Fatherhood

Fatherhood is my joy. It has also weighed heavy throughout life. I wish it no other way.

My father passed while in my early fifties. I feel fortunate to have had that many years of life with an active father-son relationship. I say the same about both grandfathers and several close uncles.

I looked up to them, yet none of these men were perfect. They had personalities containing both hard and soft. Within the larger context, they loved their children and grandchildren.

Not to minimize equally important matriarchial influences, my father’s words and actions aided me in becoming a better man, father, and grandfather.

I subconsciously emulated him in many ways while at the same time wanting to be different, to be like him and yet be my own man, one could say.

My father had a stern personality. When he said “yes,” he meant yes. And, when he said “no,” he meant no. His words meant something of value that he upheld.

On the day he died, an aspect of our father-son relationship ended. Perhaps it is my imagination, but the way it happened seemed to me as though I entered into a graced moment of letting go by no longer viewing myself under his shadow. I have my own identity as an elder male. And that my path is mine alone to walk.

I feel good in my role as a father. Yet, I recognize that “my best” was and is not always enough to fulfill all the needs of my children.

As much as I was present (and still am) for my family, I acknowledge certain life events where I was not present for my children. From this, I do not carry guilt but rather a healthy self-acceptance of light and shadow as a totality of my person.

"Who I am, which my children wish to emulate, is my gift, and that of myself they rather not is also my gift."

Perhaps, that is the best gift of parenthood.

Ps. As the cycle of life continues, the second best thing about fatherhood is (grand)fatherhood.