“These are the only genuine ideas, the ideas of the shipwrecked. All the rest is rhetoric, posturing, farce.” (Jose-Ortega y Gasset)
Two years ago, I walked alone in my backyard meditating upon my fortunate circumstances and feelings of gratitude to God: He had given me 10 years of marriage to a woman whom I deeply loved. We co-ministered in the church. We were both free from debt and could live each day as we each desired. I was ordained a RC deacon the previous year. My vision of service to my community, study and teaching of scripture was manifest. I can even remember myself thinking “it seemed too good.”
Six months later, my ship ran aground. All within the span of three days: my personal and public life/ identity as a married man and clergy ended. The depth of mental and emotional shock and grief is beyond words.
I certainly could not make sense of it (and still cant). All I could then and can do now is accept and walk the path in front of me. I told myself that I would be “kind” to myself and ward off any sense of self-shame. Knowing that people’s first presumption was that I had done something to cause this, I accepted it would take time for the highest truth to be revealed. The teachings from the biblical story of Job was never far from my mind.
As I write this, eighteen months have since past. A year ago, I began this blog of sharing share my joy and journey through art, contemplation, and lived experience. It is a means of keeping my mind, heart, and spirit active and open to others.
The divorce finalized in March and I let go of the rope tethering the “marriage-boat.” It is now floating somewhere downriver.
About six weeks ago, The “Grace of Wisdom” that I knew would come – did come. It was triggered by two painful and separate events by individuals operating within an institutional culture of blindness and hardness. My response was an emotional flood of tears followed by a decision to let go and accept that I can no longer participate or heal in any “space” that fails to recognize the God given value of my soul, or that of any other. The only question I held upon entering clerical formation has been adequately answered through time, first-hand experience and (I believe) God’s gift of Holy Wisdom. I remain faithful to the vow of obedience I gave to God’s Word.
So, I’ve let go of this second boat with holy conviction that the Beloved will continue to lead me in sanctity: by paths I cannot understand.
The second boat which has been holding my grief remains stuck on its sandbar (untethered) only waiting for the tide to come in and take it away.
ps Last week I began an 8wk guided study on Spirituality and the Twelve Steps (cac.org). The program uses Fr. Richard Rohr’s book titled, Breathing Under Water (see Book Recommendations). It is a work expressing my desire for deeper transformation into the “divine nature” (2 Peter 1:4) and bringing about a “new creation” (Galatians 6:15).
The featured image is a collage constructed from images taken from various magazines. It is a practice called “Soul Collage” learned from a workshop attended last year. The constructed image articulates my soul/spirit escaping the confines of ego identification or any other attachments that obstruct healing and fulfillment of my God given human dignity and worth.
Here is a question that I will leave you to ponder: What conscious choices do you make in your day that nurture your soul?
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