We humans prefer manageable complexity to an unmanageable simplicity
-Fr. Bruno Barnhardt, OSB Cam.
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It was 2am and I awoke in a such a high state of anxiety. Almost a panic.
In my dream I was standing at the edge of the cliffs of a Great Canyon overlooking the magnificent and broad expanse of the night sky. In its darkness was beautiful light of the deep cosmos. It was all before me and my sense of eternity went beyond anything I’ve ever held in conscious thought. At the same time, my human mortality was exposed.
As I awoke, its intensity followed me into wake-full consciousness. The night moon was large and full. Its light shone bright allowing me to see like the day but at the same time suffocating. My thought of being alone was frightening and to endure this heightened state till daylight was dreadful. I needed to talk to someone.
Interestingly, my first thought was calling my mom but chose not to call anyone. It just seemed all too complicated. There was a chill in the air and I began to shiver. I needed to get back under the warm bed covers but was convinced that there was no way I could lay still, much less fall asleep. I walked around my place for awhile wondering if I was literally going crazy. I eventually returned to bed and lay under the covers but continued to shiver uncontrollably. I started reciting the Our Father and I kept saying the Lord’s Prayer over and over again….The next thing I remember is waking up in the daylight. I was OK.
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I experienced this dream back in 1995. There was a lot of turmoil and grace going on in my life. I was six months into a marital separation and had attended a Cursillo six weeks earlier. During my Cursillo experience, I had an intense opening and profound encounter of God’s Love and Mercy.
Before I go on, I consider my dreams nothing more than my subconscious ruminations. For me, my dreams are not supernatural events, just a reflection of what is stirring within my intellectual, emotional and spiritual state and consciousness. I do not consider anything in my life outside everyday human experience and common to every human soul.
Regardless, this particular dream of 23 yrs ago continues to form and teach how I think of myself and to what happens in my life. This dream experience helped me to see my life into a much larger context and its co-relationship with the Truths of mortality and eternity. It is a contemplative approach to which St. Thomas gives the broadest possible definition of contemplation when he calls it simplex intuitus veritas, “a simple intuition of the truth.” The anxiety of my dream was not to be feared but embraced. It is by this Grace which sustains my contemplative outlook and prayer.
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Once again, I find myself experiencing a very sharp edge in human relationships. It is one of the motivations of why I am sharing reflections of my life’s experiences, intellect and spirit: It is my way to remain open, vulnerable, and present to others especially when my wounded-ness is pulling me otherwise.
For months, I had been working on an artistic expression of my dream but only recently completed a rendering that I thought was close. Last week with the art piece in hand I began composing my written reflection with a sensitivity to the movement of God’s Spirit in my life. Now comes this past Sunday, and I am standing to hear Jesus’ gospel. It was from (Luke 21:25–28, 34–36)
“And there will be signs in sun and moon and stars, and upon the earth distress of nations in perplexity at the roaring of the sea and the waves, men fainting with fear and with foreboding of what is coming on the world; for the powers of the heavens will be shaken. Now when these things begin to take place, look up and raise your heads, because your redemption is drawing near.”
“But take heed to yourselves lest your hearts be weighed down with dissipation and drunkenness and cares of this life, and that day come upon you suddenly like a snare; for it will come upon all who dwell upon the face of the whole earth. But watch at all times, praying that you may have strength to escape all these things that will take place, and to stand before the Son of man.”
The multiple thematic connections with my dream and the gospel may be simple coincidence. I do not know. And there is no value in making a personal claim either way. I just consider it as another “holy happenstance” among many that never fails to leave me in Awe and Reverence.
ps. May we take this moment to recognize:
“God With Us”
