The featured image is a personal reflection that I wrote to my parents on their 50th wedding anniversary. I have five siblings, and we each wrote our own reflection and gave it to them as our gift of gratitude. As you read further, you will understand why I have chosen to share it in my blog.
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One evening, a few weeks ago, I received an anonymous phone call from a young man who said that he needed to talk to a priest or deacon and had found my number on a website. I asked him how I could help.
He shared that he was raised in another part of the state and had grown up with parents who felt free to walk around the house nude and that he would sometimes see them go beyond that. And now, as a young man, he is struggling with these “feelings.” As he continued, he began to unravel and reveal his struggles with sexuality, shame, isolation, and fear of rejection.
I spoke with him over two phone conversations. I offered him several thoughts to consider. First, as Christians, we hold faith that we are created in original holiness, in the image and likeness of our Creator, who is Love. This is our core identity, and that we are to love ourselves as God loves us into being. This is not easy for anyone. Even in the biblical story of the first man and first woman, their first response to sin was to hide in shame.
This is often what we do: we see ourselves as something less than who we are and then fail to uphold this confidence of original holiness. And it is made worse when others project their own shadow onto our being or when we do it to others.
I was limited in how much I could help this young man, so I encouraged him to become aware of his internal thoughts of self-condemnation and work towards a language of love and self-acceptance. And to join a church community near his home (without expectation of others) and (in time) make an inquiry with the pastor for more guidance.
As he shared his childhood upbringing, I could not help but recall my own reflection about parents. Simply, that none of us get to choose our parents. It is God’s gift. This idea of a gift is not a sentimental thought. None of our parents were perfect in themselves or their parenting of us. And as parents ourselves, none of us are either. It is a recognition that regardless of who our parents were to us: they were our example of how to live and how “not” to live.
As we move from childhood to maturity, we are to discern what good of our parents we are to carry forward in our lives and what “not” good to leave behind (in forgiveness). I hope that my own children do no less for themselves in regards to their mother and me.
When we fail to do this, we carry forward that which was harmful and then onto our own children and spouse. Maybe that is what is considered a generational sin. It is certainly a cause of sickness in our human society and relationships.
We are not bound to the trauma of our past. If we strive beyond the unthinking routine of our behavior to make deliberate choices of human good: we break the cycle. It is hard and sometimes painful work. It is also, I believe, the road less traveled.
I feel acceptable in sharing this story primarily because the person to whom I spoke never identified himself to me. I have no idea who this person is and besides, I simply choose not to judge him. What he is struggling with within his life is no different than what most everyone struggles with.
I’d like to close with a passage from Sirach 15:14-20.
It was he who created man in the beginning, and he left him in the power of his own inclination. If you will, you can keep the commandments, and to act faithfully is a matter of your own choice. He has placed before you fire and water: stretch out your hand for whichever you wish.
Before a man are life and death, and whichever he chooses will be given to him. For great is the wisdom of the Lord; he is mighty in power and sees everything; his eyes are on those who fear him, and he knows every deed of man. He has not commanded any one to be ungodly, and he has not given any one permission to sin. Through God’s Love, we have a conscience and free will to participate in that divine relationship with God. It is another gift by which we come to know that we are loved.
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