“Spin me in circles, Holy Spirit, and set my feet on a new path.”
R. Hackenberg
At the beginning of this Lenten season, I spent a few quiet days at a small nearby Benedictine monastery. I was able to pray the Office with the monks at morning, noon, and evening. I was also able to finish a book titled, “The Way of Paradox: Spiritual life as taught by Meister Eckhart; a 13th century German Domincan.
As part of my lenten practice, I decided to write to God each day. Now at midpoint through these 40 days, I have decided to share my side of the conversation:
Day 1 Feb 26 (Ash Wednesday) – When I read of evildoers and their ways in the Psalms, I think of those who have harmed me. It has become an easy and empty hook which I cannot shake. I want to let it go. I call upon you, my Beloved to release and heal me from this and strengthen me for the walk ahead.
Day 2 – I am wakened with the gifted thought “to give authority only to Love – in my life and through my life. Help me to see where I waste my time, my energy, my thoughts. My soul in stillness waits.
Day 3 – Yesterday, I learned of another elderly family member had passed. When I was young he was the elder. Now my generation is of the elder and have come to realize that I know and understand very little of this life. It is still a puzzle. And I desire your Spirit to release any remnants of resentment to those who have harmed me.
Day 4 – I am beginning to see the roots of my sarcastic sense of humor. The holding on to past hurts, (mis)judgments and arrogance. I am getting older and can sense its weight. Maybe you are showing me how/ or what I must do “to lift my soul” to you. I ask for help, I cannot do it alone.
Day 5 – I remember reading in Eckhart’s teaching that people do what they do, particularly the destructive things, because they are “not” God. Which says to me that I should not put people any better than who they truly are. In other words, not idolize them. My thoughts of them is not their truth.
Day 6 – I am so thankful for the gift of children and grandchildren: as my time with them yesterday was a lift of my soul. Beloved, protect them and gift them with a mind and spirit that recognizes you, as the source of blessings and all things good.
Day 7 – As I go out into the world today – open and relax my encounters. May it be a celebration of “human-ness.”
Day 8 – Yesterday had its weirdness. A bit of inquiry into the past. Lord, I trust that you will guide me and bring my life anew, daily – through your Spirit.
Day 9 – Waking up this morning from a dream, wondering “where did that come from?” In the dream, I was asked by a group of strangers “How would you summarize Jesus’ teaching?” I began fumbling with my written papers looking for an answer. In my panic to give an answer, I dropped everything scattering on the floor a big mess. I was in full anxiety mode searching for the paper which had my answer. Once I gave up, it came to me: the summary message of Christ is to love – that is it in a nutshell. Then I awoke. Lord, let that be my reflection today.
Day 10 – Lord, keep me in your presence this day. Keep me open and awake to receive your love from others and to give your love through self. I am grateful to be gifted with a greater awareness of how my thought streams keep me distracted and consumed. It is you who sets me free from the hunter’s snare.
Day 11 – Guide me this day to be your gift – help me to hear today’s sweet melody of morningbird and know/ trust that it is from you.
Day 12 – Lord, today I have no plans to go anywhere, but to appreciate the life and freedom that you offer me. I can realize that you are working within me still.
Now at day’s end: O my Lord, today you offered me freedom, silence, solitude and I only returned back to you a glass half-full.
Day 13 – Lord, may those lingering remnants of resentment, incredulity, painful emotions, and questions that have no answers – be like butterflies, or better yet moths: they land when they must, to rest, to gnaw – but fly away they must.
Day 14 – There seems to come a sense of gift, not everyday but most. There is movement in my mind, body, and soul. Certainly, I sense it. My diminishing body – I am ok with that. My mind is doing its diminishing act as well: it is what it is. But it is my spirit, my soul, on its path of detachment, that is most alive. It is a fresh exploration.
Day 15 – This morning a visit with friends over coffee and cake. Let it be more than co-miseration, rather: a life-giving moment.
Day 16 – I open the door to feel the weather. What I hear in my right ear is the jet engine roar of the morning rush hour traffic heading to work at breakneck speed. Mixed with this, my left ear hears the cacophony of morning birds welcoming the spring. Help me Lord to value the gift of freedom, your presence in this day, and to choose to be one with you.
Day 17 – To you Lord, I lift up my soul, my God in you I trust. Guide me to lift my soul higher and trust you more deeply – Amen
Day 18 – Lord, I am confused about this world. I always thought I had some sense of it. I don’t understand it anymore. I don’t think I ever did. Only thought I did. Is this the Wisdom of a dying ego? Is feeling lost an uncomfortable, but proper disposition for the spiritual path towards you?
Day 19 – It is an interesting social commentary that in this Lenten time of prayer, self-giving, and fasting we witness the social anxiety of anxiety, fear, hoarding, stockpiling of food/liquor, and above all else toilet paper. There seems to be a contradiction of truth to the depths of our professed faith and culture.
Day 20 – A quiet Monday – Can stay in my pajamas all day if I choose: now that is a blessed freedom. With all this pandemic anxiety – may your presence be my light today.
ps. Be blessed by solitude and the prayers of your pen!
