2019 -

Peter’s facade

A facade (ie false face) is a form of personality change that is performed to fulfill a particular emotion you wish to portray. When people put up facades, they are acting on the outside differently than how they are feeling on the inside.

Let’s consider the proclamation of the Apostle Peter, his relationship with Jesus and brother disciples at Caeserea Philipi (Matthew 16:13-20, Mark 8:27–30 and Luke 9:18–20).

“You are the Christ, the Son of the living God.”

Below is a historical rendering of Caeserea Philippi during Jesus’ time. It is where Jesus ask Peter and others, “Who do you say that I am?” It is located in northern Galilee at the headwaters of the Jordan. It was a historical place of worship to the pagan deity Baal, then to the Greek god Pan, and then to Caesar.

Below is a *recent photo of the same location during my trip to the Holy Land. The dark cave opening at center left was thought of as the entrance to the netherworld.*

Regardless of how one feels about Scripture, we can find our personal and collective humanity in it. And if we choose, there is Wisdom to be drawn.

After leaving Caesarea Philippi they head south to Jerusalem for Passover. Again, on the day before Jesus’ death – Peter reaffirms who Jesus was to him, and declares his loyalty, “Even though I must die with you, I will not deny you.” And so said all the disciples (Matt 26:35)

Peter maybe fooled himself, and his brotherhood but not Jesus. In the courtyard Peter is held to account, he rejects Jesus, even curses and swears an oath, …and the cock crows

In all our abstract religiosity and idealistic sensibilities, it is not always easy to think of Peter (and Jesus) every bit human as you and I. Yet in this biblical episode of Jesus, Peter and the disciples there is a microcosm of our own personal and institutional character, …that willfully says one thing but does the opposite. Often in darkness and harmful to those we say we love.

Ten years ago, my corporate employer of 22 years decided to eliminate and outsource 25% of the company jobs. I was 1 of 1000 people to be severed from employment. The day after getting the news, the local boss comes to my office to show compassion and regret. He said that he would certainly give me a positive referral in my application for a new job. We shook hands as he left my office. He always presented himself as an honest, churchgoing, bible believing Christian. He even kept an open bible on his office credenza (something I would not have had the courage to do). Through 22 years, I had never seen anything to disbelieve his word.

Shortly after, another job position opened in the local office and I applied. It was essentially the same job I held for the first 12 years of my employment. In the interview, I was asked “What do you feel were some of your major accomplishments?” Three of the four interviewers knew me personally and of my accomplishments. I felt a bit foolish in verbalizing what were by company standards, a half-dozen well noted technical and leadership accomplishments including one project that earned the highest corporate award the “Chairman’s Award.” Besides, they were listed on my interview resume.

Rather, I replied that I felt that my biggest accomplishment was hiring good and talented people who contributed much to the success of the company. This was sincere. But it was not what I felt was my highest accomplishment which for me was not patronizing corporate egos nor subordinating my integrity for personal or social benefit.

The interview panel recommended me for the open position including the manager I would have worked under. I did not get the job. They were over-ruled by the very same man who with a straight face sat in front of me, promised a positive job referral and sealed it with his handshake. It was confirmed as a political hack and the “dirty deed” was disguised and hidden in the dark.

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It is a hard lesson when one’s trust in another person (or one’s illusion of future life) is broken. There is a loss. And a time for deep grief, …to accept and feel the pangs of betrayal and its grief: which is best when sipped like fine wine. There is a passage to make, but it is just that: a “passage” not a destination. We are to keep walking our journey to the Beloved albeit with greater clarity of Truth. It is in these events of suffering, death, and resurrection that I am most easily convicted to the path of life-giving demonstrated in Jesus Christ and his gospel. It is my chosen journey of faith in the Beloved where there is life after death, even the little deaths we face in our earthly life. I have experienced it many times and it is available for all who choose their heart and eyes to see it.

And when one proclaims to know Christ, there is an obligation to follow truth and justice in his example and teachings. And knowing that we all fail throughout life, let’s go back to Peter and Jesus in the courtyard. There is a point in Luke’s account after Peter’s third denial when Peter says, “Man, I do not know what you are talking about!” he curses and swears and oath!

Then the cock crows and “The Lord turned and looked at Peter (Lk 22:60).

Now imagine yourself in the scene, …what thoughts and human emotions would you see communicated on Jesus face? And Peter’s face?

