benedict is concerned with life: what it’s about, what it demands, how to live it. And it has not failed a single generation.
Etching plate is on the press and loaded with ink. The ink fills the etchings (crevices), wet paper is applied on top of plate and moved through the etching rollers with a great pressure that forces the wet paper down into the crevices to absorb the ink..
The Prologue to the rule is its cornerstone and its gauntlet. Read this, the rule says, and if this is not what you’re about, do not read on. Below is the first paragraph of the Prologue.
Listen carefully, my child, to my instructions, and attend to them with the ear of your heart. This is advice from the one who loves you; welcome it and faithfully put it into practice. The labor of obedience will bring you back to God from whom you had drifted through the sloth of disobedience. This message of mine is for you, then, if you are ready to give up your own will, once and for all, and armed with the strong and noble weapons of obedience to do battle for Jesus, the Christ.
Results are proofed, etching is further developed, acid washes are incorporated, additional proofs are done until satisfaction. Next step is edition.
The first word from the Prologue of the Rule of Benedict is “Listen.” Pay attention to the instructions of this Rule and attend to the important things in life. Let nothing go by without being open to being nourished by the inner meaning of that event in life. There is an Oriental proverb that teaches, “Take from death before it takes from thee.” If we do not live life consciously, in other words, we may not be living at all. The Prologue is asking us to do the same.
One part of spirituality, then is learning to be aware of what is going on around us and allowing ourselves to feel its effects. If we live in an environment of corporate greed or personal violence, we can’t grow from it spiritually until we allow ourselves to recognize it.
The other part of spirituality, the Prologue makes quite clear, is learning to hear what God wants in any given situation and being quick to respond to that, to “welcome it and faithfully put it into practice.” To see the greed or sense the violence without asking what the Gospel expects in such a situation is not spirituality. It is a (false) piety at best.
Last steps is to edition the desired number of copies. In this case there were 6 signed editions. Instead of white paper, I chose to use a brownish paper to effect some visual sense of antiquity.
Most important of all, perhaps, is the Prologue’s insistence that this Rule is not being written by a spiritual taskmaster who will bully us or beat us down in a counterfeit claim to growing us up but by someone who loves us and will, if we allow it, carry us along to fullness of life. It is an announcement of profound importance. No one grows by simply doing what someone else forces us to do. We begin to grow when we finally want to grow. All the rigid fathers and demanding mothers and disapproving teachers (and institutions) in the world cannot make up for our own decision to become what we can by doing what we must.
At the same time, Benedict is setting out the importance of not allowing ourselves to become our own guides, or own gods. Obedience, Benedict says, – the willingness to listen to the voice of God in life – is what will wrench us out of the limitations of our own landscape. We are being called to something outside of ourselves, something greater than ourselves, something beyond ourselves. We will need someone to show us the way: the Christ, a loving spiritual model, this Rule.
On a personal note: The spiritual life is not about putting God in our lives. God is already there. Each moment of our lives is an invitation to hear the Beloved and participate in this God-life already at work in us. To love ourselves as God loves us is a daily task. There is no shame that can be on us by others, or ourselves that we do not allow. I am willing to take God’s love for me as absolute and my “true” identity and promise in Christ. It is when we forget our God-given identity we get ourselves in trouble. When we do, our only response is to reaffirm our desire to (re)form once again. This is our daily task of conversion and journey back to the Beloved.
To seek God in all things, opens our vision to find God where we could not see God before, not as a cheap release from the problems of life, but as a deeper dependence and measure of life’s meaning for us.
Our Beloved is a “life-giver” and never a destroyer. This is a most simple benchmark of discerning God-will in our life. If we hold on during our darkest moments, with faith and hope, we will come to experience first-hand that life’s upheavals do not destroy us. As we make passage we will not only encounter a “new breath” of life after our human bodies expire but also in the present.
ps. I began this blog some 18 months ago for several reasons but primarily to remain open to the world community.
To those who follow this blog, you are always welcome to offer a personal comment. If you rather discuss anything with me directly, feel free to email:dcnguyk@gmail.com
