“I already knows more than I understand”
My closest childhood friend (back in the 60s) was the known as the “smart kid” who enjoyed reading the dictionary. Myself, I was a curious about things but not much into books nor did I consider myself college bound. I was planning a career in the woodworking trade. In my early 20’s all that changed.
At 18, I left home and joined the Navy. By the time I was 21, I had completely circled the globe and no longer limited to a worldview formed by my upbringing. In those four years I opened myself to just about any experience put in front of me. I was being taught by the world, …to which I can now say is not always a good thing. During this time I developed a curiosity of electronics which motivated me to study engineering. While at university, I developed a love of learning that has continued to this day. Books became the means to discover the unknown and gain knowledge.
Since then, no matter what I became involved with, I would ensure that I had a large collection of subject matter books. My books offered easy access to a repository of knowledge which ensured legitimacy to whatever I needed to do, or speak about.
Engineering school developed my analytical abilities but I had never considered how other people viewed my approach to study and learning until a few years ago. One of my cohorts said, you know we both get the same assignments to work on but you always seem to go “5 steps further” than me in response. He said, “I am not criticizing, it’s all good.” He continued,” When I hear you speak on something, its obvious that that its well thought out.”
This was not the first time I have been told that I think differently than most people. Personally, I do not think differently than anyone else. Maybe deeper but not different. This has its benefits but also its downside. It is easy to fall into temptation assuming pride of my intellect and to some, it is very intimidating and comes across as arrogant.
One simple example that comes to mind is a time when one of my coworkers gave me feedback by saying that I would do better if I took the dictionary off my desk. Apparently, I used too many “5 dollar” words for his liking. I wanted to respond to him by saying maybe it would be better if he put a dictionary on his desk but that would have been mean-spirited. He projected his intellectual insecurity as a negative towards me. Its what people do but I wish I knew how to better project my love of ideas and thoughts in humility.
One thing that has helped me through the years came from enneagram spirituality. Back 15 years, I attended a workshop on the enneagram. It was the first system of articulating human experience that has been helpful to understanding myself, and others.
The enneagram like many other personality typing systems define generic characteristics for each personality type. In theory, we all fall into one personality pattern. What I appreciate about the enneagram is that each type is on a spectrum of (unhealthy) compulsion on one end and (healthy) contemplation on the other. For our person to grow and mature through life, we move from compulsion toward contemplation on our personality type.
When I first read enneagram type 5 – I felt as though I was looking at a reflection of myself in a mirror. How could some book on personality types nail me, as it did, …shattering my belief of being unique and independently motivated in thought and action? Enneagram 5’s dominant center is the head. We arrange what we observe and learn of life into some sort of order and we do that in our own private world (the mind). 5’s basic compulsion (vice) is avarice (greed). This greed is not materialistic but rather the keeping to one’s internal thought, ideas, and perceptions to ourselves. In our compulsion, we grab and hoard all we can get. Knowledge is our god and idol. We are primarily anxiety driven although we learn early in life to bury it within our unconsciousness. We (over) think within our selves – so to make what we have to say wiser, better, more fitting, all in order to earn the approval and love we so much want to have.
For me, the (unknown) answer that I am seeking is always in the book that I have not yet read.
Unlike most personality systems, the enneagram does not treat our personality as something static. It makes great sense to me that just like the physical, emotional, and mental attributes of my person – my personality can and needs to grow from infancy to ever greater maturity through all stages of life. My trap is to remain stuck inside myself, hiding who I am and what I believe. The journey outward is my way to balance life.
I began a conscious movement into adult maturity in my mid 30’s. I was recovering from a divorce and rebuilding my life with a healthier sense of who I was. I chose to join my church choir. I had no choir background but singing was my conscious decision to move my hidden faith and prayer life from an interior position to an exterior. I saw it as a form of spiritual exercise to gain strength and conditioning. Now, some 25 years later, it fundamentally matured me in ways that I can only believe God created and planned me to be. Today I experience greater desire and courage to live a deeper Christian form of service and outreach – a deeper giving of my-self to others. This blog is but one example.
I am a natural introvert. When I was young I did not speak or express much of myself. It was not a problem for me but many would express their disdain for my quietness which indirectly communicated that I was somehow lacking. As I began to open up and share who I am and what I thought, I would get this same negative projection. This time, not for what I did not say but for what I would say. It taught me that “some people will not appreciate you no matter what. I learned that whether I turned left or right, people will have something to say about me. Ultimately what matters is that I accept my (imperfect) self as my Creator does, not in judgment but only in Love. Living authentically is about being who God created me to be and not be overly concerned with other people’s judgement of me (good or bad).
The featured image is a simple collage of a “young” me against a backdrop of books. The quote is taken from a character in the book titled, “In the Sanctuary of Outcast” by Neil White. The quote was from an elderly African American woman who spent all but six years of her life quarantined at the home for Hansen’s disease (leprosy) in Carville, LA. Her name was Ella. In the story, she was asked by the author if she ever read books. Her response was, “I already knows more than I understand.”
This quote resonated with me prompting me to reflect on all the books I’ve ever read. Realizing that from all the book I’ve read, I have forgotten more than I have retained. It certainly makes me think of the time and value I have placed grabbing for new information that I have mostly forgotten. Did I grab for more than what I needed in life, …perhaps even at the expense of something else? Maybe, there is no answer to the question.
No doubt books are valuable throughout life, and I will continue reading but I no longer place the same value on acquiring someone else’s ideas and thoughts in order to gain some false sense of security in who I am, or what I have to offer others.