*The Denial of Peter* by Carl Heinrich Bloch

In Jesus, I see and feel deep anguish of being betrayed and abandoned by someone he deeply loved. In Peter, the felt sense of shame. There is a sense of human broken-ness.

This is the interior place of my “unresolved” emotions and thought. I often wonder if those persons who have acted in such a way as to cause harm to my person ever reflect on their actions. I imagine a dialogue with them to ask, Why? Not so much to forgive but to understand. And perhaps a sort of acknowledgment. I am sure this moment will not happen in reality. At least not in this lifetime.

The only glimmer of understanding I can bring to it is that when we harm others, it is sourced from our woundedness – and we are all wounded in some way. It is the way of the world. Psychology tells us that when we fail to acknowledge our own pain and woundedness we are blind to it and most easily project it onto others. I believe this a universal truth of our broken humanity and part of the world we live – for which I am also complicit.

When I pray the Lord’s prayer there is the part “and forgive us our trespass” that I personalize to “and forgive my trespass.” It is my way to acknowledge and pray for those whom I have harmed through my own faults and to which I am blind and not yet acknowledged. I pray for “their” strength to forgive me since they may never hear my sorrow or see my reparation for the harm I have caused to their person.

At this point in the biblical narrative, Peter’s story is unfinished. We see in Peter an aspect of divine therapy for healing: and act of acknowledgement and sorrow.

Then Peter remembered what Jesus had said: Before the cock crows, you will deny me three times. And he (Peter) went out and wept bitterly

Jesus does not abandon Peter to himself, or to the netherworld. We read in John 21 that after Jesus’ death on the cross the disciples return to Galilee and they go out at night to fish. At daybreak, Jesus stood on the beach and called them in. After breakfast, Jesus repeatedly asked of Simon Peter,

“Simon son of John, do you love me?” Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him three times. He said, “Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you.” Jesus said, “Feed my sheep.“

And there we hear the ongoing penance for you, me and the church:

“If you love me, feed my sheep!”

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ps. My own art, featured at the top of this blog, is simple but full of symbolism. It was crafted somewhat by accident but after it was done, I immediately connected with it. In religious tradition, the rooster is most symbolic to Peter’s denial.

The historical legend is that Pope Nicholas (in the 9th century) decreed that all churches must display the rooster on their steeples or domes as a symbol of Peter’s betrayal of Jesus. Many Catholic churches especially in France and other locales with Francophone connections have a rooster atop the church steeple. Including our local cathedral.

Reflection question: Do you find yourself having to put on a mask (ie. false face) before God or before other people? How influenced are you by your false self (the ego self that we often identify with that is in constant need of approval and affirmation and is motivated by these needs?

Never Alone

How much time each day do you consciously set aside your thinking brain, emotions, busi-ness and consciously consent to God’s inward presence and action?

An ancient story tells: Once upon a time, the master had a visitor who came to inquire about Zen. But instead of listening, the visitor kept talking about his own concerns and giving his own thoughts.

After a while, the master served tea. He poured tea into his visitor’s cup until it was full and then he kept on pouring.

Finally, the visitor could not bear it any longer. “Don’t you see that my cup is full?” he said. “It’s not possible to get anymore in.”

“Just so,” the master said, stopping at last. “And like this cup, you are filled in your own ideas. How can you expect me to give you Zen unless you first empty your cup?”

The story urges me to reflect, “Why am I always trying to fill my cup, … in seeking to experience what I have not yet experienced, to travel the road I have not yet traveled, or gain the next bit of knowledge that I do not yet seem to possess?

Not to say any of it is bad but that’s not the point: If my life is always about doing and filling the voids, where is the God-space in my day and being? When and where is my “spirit and soul” offered in silence and dependency?

To you, O Lord, I lift up my soul, my God, in you I trust …for you are God my savior, for you I wait all the day long.

In previous blogs I mentioned Centering Prayer. I have found it to be a prayerful form of interior silence that consents and acknowledges God’s inward presence and action. Centering Prayer did not replace any prior practice of sacred reading (lectio divina), conversational prayers (public or private). It simply added to my spiritual practices and better yet, fulfilled something that was missing.

We know we cannot earn God’s Love, Mercy, and Salvation but many spiritual practices still dominate this idea that we have to be “doing” something to connect with God-life within us. We act as though we either have to be thinking about God, voicing prayers, be associated with the “right” group and doing good deeds, etc. In other words, we have to “do” something to earn good graces in order to be close to God.

