“I’d love to see what would happen if all those people who think I’m so holy could witness this insanity. I actually feel compassion for my pour soul when she’s in this state. I see that she’s in bad company, and I long to set her free. I turn to the Lord. “When, my God?” I ask him, “When will all my faculties come together to enjoy you at the same time? Do not allow my soul to become fragmented any longer. Each shard seems to pull me in a different direction.”
From the autobiography of St. Teresa of Avila
For the past month, I have been reading the autobiography of St. Teresa of Avila. It is a very human story. This morning I came across her words above. It mirrors my own reflections and of how my own life is a constant searching, or longing for wholeness.
For me, this past year was a painful loss of spouse and sense of identity. Perhaps the loss was nothing more than imaginative fantasy. I do not know. Regardless, there is a re-learning, a (re) ordering of life and much of what was: is no longer.
I do not think that I am alone or any different. We all experience failure or loss throughout our life. Sometimes minor, sometimes major, sometimes joyful, sometimes painful. Simply, …life happens to each of us.
Whether by choice or force, so much of the spiritual life (it seems) is about letting go of our attachments. So when it happens, I hang on to the hope and promises of new life that follow.
I do not care to change but rather go deeper into self- knowledge and self-acceptance of who “I am” in God. This is one aspect of why I am so much enjoying the autobiography of Teresa of Avila with her openness and thoughts on the contemplative life. She speaks of her struggle as a person whose life is unfolding.
Teresa likened her soul to a castle, with seven interior mansions, all shining with the brilliance of diamonds (hence the featured image). We do not move through these interior mansions of our soul in some chronological order as if we complete one in order to move on to the next. We circulate through them throughout our human life.
She speaks of three levels of prayer (Recollection, Quiet, Union) which parallel the purgative, illuminative, and unitive stages.
At 61, it seems as though I have spent my entire life striving to know who I am. And now I am back at the beginning stage (or mansion) of “know thyself,” again. Do we ever truly know ourselves or does life keep pushing ourselves to “know thyself,” again, and again, … and again. I suppose that I could just ignore my identity or role in this universe, or how the external world sees me. Or is this the universal journey of us all???
Here are Teresa’s (very brief) thoughts of the seven spaces to navigate the various shades of darkness leading to the light.
Prayer of Recollection:
1 – Cultivating self-knowledge
2 – Spiritual confirmations, affirmations, consolations to stay on path
3 – Honing of spiritual skills, insights, self-discipline in contemplative prayer
4 – Our hearts remain open, in spite of ourselves. We cannot fill out the holy mystery with our own minds, intellect. There is a greater awareness of “heart-mind.”
Prayer of Quiet:
5 – We experience a kind of dying to our false self. We give ourselves to the Beloved. There is a bridal mysticism. There is a resting in love
Prayer of Union:
6 – Soul enters into ecstatic suffering and exquisite pain. We come to know God with God’s own mind, to love God with God’s own heart. We look through the eyes of Love
7 – Soul experiences union with God. It is the beginning, not the end. The love is consummated. There is no separation. The only task, or invitation, is to be with your Beloved.
For now, I will conclude with the following paragraph from the book.
“The scattering of the faculties happens to me often. Sometimes it seems obvious to me that this is the cause of most of my health problems. I also think that the legacy of original sin has something to do with our inability to enjoy all blessings in an integral way. Plus my own transgressions exacerbate the problem. If I had not been so unconscious in the past, I would be more integrated now.”
(These little snippets from Teresa do not offer much depth. I have listed an excellent translation by Mirabi Starr of Teresa’s autobiography in the book recommendation).
ps. Feel free to share any comments.
I feel at times how I fall short of Gods plan, feeling a great distance from God. I feel at other times my prayers aren’t very impressive to God since some days I am easily distracted. Some days I think I do Gods work but not sure if I’m doing it the correct way. I continue to try to do Gods work but I get confused and continue to pray. I’m trying to look forward and not back on my life of the past but it is hard for me to do
Thank you for sharing yourself in this forum.
In my own church experience the soul is rarely spoken about or freely shared in any personal depth. Yet the soul is such a rich soil. Teresa writes, ” I have always loved the notion of my soul as a garden and the Beloved taking his walks in it…. I could not remain inside myself without you in me, Lord.”