I believe this flows from the conditioning of our society. We are told (often from childhood) that to be successful and happy we must produce and of course consume. This may serve the ongoing economic cycle of a consumer society but in the spiritual realm we cannot do anything to receive God’s love, mercy, and salvation. It begs the question, “at what point in our prayer/ life do we turn off the mental and psychological switch of “doing” to encounter what we cannot earn by our doing?”

When somebody says “Let’s pray,” it almost automatically means we must engage our minds and tongues to action. Not so much our silence for listening to what God says. It is as though the act of prayer is solely up to our doing rather than the Beloved. There is a great (un) conditioning required if we are to fully encounter the fullness of “God-life” within us. Centering Prayer positions me to turn off that programmed “switch” of doing (ie. thinking, feeling, saying, etc). And it is not an easy thing to set aside: the preoccupations of my anxieties and wandering imaginations. In fact, it seems that it only happens in very, very brief moments.

Centering Prayer is simple but also a most difficult form of prayer. It is different than conventional meditation but similar in the sense of setting in a quiet space for a time period (twice a day). When mental thought or imaginations arise (and it will) never repress it but rather allow it to float like a boat downriver. And when (not if) you catch yourself hooked on a mental thought, the practice employs returning to one’s “sacred word” as a way of letting thought go and renewing your intention to consent to God’s inward presence. I usually have to repeat my sacred word a dozen times within a 15 minute prayer period. I am always having to “let go” returning to consent.

There is not much more to Centering Prayer than positioning one’s whole self for “God to do what God does.” If you wish to gain a better understanding, I have listed Fr. Thomas Keating book titled, “Open Minds, Open Hearts,” in the book recommendations.

The featured image (above) is a derivative of a very famous 15th century icon by Andrei Rublev.

Rublev’s orginal (below) depicts the three angels who visited Abraham at the Oak of Mamre (Genesis 18:1–8). It is best known as the “Hospitality of Abraham.” In the biblical story, Abraham and Sarah welcomed divine nature into their house and fed them. Blessings followed.

My rendition symbolizes my alone-ness in the presence of my Beloved. I live in faith that God’s presence is available at every moment. This is Grace freely offered in totality, but I am to consent to it in order to receive its fullness. Centering prayer is a way of saying, “Here I am.”

Welcoming and being hospitable to God’s inward presence is an apt metaphor for Centering Prayer

We all experience harsh and difficult moments of rejection and loss which by default create deep voids in our life. We can succumb to its darkness or seek the gift of Holy Wisdom so to restore a holy and life-giving environment for one’s life – while remaining cautious not to overfill our cup. And if one’s cup has been overfilled: self-emptying is called for.

The act of self-emptying is found five times in the New Testament (Ro.4:14, 1Co.1:17, 9:15, 2Co.9:3, Phil.2:7). Of these five times it is Phil 2:7, in which Jesus is said to have “emptied himself.”

ps. How’s your cup?

The Color of Skin

Does one tree in the forest think it is better than another?

The following is a poem I wrote at a recent poetry workshop at the Thensted Center in Grand Coteau, Louisiana. I was prompted by the beautiful tree motifs of its window curtains.

The Color of Skin

Surrounded by trees

Some blue, some black

Shines the Light for us to see

Some blue, some black

Side by side – neither do they lack

Ever wonder why we label persons, places, and things then place a judgment of value upon it? It becomes either more or less.

Trees only know how to be a tree. It does not know what color it is. Nor does it think it is more or less than its neighbor tree. In God’s creation, it is us humans who place a value on one tree over another; ie. a good tree versus a “trash” tree.

We humans also put labels on ourselves (and others) as a form of self-identification and comparison. I am either good or bad. You are either a member of my “group/tribe/label,” or not.

If you are black, white, red, yellow, or somewhere inbetween; You are either “in or out, …more or less than.”

Even in our religious traditions we label, divide, then accept or downcast. Christians, Jews, Muslims, atheist all believe they have the “Truth,” and others less so (if at all). We find the same within the numerous Christian traditions, ie. you either have the “right thinking” or not.

Maybe its man’s first and core sin: Pride, followed by shame and fear. We are all susceptible and it ends up being our first step into division and personal prejudice. And somehow “acting” as though we are more or less than who our Beloved has created us to be.

Maybe we cannot avoid attaching labels to things and people. It is hardwired in the way our minds function and the limitations of words we use to communicate. A greater consciousness that words only point and are not the thing itself – opens us to a “greater” love.

“The mystic forgets the given name or hangs little on it, can carry his names in a coin purse. Loss of names is not the loss of everything. The sun names nothing …”

Darrell Bourque, The Yellow Covenant

Regardless of what I think (or judge) to be of more or less value: It is God’s Wisdom that matters and will always trump our own perceived reality.

Which by the way, teaches me to pray by listening while remaining hopeful that my Beloved truly has a sense of humor.

For this, I am grateful.

Gift of the Morningbird

When the sun climbs over the mountain. Just to hear you sing your song. And all the stars lay down in heaven, to take their rest till evening comes.

Sing to me, my morningbird. The sweetest song, I ever heard. Loves melody, in your hearts own words. Sing to me, my morningbird.

Don’t you fly, away from me, without leaving me with your song. For the morning, is much too lonely, and so quiet, when you are gone.

ps. Each day is a gift. Let someone close to you know that you love them.

Click to hear this beautiful melody:

Beyond mind and emotion

Where can (or does) my relationship with the Beloved move beyond the limits of my own thoughts, emotions, doings and cross over into unity with the mind of Christ?

I study and meditate on scripture which is a mindful act prayer. I vocalize prayer both private and public which is a mental act of the my thoughts, emotions, and tongue. And sometimes the work of my hands are a prayer. But when do I “set aside” and consent to listen and hear the voice of the Beloved?? There are moments of grace when I sense the Wisdom of God’s Spirit although it is most often in hindsight. And then I think it only happens when it is so loud that it has to overpower the dominating chatter of my ego and its thoughts. What I do know is that it is far too easy for me to believe that “my mind” is the Mind of Christ – which it is not.

In my prayer, I am more inclined to the doing, the thinking, the talking, and the one in charge rather than consenting to the presence of the Beloved.

God’s presence is available at every moment, but we have a giant obstacle in ourselves – our worldview; which our Christian faith calls us to exchange for the mind of Christ – for His worldview. It requires a discipline that develops the sensitivity to hear Christ’s invitation: “Behold I stand at the door and knock; if anyone opens I will come in and sup with him and he with me” (Rev 3:20).

Why is it such a big effort to open the door?

Having first experienced the presence of the Indwelling Spirit as a teenager, I have never lost the sense and acknowledgment of the presence and influence of God’s Spirit in my person and life. I’ve never felt abandoned even “…in spite of myself.” But I usually fail to “see” or be in touch with the activity and the moment that God is constantly initiating at my inmost center of pure being.

Anyone who has lived enough years know that hard events in life happen and can waken us: to a letting go of attachments, false assumptions, illusions, and certain self-identifications. These hard events either harden or soften us: blinds us, or deepens our vision. I am convinced that to walk with Christ through life’s passions will allow me to see resurrected (new) life. The recent and combined loss of my marriage and vocational ministry within the Church has been such an event. The grief is and was the deepest and I am determined that it not be wasted.

The rebuilding of my life propels me to seek a deeper understanding of contemplation and solitude. It is a personal recognition and reminder of my “unknowing” and need to live in that awareness more deeply. This for me takes cultivation and perseverance. And I recognize it all as gift and Grace. The excitement of my life is learning how to unwrap this valuable gift.

For many years I have struggled with the predominate form of prayer which relies on words being spoken. Spoken words seems to be the automatic response when someone in a group says “Let’s pray.” If what God has to say is infinitely more valuable than what I (or others) have to say, shouldn’t silencing ourselves be a more fruitful response?

Spoken words require an act of the mind. And the actions of our mind is a product of many things but (almost) always a projection of our self, our emotions and worldview. This is not a bad thing, but if I am doing most of the thinking and talking, where do I allow space, consent and the wakening of my soul for God’s Spirit? How deep can a relationship go if I am doing most of the thinking and doing and failing to give consent, time and space for “Other?”

At least for me there is a tendency to fall into a way of relating to God as though God is “out there” and separate from me – Which is contrary to scripture. Even the many words and vocalizations we use in prayer point to a God who is “out there” and that can be manipulated by our petitions. And believing that more words and petitions release more of God’s love on us. That, I believe, points to the limitation of words to express the infinite.

My holy desire brings me to the life-long work of Fr. Thomas Keating and the practice of centering prayer. Largely in response to the 1962-65 Second Vatican Council’s call to religious orders for renewal, Keating and fellow Cistercian monks Fr. W Meninger and Fr. B Pennington (1931-2005), worked together in the 1970s to develop a contemplative prayer method that drew on ancient traditions but would be readily accessible to the modern world. Fr. Keating has written many related books but the title “Open Mind, Open Heart,” covers the practice of Centering Prayer (see book recommendations).

Centering prayer is a contemporary name for the practice that Jesus refers to as “prayer in secret” in the Sermon on the Mount (Matt 6:6):

“But when you pray, go into your room and shut the door and pray to your Father who is in secret; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you.”

Christian Wisdom tradition, especially of the Desert Fathers and Mothers of the fourth century, interpreted this saying of Jesus as referring to the movement from ordinary psychological movement (mindfulness) to the interior silence of the spiritual level of our being (heartfulness) and beyond that, to the secrecy of the union with the Divine Indwelling. In other words, letting go of all personal agendas, expectations, and desires for divine consolations, psychological breakthroughs, and self-reflections of any kind. More recent contemplatives are John Cassian, Frances de Sales, Teresa of Avila, John of the Cross, Therese of Lisieux, and Thomas Merton.

What is different about centering prayer is a withdrawal of our attention from ordinary flow of thoughts.

Centering prayer suggest a practical method of entering our “inner room” by deliberately letting go of external concerns symbolized by closing our eyes and consenting to the presence and action of God within. The centering prayer method responds to this invitation:

By consenting to God’s presence and action within.
By surrendering our will completely to God.
By relating to God who dwells in secret, which is the silence of self.

This form of prayer is not superior nor does it replace other forms of prayer. It is simply another facet of one’s prayer life. I continue to pray through my internal thoughts of Scripture and dialogue with the Beloved and with spoken words in public and in private. My heart is still directed to serve the People of God.

In my home I have a comfortable place to sit and enter into 15 min of Centering Prayer with the following excerpt from Ps 22. I close with the Divine Office:

To you, O Lord, I lift up my soul, my God, in you I trust, … Make known to me your ways, Lord, teach me your paths. Guide me by your fidelity and teach me, for you are God my savior, for you I wait all the day long (Ps 22)

One of the first things one realizes when practicing centering prayer is the constant bombardment of mental thoughts. It is how the brain works so I do not think it negatively but, … it does make me wonder how much of my interactions, words, and relationships are influenced by this constant mental bombardment. I am just a beginner of centering prayer but feel this adds a missing component to my relationship with the Beloved. In a strange way it is not more, but less.

Ps. Father Keating passed a couple of years ago at age 95. The website he founded is www.contemplativeoutreach.org. There is also an app that can be downloaded to a smartphone. I use as a timer during the dedicated centering prayer period. I find it useful.

ps. The featured image of Jesus at Prayer was taken at the Jesuit Retreat Center in Sedalia, CO

feel free to comment

Sleeping with Bread

” I say it is useless to waste your life on one path, especially if that path has no heart.”

Can’t say but maybe it is because I am older with life experiences that helps me realize that what I choose to do and where I choose to place myself either feeds, or starves, my soul. What I do know is that I no longer wish to be where it is not life giving. And, I do have a choice.

Sometimes, we don’t know if a path in front of us will give life until we take it and experience it for ourselves. At some point, you will know, and if the conclusion is no, it is incumbent to consider taking the next fork on the path.

So how do we hold on to what gives us life and let go of what doesn’t?

I will leave with an excerpt from a simple book titled, Sleeping with Bread: Holding What Gives You Life.

During the bombing raids of World War II, thousands of children were orphaned and left to starve. The fortunate ones were rescued and placed in refugee camps where they received food and good care. But many of these children who had lost so much could not sleep at night. They feared waking up to find themselves once again homeless and without food. Nothing seemed to reassure them. Finally, someone hit upon the idea of giving each child a piece of bread to hold at bedtime. Holding their bread, these children could finally sleep in peace. All through the night the bread reminded them, “Today I ate and I will eat again tomorrow.”

“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of his freedoms – to choose one’s attitudes in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

God Bless, and feel free to comment

ps. the featured image at the top of this blog was taken by my son, Phillip and the man in the image is my other son, Joseph. They both recently returned from a sightseeing trip to Scotland.

Tears have become bread

“Silence is God’s first language; everything else is a poor translation.”

― Thomas Keating, Invitation to Love: The Way of Christian Contemplation

Like the deer that yearns for running streams, so my soul is yearning for you, my God. My soul is thirsting for God, the God of my life; when can I enter and see the face of God? My tears have become my bread,… (Psalm 42)

I’ve recently returned from a six day silent retreat at Cedarbrake Retreat Center in Belton Texas. It was the most “silent” silent retreat I have ever attended. It was a powerful followup to the guided online course that I had just finished on the Spirituality of the Twelve Steps offered on (www.cac.org).

The featured image (above) is from one of the many trails that were available in the Texas hill country.

I am at a crossroad in my life and needed a new and fresh “life-giving” path. The retreat came at a time when I needed to slow-down and get off (for at least a moment) what I call the “spinning wheel” of everyday emotions and distractions.

There were 21 people attending; 16 women and 4 men. We only spoke briefly to introduce ourselves and on the last day we offered a brief commentary of our experience and during our final meal together. I was able to let go of certain attachments and over-identifications. I had never felt such solitude with the divine indwelling Spirit, allowing me to weep as needed, and yet still be in deep communion with everyone else.

The retreat was focused on the practice of contemplative prayer practiced in the form of centering prayer as developed by Fr. Thomas Keating who spent more than seventy years in sustained practice and devotion to the spiritual life.

In the following 9min video, Franciscan priest Fr. Richard Rohr has a wonderful explanation of Contemplative Prayer.

Over the years, I have read much of Fr. Rohr’s writings. And during the retreat, I did a second reading of his book titled, Immortal Diamond – The Search for our True Self. See book recommendations for more synopsis.

The image (below) of Christ’s Ascension was the backdrop to the chapel altar. What is most profound is Christ’s outstretched and all embracing arms that gather us to him. It is a fitting symbol for my time and experience at Cedarbrake.

In closing, one of the functional benefits of my attendance was to experience and learn a structure for contemplative prayer at home. It has reinvigorated my prayer-relationship with the Beloved. I will continue to write, as the Spirit allows.

God Bless

Underwater Breathing

“And then one day, – and I still don’t know how it happened – the sea came. Without warning. Without welcome, …”

excerpt: Breathing Under Water by Carol Bieleck, R.S.C.J.

The following are my journal reflections generated from an 8wk guided study on the spirituality of the twelve steps based on Fr. Richard Rohr’s book titled, Breathing Under Water, Spirituality and the Twelve Steps. Below is an excerpt from page xvii of his book.

Note: The title of Rohr’s book “Breathing Under Water,” is a metaphor pointing to our human struggle (ie. breathing) to live in a fallen world (ie. underwater). We have a choice to remain in our pain and resultant addictions, …or move through it.

“We are all spiritually powerless, however, and not just those physically addicted to a substance, which is why I (Rohr) address this book to everyone. Alcoholics just have their powerlessness visible for all to see. The rest of us disguise it in different ways, and overcompensate for our more hidden and subtle addictions and attachments, especially our addiction to our way of thinking.” See book recommendations.

Step 3: In what ways has your (over) reaching for happiness in life failed?

Not sure this qualifies as a failure but there is certainly an element of sadness to it.

I do have a highly sensitive and playful heart but it is not what people first see (which for the most part is on me). I’m always analyzing my thoughts and those of others in search of deeper truths . Since this is so much a part of my inner life – I am sure this mental activity is projected outward to others and is difficult for others. My creative and critical thought processes (and articulations) are not heavily filtered through my heart. I am difficult to read. My persona does not automatically engender “good” first impressions. As much as I accept the reality of everyone’s imperfections and idiosyncrasies (including my own) – I do not handle (perceived) hypocrisy and ignorance very well which comes across as arrogant and offensive. The analytical mind prevails.

20+ years ago, I made a decision to open my “inner life” to the outside. A deliberate path of maturing into a “generosity” of self. To live completely open and honest is my way of respecting others, including myself. It is no small step for a natural introvert. This is what I’ve learned:

When I’ve closed my thoughts, emotions, and feelings to others: people signaled that they either liked me, didn’t like me, or were indifferent.
When I’ve opened my thoughts, emotions, and feelings to others: people signaled that they either liked me, didn’t like me, or were indifferent.

What people think of me does matters but it has more to do with who they are and that is OK. Nowadays my interior work is centered on accepting myself as I am (in this moment) with a faith and hope in being known and loved by the Beloved. I am slowly learning to accept the authority of the Beloved – to say who I am.

Step 4: Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves “Most people do not see things as they are, they see things as they are.”

Rohr writes, “Evil succeeds only by disguising itself as good, necessary, or helpful. It relies upon camouflage to have its way and must get us to doubt our inherent dignity, just as Jesus’ temptations in the desert. The very fact that anyone can do stupid, cruel, or destructive things shows that they are at that moment unconscious and unaware. Think about that: Evil proceeds from a lack of consciousness.”

I’ve had just as much moral failure as anyone else and have long reflected and still wondering “What part of my brain was not working (unconscious) allowing me to act as though there was no harm in it?”

In the late 80’s I had just been hired for a new job in technology. Paper forms of corporate correspondence was the norm. Computers and the internet where just beginning to show up.

One morning, the boss and I were discussing this new fangled corporate idea called “email.” It was being tested by a few in the office. He said, that he did not have time in the day to learn email.

I replied, “You do have time to learn,” thinking that he had about six months before email would be mandated for everyone. I was offering my “brilliant” technological insight. He was highly offended by my comment, “who is this (new employee) contradicting me (ie the boss) that I had time – when I said that I did not?”

The above is an everyday common example of interpersonal communications between two people. There is no conscious intent to harm but offense, as minor as it was, still occurred. Who is to say that small mustard seed of resentment would not mature into something much greater. If I had to label the sin in this encounter, it would be pride. My pride of intellect and his pride of position and power. We were both operating from our own (different) frame of unconsciousness.

Fortunately, the interpersonal tension did not stay “hidden and camouflaged” for long. The boss and I were soon able to convey (openly and honestly) our misguided assumptions. Our relationship ultimately formed into a long lasting and mutually respectful relationship.

Step 9: Making amends. “Make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.”

Rohr writes, “It is face-to-face encounters, although usually difficult after a hurt, that do the most good in the long run, even if the other party rebuffs you at the first attempt. You opened the door from your side, and it thus remains open, unless you reclose it.”

How does that statement resonate with your experience?

Back when I was 16, I was often hired by my next door neighbor to sell fireworks for the holiday season. I operated with a cashbox that I turned in at the end of each day. I often worked by myself and one season had talked myself into lifting a few 5 dollar bills until I had accumulated $25. It didn’t gnaw on me till after I left home for military service. My neighbors had always been very good to me and should not have taken from them what was not mine. Once I got back, I decided to return the $25 in order to make amends. Except that I did not have the courage to do it personal and “face-to-face” even though I knew they would easily forgive. So instead, I put $25 in the church collection basket (in their name). It has rung hollow in me ever since.

Now, some 40 years later: I do not believe I am going to eternal damnation over this but I have to admit my consciousness is still not completely clear.

Even though I did not keep financial gain by taking what did not belong to me, sufficient reparation was not made and thereby was not fully healed or transformed. If I had the chance, I would redo that event with a face-to-face encounter.

ps. Hold onto the Beloved’s Mercy and give Fr. Rohr’s book a “look-see.”

Seeds of Contemplation

“Every moment of every event of every man’s life on earth plants something in his soul.”

Thomas Merton

Several decades ago, I came across this old wisdom tale. it continues to influence me especially when difficult things happen. It’s underlying message points to what it means to be a contemplative.

One day in late summer, an old farmer was working in his field with his old sick horse. The farmer felt compassion for the horse and desired to lift its burden. So he left his horse loose to go the mountains and live out the rest of its life.

Soon after, neighbors from the nearby village visited, offering their condolences and said, “What a shame. Now your only horse is gone. How unfortunate you are!. You must be very sad. How will you live, work the land, and prosper?” The farmer replied: “Who knows? We shall see”.

Two days later the old horse came back now rejuvenated after meandering in the mountainsides while eating the wild grasses. He came back with twelve new younger and healthy horses which followed the old horse into the corral.

Word got out in the village of the old farmer’s good fortune and it wasn’t long before people stopped by to congratulate the farmer on his good luck. “How fortunate you are!” they exclaimed. You must be very happy!” Again, the farmer softly said, “Who knows? We shall see.”

At daybreak on the next morning, the farmer’s only son set off to attempt to train the new wild horses, but the farmer’s son was thrown to the ground and broke his leg. One by one villagers arrived during the day to bemoan the farmer’s latest misfortune. “Oh, what a tragedy! Your son won’t be able to help you farm with a broken leg. You’ll have to do all the work yourself, How will you survive? You must be very sad”. they said. Calmly going about his usual business the farmer answered, “Who knows? We shall see”

Several days later a war broke out. The Emperor’s men arrived in the village demanding that young men come with them to be conscripted into the Emperor’s army. As it happened the farmer’s son was deemed unfit because of his broken leg. “What very good fortune you have!!” the villagers exclaimed as their own young sons were marched away. “You must be very happy.” “Who knows? We shall see!”, replied the old farmer as he headed off to work his field alone.

As time went on the broken leg healed but the son was left with a slight limp. Again the neighbors came to pay their condolences. “Oh what bad luck. Too bad for you”! But the old farmer simply replied; “Who knows? We shall see.”

As it turned out the other young village boys had died in the war and the old farmer and his son were the only able bodied men capable of working the village lands. The old farmer became wealthy and was very generous to the villagers. They said: “Oh how fortunate we are, you must be very happy”, to which the old farmer replied, “Who knows? We shall see!”

ps.

It is human nature to label things and experiences in life then judge it either good or bad. It’s how our minds tend to function. Contemplative thinking requires a conscious effort to avoid what I (or others) judge as good or bad. If we believe in a transcendent, loving Creator, then we can be secure that we are simply not the final determinant of Eternal Truth, or Reality. Instead:

We hold faith in the love of God which seeks us in every situation, and seeks our good.

And when I fail to keep joy and grief on equal footing in my journey of transformation toward who the Beloved created me to be, …I am to catch and remind myself: For it is God’s love that warms me in the sun and God’s love that sends the cold rain.

“Who knows? We shall see!”

May I always seek and choose hard truth over lies, illusions and fantasies.

Have you ever experienced something so devastating in life that once past the immediate pain was able to recognize the gift of new life and the sweet security of God’s insight and wisdom?

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Shipwrecked

“These are the only genuine ideas, the ideas of the shipwrecked. All the rest is rhetoric, posturing, farce.” (Jose-Ortega y Gasset)

Two years ago, I walked alone in my backyard meditating upon my fortunate circumstances and feelings of gratitude to God: He had given me 10 years of marriage to a woman whom I deeply loved. We co-ministered in the church. We were both free from debt and could live each day as we each desired. I was ordained a RC deacon the previous year. My vision of service to my community, study and teaching of scripture was manifest. I can even remember myself thinking “it seemed too good.”

Six months later, my ship ran aground. All within the span of three days: my personal and public life/ identity as a married man and clergy ended. The depth of mental and emotional shock and grief is beyond words.

I certainly could not make sense of it (and still cant). All I could then and can do now is accept and walk the path in front of me. I told myself that I would be “kind” to myself and ward off any sense of self-shame. Knowing that people’s first presumption was that I had done something to cause this, I accepted it would take time for the highest truth to be revealed. The teachings from the biblical story of Job was never far from my mind.

As I write this, eighteen months have since past. A year ago, I began this blog of sharing share my joy and journey through art, contemplation, and lived experience. It is a means of keeping my mind, heart, and spirit active and open to others.

The divorce finalized in March and I let go of the rope tethering the “marriage-boat.” It is now floating somewhere downriver.

About six weeks ago, The “Grace of Wisdom” that I knew would come – did come. It was triggered by two painful and separate events by individuals operating within an institutional culture of blindness and hardness. My response was an emotional flood of tears followed by a decision to let go and accept that I can no longer participate or heal in any “space” that fails to recognize the God given value of my soul, or that of any other. The only question I held upon entering clerical formation has been adequately answered through time, first-hand experience and (I believe) God’s gift of Holy Wisdom. I remain faithful to the vow of obedience I gave to God’s Word.

So, I’ve let go of this second boat with holy conviction that the Beloved will continue to lead me in sanctity: by paths I cannot understand.

The second boat which has been holding my grief remains stuck on its sandbar (untethered) only waiting for the tide to come in and take it away.

ps Last week I began an 8wk guided study on Spirituality and the Twelve Steps (cac.org). The program uses Fr. Richard Rohr’s book titled, Breathing Under Water (see Book Recommendations). It is a work expressing my desire for deeper transformation into the “divine nature” (2 Peter 1:4) and bringing about a “new creation” (Galatians 6:15).

The featured image is a collage constructed from images taken from various magazines. It is a practice called “Soul Collage” learned from a workshop attended last year. The constructed image articulates my soul/spirit escaping the confines of ego identification or any other attachments that obstruct healing and fulfillment of my God given human dignity and worth.

Here is a question that I will leave you to ponder: What conscious choices do you make in your day that nurture your soul?

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